to contemplate staying overseas AND returning to work after 5 months of having my first baby?

[emmyloo2]

Here is my dilemma. My DH and I have lived abroad for the last 5 years or so in various places as expats. We have been in the UK for the last 18 months. We both work fulltime in good jobs which are progressing our careers. We decided once I got pregnant (I am now 36 weeks, due in less than 1 month) that we would certainly return home early in 2011 to get the support from our parents. We are very close to our families and both my Mum and his Mum would be willing to provide lots of child care. Here we have no family.

However, I have been working out at an organisation for the last 6 months on a secondment and have loved it. It's a great organisation and very flexible. A couple of weeks ago I started thinking maybe we would be better staying here and me trying to get a permanent position with this company rather than returning to our home town and me trying to have to find a new job. It's a smallish city we live in here with a great work/life balance.

Am I totally crazy for considering staying away from home, away from my Mum and trying to go back to work after 5-6 months. I guess I am just thinking the flexibility of this company and the option of probably doing 4 days a week and working from home plus my husband being able to work from home, would make life easier.

But I am completely being naive about the benefits of having family support and should we just go home?

I wasn't abroad when I had dd, but in exactly the same position. I had no family anywhere near by and had to go back to work at 5 months. We managed absolutely fine.

Obviously the big disadvantage will be financial - having to pay for all childcare. But if you are feeling happy and settled where you are, I would stay.

Nope, not crazy. I'll be getting no family support, can't go home and if I want to keep my job baby will be 4 months when I go back.

The biggest worry will be childcare but as long as that's sorted I wouldn't worry!

I intend to go back within five months of having my first. Oh runs business from home and I'm the higher earner so makes sense. Am hoping for a staged return and go back to four days rather than five. Feel rather judged already but we feel this will work for us.

Are currently saving like mad to cope with 3 or four months of smp.

I think if you can afford to come home and have mat leave you should, honestly - they are small for such a short time, if you don't have to miss out then don't. If you have to work and this is the better option for you then stay and consider a nanny?

I wouldn't make any big decisions on this until after your baby arrives as you have no idea how you're going to feel - you might be desperate to get back to your job, but you also may find that your career means much less to you than it did before. Babies can do weird things to you!

Don't underestimate the value of nearby, helpful grandparents though!

We don't have any family support, and I went back to work ft when ds was 4.5 months - it has all worked out ok. If you will be both able to work from home, that is really a huge advantage - dh and I both do now, and it makes life much simpler

I am sure there are great benefits of having family close by to help out & support. Mine are in the same country but not very local & my parents haven't babysat once in 5 years.

It is not the be all & end all and if you choose to, going back to work isn't that bad. It makes me a better mother rather than a worse one.

Don't make any rash decisions until LO arrives & see how you feel after the 1st couple of months :)

I think the problem is I have less anxiety about returning to work because I am really quite sure I will want to (although I know it may change once I have the baby) but I am more confused about whether to move back home (which is on the other side of the world) or stay here and try and raise a baby without the help of family. I will have to return to work regardless at 6 mths because financially we need the money but also because I know I will want to. I am going to try to work a day or so from home, with my husband doing the same.

It's really just the issue of is it impossible to look after a baby and work without the help of family...

Will it make you feel better if I tell you that in 4 years (virtually to the day) of both of us working ft, dh travelling round the UK (lots of long days and overnights), and me travelling internationally (so can be away for up to 10 days), we have had family help on 4 days, none of which were overnight. It isn't like we have had a nanny/au pair either, just nursery, and one of the staff there babysitting for us occasionally

I agree with Pjama,,,hold back on choices till' you meet the baby. I was convinced I was staying in London and then returning to my job which I adored....baby arrived and efore you knw it I had us packed and back in the countryside. I coudn't see things the same way once the bay got here.

Apply for a permement position and see what happens.

I know families where both parents work with no other support, and it does depend on how flexible the company is regarding you working from home if your child is sick. Other families I know have an au pair, or pay for regular help. Talk to other people with children,. and ask them how they do it. even if you live in your country of birth not everyone has grandparents at their beck and call.

I did it (had a baby on an overseas assignment) It was great.

My mother is as much help as a wet paper bag so that wasn't an issue.

But I didn't go back to work until 15 months later.

Thanks all. I think we would either get an au pair or use a nursery. Both are works would be flexible with having to work from home if a kid is sick. My husband manages his own team so he can basically do what he wants and my team is very flexible like that - hence I am even considering staying here.

I have spoken to the company and they said to get in touch next year when I am ready to return. So there is a good chance there may be a role for me here. They are currently recruiting but can't make any guarantees to me now because obviously I can't give a definite start date.

I am very close to my Mum and she is desperate to help with child care. However, we can afford to fly her over regularly to stay for several weeks at a time so that might be even better..

I planned to go back to work in 3 months before I had my daughter (that's the maternity allowance where I was) but that all went out the window once I'd had her.

And my husband pre baby would have never considered being a SAHD, but that's what he is now

emmyloo - the working families I know have both an au pair and use a nursery as there can be very strict rules on how may hours an au pair is allowed to work; and because they always need back up child care for when a child is sick or the nursery/school is closed.

I don't see why you can't give a definite start date? If you want to stay, I think you should try and get a contract with a clear start date, and not stay there on the 'promise' of a job.

Also don't assume that because you are working at home you will not need childcare,in my experience it is practically impossible with babies to work and look after baby!

Au pairs, in general, are NOT suitable for sole charge of an infant. Bear in mind they are likely to have no training, little if any experience, limited English and be fairly young. Plus the idea is they only work 5 hours or so a day and have time free for a language course. Naturally there's nothing to stop them from working more if they're allowed to (basically anyone who can take up an 'au pair position except a Romanian or Bulgarian national) but most won't go for it. Full time care on an au pair wage just isn't fair or workable.

I know you can get fantastic qualified kindergarten teachers from Aus/NZ but they're more like nannies who are willing to be paid crap money to see life in the UK a bit. Plus if the ones I know from childcarer websites are representative they cotton onto the fact they're being paid less than they're worth and jump ship after 6 months.

Get a proper nanny. Newly qualified ones are relatively cheap if cost is an issue. Alternatively look into using a childminder.

I went back to work 6 weeks after having DS1 overseas. Not alot of choice, that was tbe Mat leave provision and I was mid contract.

Was hard bit managed OK. We had the help of a wonderful nanny. I couldn't have done it without my fantastic DH and my blessed nanny.

OP, you sound very happy where you are, I'd stay put.

IME family support can be overrated

Oh I thought nannies and au pairs were the same thing! I think a nursery would be more practical as there are some lovely ones right near our home.

Belgo - I tried to tell them I would be looking to start April/May next year but the relevant person kept saying "oh but you say that now but once the baby is born...". It really annoys me because everyone says that.

I know me very well though and I also know it's not a choice I will have or we will not be able to pay our mortgage on our house we have in our home country. I will HAVE to return to work.

I should probably just focus on having this baby but I am a worry wart and like to have things sorted.

I guess there is also the guilt of depriving my parents of their first grandchild....

Don't tell nannies that - you'll get a right dressing down. But now you know so you won't make the classic mistake of advertising for an au pair when you want a nanny and being laughed at on nanny messageboards/inundated with snooty replies putting you right. You've also avoided going to an au pair agency when you wanted a nanny agency!

We are overseas and I had DS here and went back to work after 6months. I wasn't planning on going back and had actually resigned as I wasn't sure they could be flexible (plus mat leave only 3 months at the time which I thought was too short). I am now working part-time though which is fine. Neither of our families live close to where we would have to live in the UK for work (i.e. London) and so we probably see more of them and spend more quality time with them than we would if we were in the UK. We skype every week so DS (now 2yo) knows all his relatives and my parents came out for 6 weeks over the summer and MIL is coming for 6 weeks over Christmas (wish me luck)! But from what I can say we are much better off overseas from a financial point of view and life with young children is very easy here. Of course my parents miss their first grandchild but they do understand that we are doing what is best for our little family.

I am moving abroad at 34 weeks pregnant after commuting back and forth for the last year because dh lives there, taking normal mat leave in uk so can return in a year, but tbh we don't know whether we'll want to live there or here in a years time.

I've broached the issue of working from the other city with my employer which would basically make the decision for us - they have an office there - but like you emmylou they keep saying 'lets talk nearer the time, you don't know what you'll feel like then'. I find it INCREDIBLY patronising. I know some women do change their minds after having a baby, but many have to return for financial reasons and if we lived in another country like the US, or even switzerland where I'm moving to, we would only get 3 or 4 months off work so me taking 6 would seem a massive luxury.

So I agree with the OP - insist that you want to apply for a job with a specific start date, there is a risk that they don't give you the job because they don't believe you'll start, but no greater a risk than them deciding in 4 months time that they don't need any more people. Perhaps tell them that you really want to stay but for financial reasons if you don't have a guaranteed job you will be moving back home.

Also on family, I also feel the guilt but being able to fly people out is a major benefit, and Skype is wonderful! The only thing is that the other side of the world is still a very long way away - would you be happy you could get home quickly if you needed to? I'm lucky in that we'll only be a 9minute flight away which is actually quicker than it takes me to get to my parents across the Uk anyway!

If you do go home I would also bank on having to arrange your own childcare even if you know family will help - it wouldn;t be fair to be completely reliant on family as unpaid childcare, you wouldn't have as much flexibility as with professional care and it could even cause some resentment in the long term. Plus health issues can always arise - my mum is pretty young and fit and recently retired and planned to come out for a few weeks to help me abroad as soon as baby is born, but out of the blue a couple of months back we found out she needed treatment for breast cancer. All under control now but still don't know if she'll be able to travel and I wouldn't 'lean' on her now as much as I would have done.

Sorry for long post! In the end you could always try staying and go back when baby is 6 months old etc if it doesn't work out, no harm done. Good luck!