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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to resent being asked to have a child round at short notice?

54 replies

Bluebell99 · 13/10/2010 12:45

I am feeling a bit cross about this to be honest. I texted someone last night to arrange a lift share to a trip next week, and the person rang me back to say, she wasn't sure if she could but would let me know. Fair enough. But then she says is my child free tomorrow. So I say, oh i think so. And then she says could her child come to mine then as she has to be somewhere else! sO AIBU to feel she has tricked me into having her child over?! To put it into context she has never had my child over to hers and I don't even know where she lives! Our children are school friends. I am the worlds worst housewife, my house is cluttered and untidy, and I am sick of other people's children telling me my house is messy when I have spend the day tidying up and it is quite clean by my standards. Can I get out of this?!

OP posts:
woolymindy · 13/10/2010 14:09

I honestly cannot see why you would not help her out - it will be lovely for your child to have a playmate. And perhaps she isn't confident about having other children around or maybe her house is even more of a mess than yours. Really it is no skin off your nose so you should help.

Original poster
Bluebell99 · 13/10/2010 14:39

Yes, I am feeling stressed. And I am happy to help out my friends when I can. But I am feeling a bit used by this.

OP posts:
MrsC2010 · 13/10/2010 14:42

But didn't you ask her for a lift first? V confused.

Mermaidspam · 13/10/2010 14:46

Understandably so Bluebell.
I don't think you would feel this way if she had asked you directly, but the underhanded way she went about it was a bit shitty.

missorinoco · 13/10/2010 14:49

I'm with you on this one OP.

Sure you can, and are going to help the woman out, but she's not a close friend, she's not having a life crisis that you are aware of, and she did ask you to look after her child in a manner that made it difficult for you to say no.

Original poster
Bluebell99 · 13/10/2010 15:15

No, I asked if she wanted to share the taking and picking up of our children. It is a big event, quite a way from home, we can't stay and have been asked to liftshare to minimise traffic. I said I would either take or bring back the children. Two of my other friends have taken that to assume, I will be taking and bringing back their children! No, I was asking if anyone would like to share, i.e they take, I will bring back. I am still happy to bring her child back. She hasn't commited to taking mine.

No, she isn't having a life crisis, just needs to be somewhere else with one of her other children. She has a partner, an ex h and his partner locally.

I also have another child who I need to take elsewhere.And tonight I have to take one of my children somewhere, but I will just bring the other one with me. Would never have occured to me to ask her to have my child.

OP posts:
warthog · 13/10/2010 15:18

i would phone her up and say 'so when are you having my dd this half term?'

she's being cheeky.

ForMashGetSmash · 13/10/2010 15:19

Same thing happened to me! YANBU...the people who sprung it on me asked me with NO notice...they are a couple with 2 teens who they could have asked but they chose me...who's DP is working away and with two kids to their one! I flustered a yes...then ran and said Icould not... too much work on and my house is like a bomb site too!

Original poster
Bluebell99 · 13/10/2010 15:20

Anyone thinking that I am talking about them?! I haven't put all the details in, but surely she would recognise herself from this?! It's a big world tho isn't it? Had a cup of tea, and some chocolate but still feel stressed.

OP posts:
DomesticG0ddess · 13/10/2010 15:22

No, Bluebell, I have never done this! But you did keep releasing more and more details other than the original post, which other than the way she asked, I didn't think was that much of a big deal really - it seemed you didn't want to do it cos of the state of your house. But seeing as she doesn't normally speak to you, doesn't want to lift share, etc, then YANBU. It sounds like the other people are taking the piss too - do you find it hard to say "no" in general?

Personally, I like having little friends over (one about to arrive in a minute) as at the moment DS is an only, and it means that he has someone to play with and stops bothering me (so I can read MN Wink).

Original poster
Bluebell99 · 13/10/2010 15:23

Actually I think she might have a bit of a reputation for this, as over the years, I have seen her children sponged off on various of my friends.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 13/10/2010 15:28

You should have (and hindsight is a wonderful thing) just said 'Oh sorry, I thought you asked if DS was free, he is, but I'm not - I'm busy, I was rather hoping you were going to invite DS to yours then I wouldn't need to find childcare'

I would just have the child, but then I like kids (in general) and I like to see them playing/having friends over... but that doesn't mean everyone has to be the same does it!

...and yes 'Lift SHARE' is pretty telling in itself - cheeky blighters... but once again I'd probably do it as I like to hear them chattering on about exciting things (exciting to them that is!!).

Can you tell I'm a bit of a 'need to help/people pleaser'?? Quite often I think I'd quite like to be a 'I don't give shit what your problem is, it isn't mine' kind of person!! LOL (BTW not saying you are like this!!) but it must be a much less hectic way to live your life mustn't it!!

Original poster
Bluebell99 · 13/10/2010 15:30

Well, I don't mind having their friends over, but actually having one extra is a bit of a pain, because my two get on really well together, and someone ends up getting left out. So usually I would get them both to have a friend over, or we have a few friends with siblings that they get on well with.

OP posts:
DomesticG0ddess · 13/10/2010 15:33

Yes, actually I wish all my friends had had their children at exactly the same time as me, with exactly the same age gaps (I'm due next week), would have made life MUCH easier!!

moominmarvellous · 13/10/2010 16:24

I know someone who does this, asks in a lighthearted and airy way 'Oh what are you up to at the weekend?' and if I reply nothing much (which is usually the case), the wheedling 'becaaaaauuuuse' comes out and before I know it I have 2 extra kids for the day/night, whatever it is she needs.

It's not having the children that's the problem, it's the 'trapping' that gets my goat! Just ask me and at least give me the option of getting out of it politely.

I always have 'plans' ready these days and if she needs help I can decide if I am in the mood/position to help her out.

brimfull · 13/10/2010 16:41

yanbu
she is conniving
tell her you have last minute appt and can't do it

GeekOfTheWeek · 13/10/2010 17:01

Just to clarify, I meant the other woman is rude not the op!

Original poster
Bluebell99 · 13/10/2010 18:24

To be honest I decided it was stressing me too much, and I do a lift share with another family to an activity tomorrow and have to take my other child to a different activity, I just can't fit this other child in, so I texted her 4 hours ago to say sorry but I can't have yr child after all, and guess what, she hasn't even bothered replying! So who thinks she will ignore my text,and her child will be waiting to come home with me?!

OP posts:
warthog · 13/10/2010 18:48

no way - i can't believe she'd do that!!!!

brimfull · 13/10/2010 18:59

I have come across so called friends like her, she will have cadged someone else buy now,and won't bother to acknowledge you anymore.
job done

Original poster
Bluebell99 · 14/10/2010 10:56

She still hasn't replied to my text. How rude is that. I have told my child to tell her child that I have texted her mother to say I cannot have her and she hasn't replied. The woman works at the school so will get the message. I am not bringing that child home with me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebell99 · 14/10/2010 10:58

Thank you ggal. I think she is exactly like that.

OP posts:
bluecardi · 14/10/2010 11:00

yanbu Bluebell99. It looks like if she's just identified you as someone to dump her child on. Perhaps she run out of others after annoying them as well. Let the school know you can't take her child home and ask them to contact you to let you know that this mother has got the message.

Original poster
Bluebell99 · 14/10/2010 11:52

My child said yesterday, I feel sorry for x because she was really excited about coming to my house. I said, well hopefully we can INVITE her another time, but I am sure you would have also been excited if she had invited you round to hers at all in the four years that we have known her!!!
I don't know about ringing the school tho bluecardi. Maybe I should text her again? The fact that she hasn't responded tho, indicates to me the type of person she is!

OP posts:
zipzap · 14/10/2010 14:22

Is she the sort of person that would have to turn their phone off at school and then might forget to put it back on?

In which case it might be worth leaving a quick message at the school, even if it is just to say I wanted to check that you got my text about not being able to pick up your dd today, but we can arrange for the girls to play together another day when we have more time to plan it and it's more convenient.

if she has made a genuine mistake then she will be pleased, if she was hoping to ignore it so that you had to take the dd then if there is a message witin the school that others know about she can't feign that she didn't know when you don't take her dd and the onus is back on her to make sure she picks up her dd from school...