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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be a bit fed up of my DS getting bitten?

26 replies

EricNorthmansMistress · 12/10/2010 20:36

Nothing I can do I think...staying for another week with the ILs, DN is a huge 19mo, DS a small 25mo, DN is bigger. He is a bit of a disturbed child I think, not much consistency of care, plus am abroad and parenting styles are v different. Anyway, he and DS have lots of fun, but punctuated by regular bites. Poor DS keeps coming to me and saying 'no adam bite' with a sad face and poor DN keeps getting slapped but it's doing fuck all. I know children this age bite but DS has started slapping DN when he gets near him which is behaviour I don't really want him learning. Short of watch them like hawks (which doesn't even stop it) what can I do?

OP posts:
Doigthebountyeater · 12/10/2010 20:38

Your first job is to protect your child. I had a friend whose son kept doing this - we are no longer friends. I know it is your nephew so therefore awkward but if it was me I'd just say that I wasn't letting them play together whilst this behaviour was going on. Poor DN for getting slapped all the time too.

RandomMusings · 12/10/2010 20:45

you need to watch like a hawk I'm afraid

be ready to whip DS out of the way, to parry the bite with your forearm if need be

not very restful for you Sad

Original poster
EricNorthmansMistress · 12/10/2010 21:05

Nope, it's not really a relaxing break :( 2 weeks with the ILs without H - I'm a bloody saint.

OP posts:
Caboodle · 12/10/2010 21:55

I also had a friend whose son did this for a while; his nursery had told her a strategy to use was to shadow him at all times so she coould intervene before any biting. However, at play areas etc she admitted she just couldn't be bothered! I got fed up with tears from my smaller ds and also with having to tell her ds it wasn't nice etc; just stayed out of her way until he grew out of it. Not an option for you on your jollies - what have his parents said about it?

Original poster
EricNorthmansMistress · 13/10/2010 10:28

his mum tries but their strategy to any poor behaviour is shouting and smacking which happens so often it has no impact :( not easy.

OP posts:
Oblomov · 13/10/2010 10:34

what do you expect them to do OP ? other than telling a child that its not o.k. and remving them ? excluding them ?
ds never did this. he was bitten, at nursery, on the face, and had a black bruise, showing upper and lower jaw. was hideous. but is just a phase, yes. one that a child will stop when they are ready ? and you can't make them stop, can you ?

so your only option is to avoid ? why did you agree to stay with IL's if you knew this was the case ?
Hva eyou told the IL's that you can't becasue of DN ?

Original poster
EricNorthmansMistress · 13/10/2010 10:51

Cheers Oblomov for your so helpful post Hmm I don't want any advice really, just having a little moan. I did not know DN was a biter, but as the ILs live on another continent and we only see them twice a year, not visiting is not an option. I'm not judging the ILs they have had a tough time and SIL is young and divorced, DN has had a confused little life but there it is. I just have to pay better attention.

OP posts:
olderandwider · 13/10/2010 13:19

Could you demonstrate a new way for your DN and DS to behave better? Children will often copy new behaviour if it gets them more attention. Instead of shadowing DN and DS to pre-empt attacks, could you set up some sort of game with stuffed toys or dolls that show lots of hugs and cuddles going on?

Exaggerating the niceness of the toys might just get the boys to decide to copy what they are seeing. You know, "Wow, look at teddy giving lion a big cuddle. Isn't that lovely! let's all do that too shall we (and so on)"

If some sort of treat is incorporated into the Niceness game ("Oooh all that hugging has made me hungry. let's have a biscuit etc)" the boys may simply decide it is more fun interacting in this new way.

altinkum · 13/10/2010 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsruffallo · 13/10/2010 13:30

Uneccessarily aggressive Oblomov

Faaamily · 13/10/2010 13:32

Watch them like a hawk. If your ILs won't take responsibility, you need to.

It's a shame your ILs think that the way to discipline their child is slapping him. Not very constructive - at 19 mths he is almost certainly acting on impulse and is struggling to control himself (very common). The slapping actually sounds quite abusive, imo.

To the poster who said: 'I had a friend whose son kept doing this - we are no longer friends.' NOT HELPFUL. For all you know that little boy will grow into a lovely child, and your DS will go through some sort of hideous toddler stage like biting or similar (or maybe be a horrible teen?). Swings and roundabouts.

FindingMyMojo · 13/10/2010 13:34

poor DN getting slapped & shouted at for biting. No wonder he doesn't understand, he's getting very mixed aggressive messages.

Where is he biting? I taught DD that she must not let her fingers, hand or arm go near anyones mouth - but that will only work if your son is getting bitten on the hand.

Good luck with the rest of the stay - I think you have to hover & intervene yourself.

VinegArghhhWasStabbedInTheTits · 13/10/2010 13:35

how can a 19 month old be disturbed? all dc go through a stage of biting, some dc just dont bite others, you need to watch like a hawk and its not a very nice thing to say about your DN

not sure why you thought a break with a 25 mth old would be very relaxing either, i remember going away with my 3 yr old, i dont think i relaxed the whole holiday

altinkum · 13/10/2010 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VinegArghhhWasStabbedInTheTits · 13/10/2010 13:46

biting doesnt make him disturbed, it makes him normal Hmm

VinegArghhhWasStabbedInTheTits · 13/10/2010 13:47

but if the parents are smaking him you may be right, they sound like idiots

altinkum · 13/10/2010 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Needanewname · 13/10/2010 14:03

A friends boy used to always pull DD2's hair when ever he got close to her and he'd really hurt her, his mum tried shouting, tellimg him off, removing him, all the usual things etc, but nothing ever worked.

She had to watch him like a hawk and whenever he went for her hair, my friend would get his hand, and stroke DD2's hair saying awwwww nice DD2, we did this over and over again until in the ned (a week or 2) whenever he went near her he would stroke her hair instead!

Not sure if you can find a similar thing, but I'm afraid you will have to watch like a hawk.

Oblomov · 13/10/2010 14:14

mrsruffalo, what do you mean ?
what i said was that there is little that OP can do ? I mena what does she expect the parents to do ? a child carries on in this phase until they decide not to do it anymore, i presume. i don't know. other than form removal and telling a child no, what are th eparents supposed to do ?

and thus, OP has no alternative other than not to go. she has a choice. she goes. watches like a hawk. or choses not to go. avoids DN.

what are the other options ? i'm sorry, i must have missed something.

how is this aggressive ?

bigchris · 13/10/2010 14:18

She's already there oblomov
she didn't know dn bites before she left
she's looking for advice on how to deal with the situation she's in

deepheat · 13/10/2010 14:26

Not nice. I was supervising a playgroup on Sunday when a lad (about 2yrs) bit my DD (16m). Didn't want to rush in and tell him off myself (there were other parents there and I thought it would be better coming from them, as it was my daughter who got bitten), but nobody really did anything! Was a bit angry but bit my tongue (metaphrically!).

Hard for you though, and fair play for putting in a 2 week stint without H. Maybe sit down with ILs and suggest you agree how to address this together. You can say that you don't like your little'un slapping to give the impression that it is both kids behaviour and not just theirs that needs addressing?

Have to say that the smacking of DN sounds harsh, and a little counter-productive when you consider what it is trying to achieve.

Good luck. Just hitch a ferry home if you can't stand it!

deepheat · 13/10/2010 14:30

Oblomov, your post did come across as a little aggressive. Was also a little tricky to read, which may have clouded your intended tone.

Agree that its a phase, but don't think that this means nothing can be done. Phases last a lot longer if they're not addressed properly by parents. I'm nowhere near convinced that smacking is a way to teach a kid not to be violent, but there you go.

altinkum · 13/10/2010 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oblomov · 13/10/2010 14:50

I didn't know that OP didn't know this before.
Nowhere did I condone smacking. AT ALL. I did say that a child needs to be removed and told no. what else do we expect the parents to do ?
I didn't realise that advice was not sought. I thought it was from the 'what can i do' at the end of the OP.
And I am very sorry, but if she can't leave, which now appears she can't. then what can she do? as others have said, other than watching like a hawk, not a lot, i'm afraid.
Best I step away.

Oblomov · 13/10/2010 14:55

And when i say the child needs to be removed, and told no. I mean the child that is the biter needs to be removed and told no.
If a child bites or pushes or snactes, we remove them so they don't endanger anyone. then we tell they shouldn't do this. and in removing them form the pleasure, that is in itself a deterant.
what else can be done?

that is what the parents of the biter/pusher need to do.

what can the parent of the child being bitten/pushed do ? watch like a hawk. kiss and cuddle afterwards.

I don't get thta what i wrote was so awful.

But sorry. I said I was on my way. Promise i will now.