Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To want my baby to have my surname?

46 replies

Scaltini · 12/10/2010 21:15

I am 30+1 with first child, and not yet married to DP - got a bit hijacked by pregnancy!

My DP has two children, he was also not married to their mum at birth of first child - they married three months post birth, but the child had his surname from birth.

Basically he expects the same to happen again, which I am quite against, mostly because I will be the one taking the baby to all of the appts and would be a bit odd for us to have different surnames!! We're not planning to get married until next winter, so it would be a whole year of having a different surname to my baby - although I suppose it's going to happen to one of us either way...

I think his issue stems from fathers having less rights if not married to the mother, although from what I gather rule changes in 2003 mean this is not the case if you register the birth together (I am assuming this literally means you both go to register the birth - who knows!)

Also on a more petty note when my Step-daughters are here, there would be 4 people in the house with DP's name, and just me with mine!! Sounds trivial, but feels important...

So I have pretty much decided that the baby is having my name, which I think is fair - will break it to him in a few weeks I think. Nothing like a bit of procrastination

OP posts:

NestaFiesta · 12/10/2010 21:17

YANBU- you can change it when you get married, then you will all have the same name. I think you are being perfectly reasonable.

EricNorthmansMistress · 12/10/2010 21:23

YANBU, no reason why it should automatically be your DP's and not yours BUT if you intend to change yours on marriage, that's a bit silly if your DC has a different name to the rest of you! If you intend to keep your name then suggest DP's name goes as a middle name or something. On another note DS has DH's name and I have mine, it never causes problems or raised eyebrows. He will have PR as long as he goes with you and is named on the birth cert, names mean nothing in terms of PR. On the other hand I quite understood why DH wanted the name connection to DS, as I think there is a difference in the bond initially between fathers and mothers and their DCs.

SpringHeeledJack · 12/10/2010 21:25

YANBU

my dds do have my name- doesn't stop MIL and SIL "awarding" them dp's surname on birthday cards etc

[fuuuuuuuume]

onceamai · 12/10/2010 21:28

If he were that against the baby having your name he should have made sure you were married before the birth then.

DiscoDaisy · 12/10/2010 21:32

All my DC have their fathers surname. We intend to get married at some point and thought it easier to just change my surname rather than everybody's when we do.

tarantula · 12/10/2010 21:33

Dd has both our surnames (not hyphenated tho). She is my child so has my surname simple as that.

Dp registered her at the library in just his name which didnt go down too well with either dd or me so I think he'll not be doing that again.

animula · 12/10/2010 21:35

Our children have my surname. Go for it. There aren't many of us around, apparently. Which I find a bit odd, but there you go.

Or you could do what Courney Love and Kurt Cobain did, and choose an entirely different surname. In their case "Bean".

notrightnow · 12/10/2010 21:36

Why don't you get married? If that's your intention anyway, and you intend to change your name, then get married now. You still have 6 weeks or so. Have a registry office do with two witnesses. That would solve both the name and parental rights/responsiblities problem. If you want a big party, have one next year!

proudnscary · 12/10/2010 21:38

YANBU but our dc had both our surnames til we got married. I wasn't mad about the idea of the kids having a different name to mine.

APixieInMyTea · 12/10/2010 21:39

Not sure really.

I think your reasons are a bit daft.

Loads of mothers have different surnames to their children. It's not odd. That's a strange thing to say.

My 2 ds's have their dad's name, Dp's older ds has his dad's name so when we're altogether there's 4people with one name and me with my own name.
Doesn't make us any less of a family.

We're not planning on getting married for another 18 months or so yet but we will eventually and then I'll change my name to match and it's far easier to change one name than it is to change 3 different people's name plus all the sodding paperwork that comes with it, having to remember to tell banks, schools, doctors, National insurance, Passport, driving lisence and everyone else for 3different people would be a bloody gaff. (can you tell I've already changed my name once )

But obviously it's your child and your say not mine. Could you not compromise and double barrel the name?

foreverastudent · 12/10/2010 21:45

he's the one who is being unreasonable.

There's nothing to stop you sneaking going to the registry office on your own you know . He'll get his father's rights once he's married you. Not having his name there is your insurance policy in the meantime.

EricNorthmansMistress · 12/10/2010 21:49

foreverastudent what shit advice! Is your DP a complete cunt at all? Because there would be no reason to be so shitty to a decent man, or need an 'insurance policy' of not putting them on the birth certificate! sheesh.

Original poster

Scaltini · 12/10/2010 21:51

notrightnow - I see what you mean re getting married now - but I look a bit like an elephant, so don't think I could bring myself to do it!!

I'm pretty much settled on my decision - although willing to hyphenate if he wants. Just wanted a sense check that I'm not being a total bint about it!

OP posts:

LilMsUnfortunateAxeIncident · 12/10/2010 21:54

DON'T Do what I did. Put the DC in your name.

If he wants the DC to have his name, he has to marry you. Seriously.

When you marry, as he is the father, you can change the birth certificate.

If you register them as his name, don't ever get round to marrying and the worst comes the the worst, you are stuck with the X name. I call DS by my surname. His dad is still with us, for how long I have no idea.

My DS is known as my surname, and in time can have documentation in his assumed name.

WitchyFlisspaps · 12/10/2010 21:55

I don't see why on earth you think it would be strange for you and your DC to have different surnames.

On another note, my DH's cousin has his mum's surname but actually would prefer to have his Dad's surname. His parents are still together and never married, but now he's a teenager it's going to be a faff to change it.

If you're planning on marrying your DP anyway, I don't understand why you'd bother giving DC your surname only to have to change it anyway.

And foreverastudents advice is bonkers, if I were your DP and you 'sneaked off' to the registry office to register the birth unbeknownst to me, I would NOT be happy.

notrightnow · 12/10/2010 21:58

Marriage (a 15 minute legal proceeding in a council office) is about securing a clear, legal and financial future for yourself, your husband, and your baby. Honestly, why does 'looking like an elephant' have anything to do with it?

I'm not being disingenuous - I really don't understand. It's not just you - I read about this kind of thing all the time on MN. If marriage is important to you in a spiritual or religious sense, then why aren't you married to your DP already? And if it isn't, then it's all about the party and 'your day'. You can still have that, next winter. But get the legal stuff done now and spare yourself at best a lot of fuss and at worst a lot of heartache further down the line.

Good luck though, with whatever you decide.

LilMsUnfortunateAxeIncident · 12/10/2010 22:00

it's a point, a principle.

If it really IS that important, then your DP can book a cancellation at the register office and you can have your 'do' as planned next year.

Somehow it IS odd, have had 4 years of it, my nursery mummy mates have similar issues, and one of them did name her DC with her name because her H hadn't asked to marry. She's right. My H has all the glory of having our DS in his name without doing anything to earn it, we don't have rights that we would do if we were married. he won't do a will etc etc, so why the heck does he deserve DS to be in his name. I thought I was doing the right thing by H, but I turned out doing the wrong thing for me and for my DS somehow.

The only option I have is to call him by my name.

APixieInMyTea · 12/10/2010 22:00

If you don't trust your dp enough to give them your surname then why the hell are you marrying him. (that's a general comment by the way, not aimed at anyone in particular)

He's the child's parent as well ffs. Some people on here seem to think the child belongs to the mother and the mother only.

If he wants parental responsibility he'll have to marry you first? What a crock of shit.

Op, I really think double barrelled is probably the best option if you are planning on getting married anyway.

taintedpaint · 12/10/2010 22:02

animula, Frances Bean Cobain is her full name. Bean is definitely a middle name.

Scaltini, YANBU, but you might want to have a think about how much this actually means to you, because the reasons you have given seem a bit arbitrary. Sorry if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you're wanting to put your mark on your baby, and a surname won't do that. You're the mummy, you don't need to pass on your name to make that mean something!

You being the one taking the baby to the appointments and having DSDs in the house are not reasons upon which a decision should be made about a name. Are there other reasons you haven't given for wanting your name? I can't quite believe that's all there is to it.

Also, it might seem obvious, but I don't think this should be your decision alone. You can't really be expecting to just 'tell' your DP and have that be the end of it? Can't you just hyphenate the surname so you can both get in there?

I repeat, YANBU for wanting the baby to have your name, but I just don't see your reasons as being a big deal at all. Especially since you're planning on getting married anyway.

taintedpaint · 12/10/2010 22:04

I'm really troubled by how much you think this is your decision alone....

ColdComfortFarm · 12/10/2010 22:05

I would hate for my children to have a different name and if I wasn't married then they would have my name. I think it is entirely reasonable.

animula · 12/10/2010 22:08

Goodness, where did all this stuff about "ownership" come up?

I missed that in the OP.

Scaltini - you are correct, the name of the father on the birth certificate is going to carry more weight than a surname wrt the law, access and care of children should you split up.

So perhaps print off some stuff about the legal situation, and try and reach a compromise re naming that suits you.

Unless I'm very misguided, the main "rights" conferred on marriage are about you and he, and financial stuff, and health stuff, between the tow of you, not between him and the children.

There's also some form you can fill in, a Parental Responsibility Agreement, but I don't think it's necessary if his name is on the birth certificate.

so, in short, decide your name, get married when you want to, and don't get rushed into things.

Muser · 12/10/2010 22:11

Are you going to take his name when married? If yes, change your name by deedpoll now. Everyone has the same name, everyone wins.

animula · 12/10/2010 22:12

taintedpaint - Oh, I am disappointed. I thought that was rather lovely. Let's face it, the narrative of a bitter fame is going to tie her to her ancestry, with a surname being almost a tautology.

taintedpaint · 12/10/2010 22:15

Haha, I know, it would've been so cute! And you're right, her surname is rather incidental.

Flip

1 2