to not know how to deal with this!

[mum22cherubs]

This is a horrible situation but I really need advice...my df comes from a big family and has loads of aunties and cousins etc. One of his cousins moved a couple of doors down from us a while back (he has since split with his then g/f and is not now living there) his dd through a previous marriage is ages with my dd (6 yo). My dd was in the house playing with his dd on a few occasions and one day she went with him when he was taking his dd back to her mothers to drop her off...my df mum came to our house one day a few months back to say that his cousin had been accused by his sister years b4 for "doing something inappropriate" to one of her dd's and that was why he and his sister did not speak any more...my df's mum said she had no idea what he was supposed to have done and whether it was true but thought she should say just in case...we were obviously really worried but werent sure how serious it was and what to do about it, although we never let our dd near the house again. It has now come out that the cousins father has been exposed for having acted inappropriately (we are talking sexual abuse) towards his daughters (cousins sisters) and also other family members and that df's mum and sisters has known about this for years and had sworn to keep it a secret...even when she was telling us about the cousin, df's mum made out that she wasnt sure if it was true, knowing all along that his father had been caught doing the same thing!...I am extremely angry that she put her own grandaughter in that position over the sake of the "family name" and have no idea what to do next...sorry I know this is very long winded and confusing...

I am confused to be honest, but if it is what I think - what a horrible situation.
Obviously you will protect your DD.
I don't condone, but can understand, the family cover up.
What does your DF say?

It's not so much long winded as difficult to read.

you need to make better use of paragraphs, makes it easier to follow.

Now, i totally understand why you are upset but your Df's cousin and uncle are two different people.

If the uncle had been abusing the girls it is likely that the brother was also implacated by a traumatised little girl, despite not actually doing anything other than being male.

Do your daughters see this uncle?

As far as i can make out, whilst you are unsure of what is true then you are doin all you can by simply keeping your children outof harms way.

Okay, you have every right to be angry, it's an awful situation and dreadful to even consider allowing any child to be with him let alon your own grandchild.

But what I am not clear on is - you are asking for advice, but advice on what?

The secret about the uncle came out many years ago when his wife was on her death bed and asked her sisters (df's mum) not to tell anyone.

The thing with the cousin did not happen until many years later...if I had known I would not have left my daughter in his care AT ALL.

I just think that it is a lot more likely to be true now that we know that his father was abusing his sisters for years previously.

It might not be my place to say but I just think df's mum and sisters should have gone to the police and had the uncle dealt with so that he did not get the chance to do that to any other little girls but yet they chose to cover it up just because their sister asked them to...

JeezyPeeps, I need advice on how to react with df's mum...she is my daughters grandmother and Im really angry that they kept this to themselves knowing he was living so close to us...I dont know if Im being unreasonable feeling like this towards her though... is it actually none of my business???

No, you are not unreasonable; anyone would be horrified.
Of course it is your concern, if it is true.
It seems that DF's mother has warned you though? If a little late in the day.

Yes, df's mum and sisters SHOULD have gone to the police. They weren't about doing the responsible thing though - they were about looking after their own interests.

OK, this is my view. If neither the uncle nor the cousin have ever been formally charged, you are just going on gossip, even if it is gossip from a reliable source. If you feel there may be truth in these rumours, as GiganGORE said, all you can do is keep your children out of harm's way.

It is possible that your DF's mother did not tell you all this because she has no proof and did not want to tar the reputation of someone without cause. She may have been carrying the responsibility herself, telling people in direct contact and keeping an eye on others. It is also possible that she has done her best to ensure that your DD has had no contact with this man and thought that as he was no longer local or in touch that there was no danger.

This is such a delicate situation but it is so dangerous to label people on the word of others. If someone really is a danger to society, it is up to the individuals who know of the actions to contact the authorities, not to spread the word.

Animation, that's what I thought...df's mum said that one of the sister's who was being abused wanted it to be kept quiet as well...but at that time that it all came out she would only have been 10 yo!?! How could she make that decision herself!

Im shocked at how they have all handled it as i would have thought their family would have hounded out anyone found hurting kids like that but they seem to have opted to protect "the name of the family" before the kids! I just cant get my head around their reasoning for it...

I realise I have given you no advice or help there! I would find it very hard to trust DF's mother again, as if she had known for sure that there was truth in these allegations, she should have gone straight to the police. I would make it clear that she would not ever have sole responsibility to DD if this is the sort of thing she will not protect DD from.

Serendippy, its the man's own daughters who have come forward to say he was abusing them, absoluely no doubt it was true on his part, not sure about the cousin though.

I agree that they should have contacted the authorities but the only reason my df found out about the uncle was through a cousin he has not heard from in years contacting him to say he had heard someone talking about the uncle "being done for child abuse" at a party!!! Otherwise we would not have known about it at all!

I think you have already done the best thing in keeping your DD away from him. And of course it is your business to do so.

I'm a little confused - am assuming your DF is you fiancé as opposed to your father - but either way, his mum did let you know of the risk without entirely breaking a deathbed promise, a rather tricky thing to achieve.

You cannot force anyone to go to the police - if you report it, they will all deny it and you will be done for wasting police time.

UNLESS anything happened directly to your DD, you have to let it go (and continue to keep your DD away from him of course).

Again this is hearing from someone about someone about someone... I appreciate you are in a very difficult situation but you need to have the facts, the hard evidence before you can act. Otherwise all you can do is be vigilant.

Bollocks to these so called death bed promises. The abuser's own daughters should go to the police - they need to heal and get some justice.

I can entirely see why you're angry, but looking at it another way your DF's mother did come and tell you about the allegations about the cousin once she realised that your DD was spending time with him, in spite of what "the family" had agreed. And your DF's uncle and cousin are two different people, and the fact that the uncle sexually abused children doesn't make it certain that the son did, and she didn't have any certain knowledge about the son but warned you anyway. She gave you the knowledge you needed to protect your DD without breaking her promise and giving you more information than that.

I would be shocked at the general attitude of the family, but try not to be angry with your MIL who has done what she can to protect her granddaughter.

Thx Professor, that makes sense...I suppose Im just really disappointed in the whole family...they all have daughters or grandaughters of their own and I would have thought they would have made a stand against something like this...they are a so-called strict catholic family...