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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect DD to honour an invitation, even if she's now had a better offer?

24 replies

SarahJim · 14/10/2010 22:21

DD(11) had arranged to go for tea at her friend's next week and comes home today saying she's not going because she's just been invited to a sleepover at another friend's house on the same evening and doesn't want to miss it. The first friend is not invited to the sleep over (the two girls don't get on particularly well).

I told her she should stand by her first invitation, cue tears and sobbing that all her other friends will be at sleep over. Apart from anything else, how on earth would I explain to her first friend's mum why we're cancelling? She's the only one the first friend's invited for tea.

AIBU? Any advice?

OP posts:

Hullygully · 14/10/2010 22:23

She goes to tea, you pick her up and drop her at the sleepover a bit late.

FrightNightScreamTight · 14/10/2010 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

furryfungus · 14/10/2010 22:25

I would try to get her to honour the first invitation. How would the other girl feel?

There will be plenty more sleep overs.

pigletmania · 14/10/2010 22:25

Good idea hullygully

BellasFormerFriend · 14/10/2010 22:25

Well, what would you do in this situation yourself? I don't think I would feel too bad about asking my friend if we could move dinner to another night as I had been invited to a party that night - after all one friend can rearrange but a group can't.

I do understand the principle you are asking your dd to stick to though...tricky one!

KatyMac · 14/10/2010 22:25

Ask her how she would feel if the other girl had been invited & then she dumped your DD?

PaisleyPumpkin · 14/10/2010 22:27

yanbu.
I don't think go to the sleepover after the tea. It'll be like she's got somewhere 'better' to go on to.

sue52 · 14/10/2010 22:28

I would encourage her to go to tea, anything else would be very rude. How would your DD feel if she was ditched because a friend had a better offer?

pigletmania · 14/10/2010 22:29

Go to tea, stay a couple of hours than pick her up and take her to the sleepover, the other girl would not know. But your dd must either go to the tea or rearrange for another day that week.

Original poster

SarahJim · 14/10/2010 22:33

I think it would hurt the first friend's feelings if she just nipped off though. She usually stays for a film or something after tea, but DD's heart's not in it - she's just be thinking of all the fun going on at the other place.

Perhaps I feel a bit sorry that the first friend's not been invited - I don't want her to know, but I suppose she'll find out anyway with all the playground gossip.

Should just stay right out of it and drop her off where she wants to be, I think.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 14/10/2010 22:36

I would call the Mum and ask if it was possible to change the night of the 'tea' as you would do with one of your friends if you had a clash & wanted to go to both - hopefully it can be changed, if not, she goes to tea gracefully (or there'll be hell to pay!!) and then maybe you can let her have a sleep over at yours....

pigletmania · 14/10/2010 22:39

No Sarah why cant your dd rearrange the tea for aother day like we would if something else came up. You have to set an example to your dd of what is right and wrong, and not going to the tea or rearranging it for another day would be really wrong sorry it would. what example would you be setting for dd. Think of how that other girl would feel being rejected like that

pigletmania · 14/10/2010 22:41

Just say to the mum that somethings come up can we do say Tuesday or Thursday for example.

proudfoot · 14/10/2010 22:41

Agree with Hullygully

RockBat · 14/10/2010 22:43

If it was my DD then she'd stick to the first arrangement made, that's right and proper. If you ask to change the day then it still rubs Friend A's nose in it.

pooka · 14/10/2010 22:46

Well I don't think she should rearrange. It's not something I would do with prearranged dates - I'd go to the event I'd already accepted rather than bumping it.

Your dd going to tea is the kind thing to do. Imagine how hurt the friend would be to discover that your dd had blown her out for a better offer particularly involving friends she doesn't get on with.

74claire · 14/10/2010 22:46

From my experiences with 11 and 12 year old girls, I think it's much more important to honour with the original arrangement. They're so fickle at that age that friendships can last a matter of weeks.

BellasFormerFriend, do you really believe that the group is more important than the one friend, who has had the meal planned for a while? The group won't miss one less, but the single invite surely will.

seeker · 14/10/2010 22:48

I would do what we call a "mum to mum" over something like this. Talk to first friend's mum - tell her the truth (maybe not say who the sleep over's with if that will cause problems) and rearrange the tea for earlier in the week.

Original poster

SarahJim · 14/10/2010 22:49

Thanks Piglet, you are right and I'm being a coward, I suppose. I don't want to have to tell the mum that instead of honouring a long standing invitation, DD's skipping off to a party.

My instinct is to tell her to go to tea gracefully and we'll have the other lot round another time. That's what my Mum would have said to me. Perhaps it's a life lesson - or perhaps I'm a bit tired and reading too much into it!

OP posts:

pippop1 · 14/10/2010 22:53

I think that morally she needs to go to the first event. I would not allow my DS to change the arrangement.

I have an adult friend who does this (changes arrangements as she has had a better offer) and it's really annoying. It doesn't make me think well of her as it has happened too many times.

BellasFormerFriend · 14/10/2010 22:57

74claire, I didn't say the group was more important at all! Simply that something involving lots of people cannot be easily rearranged whereas a meal for two can easily be rearranged. Luckily I have really good friends who would not want me to miss out on something else simply because I had already said yes to something that can be easily moved.

Lets face it, assuming this is not a birthday meal or something then the selection of the date was probably pretty arbitrary. Would it be different if it was a dentist appointment or an extra dance practice? The child is not being blown off just having tea on a different night. I would try to get it moved forward rather than back though as this will be much less likely to end up with child one being upset.

pigletmania · 14/10/2010 23:00

Thats good sarahjim the first arrangement has to be honoured, your dd has to learn a life lesson really. Good idea to have the other friends over another time.

Original poster

SarahJim · 14/10/2010 23:01

Thanks all, I'm signing off now. Will have a think and see if there's a way of doing the right thing without upsetting anyone - esp. DD who takes drama to a whole new level when mum puts foot down!

OP posts:

darksideofthemooncup · 14/10/2010 23:09

I think you need to try and make your dd think about how she would feel if someone were to do this to her. I know that it is so difficult to swim against the tide at that age but I also feel that 11 is a good age to start to take responsibility for your actions.

The other girl is bound to find out about the sleepover so if your dd is going to go to hers for tea first and then go on to it she should probably be upfront about it.For what its worth I don't think there is anything wrong in going to the sleepover afterwards, but if it all becomes cloak and dagger that kind of makes it feel wrong iyswim?

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