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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find it hard to sympathise/empathise with a friend whose life is pretty fantastic?

50 replies

Bluebell99 · 12/10/2010 20:08

So I have a friend who lives in a lovely house, husband has a good job which pays really well, she has two children in a good expensive private school. But she appears really depressed and is always negative about everything. I don't see her as much as I used to as I find her negativity brings me down, and she is also very critical.
I have another newer friend, who has a severely disabled child,but is very positive and I can't help thinking that friend 1 should get a grip because there are people in much worse situations. But then I think maybe I am being harsh and people can't help being depressed?!

OP posts:
alfabetty · 12/10/2010 20:28

I have a husband with a good job and two lovely children, nice house. But I gave up my career to be at home and support my husband, he worked till very late every night, and I got lonely and could have easily tipped in to depression.

I'd hate to think my friends at that time were judging me for being ungrateful. They were sympathetic and even said they wouldn't want to swap places with me! They could see that although it's nice not to have to worry about money, it's not a substitute for a good family life.

Why not ask her what's up - say 'you seem a bit down on things at the moment - any reason?' rather than assuming everything's rosy as her husband has a good job and her life ticks some stereotypical boxes?

cupcakesandbunting · 12/10/2010 20:29

I also love Stephen. Whenever I am having one of my "episodes" I always think of him and know that I am in excellent company Grin

saltyair · 12/10/2010 20:30

I bet I love him more than you do.

WhatsWrongWithYou · 12/10/2010 20:31

When my PND was first diagnosed years ago, I remember feeling baffled and guilty as, while by no means being in the ranks of the OP's friend, I had a nice house, husband, didn't work etc - what did I have to be stressed about?

As others have said, depression can strike whatever the circs.

But I also remember being conscious that I didn't want to be seen as always 'down' and moaning, to the extent that i often felt I had nothing to say and became quite withdrawn.

I think you can kick-start your way out of depression by positive thinking and transmitting a positive vibe, but that can be the hardest thing to do when you're in the thick of it - and the change has to come from within.

Original poster
Bluebell99 · 12/10/2010 20:34

I think tho some of the things that get her down are out of proportion. For example, recently she said she worried that she was letting her kids down by only sending them to x school (very good private school) and not y school (more expensive and renowned school) and she said this to me and my friends who are all educating in state schools, so not very sensitive to us, and may be some stealth bragging going on?!

Riven, you sound lovely btw.

Her dh hates his job but is worried he can't find another that would pay as well as currently. I did suggest if he is that unhappy he look to do something he likes, but what with the private education, he needs to earn enough to support their lifestyle.

OP posts:
alfabetty · 12/10/2010 20:41

Changing jobs is never easy, esp with a lifestyle and family to support, and even more difficult in the current climate.

They probably feel a bit trapped, and giving up work to do something more rewarding isn't really an option when you have a stay-at-home wife and two kids in private school - you're pretty committed by then.

chandellina · 12/10/2010 20:42

those sound like good problems relative to disease and hunger, for example, but they're the kinds of things that torment lots of people.

I'm not sure we are developing the full picture here - it sounds like you just want a moan about your friend and know you indeed are being harsh.

Original poster
Bluebell99 · 12/10/2010 20:45

I do think there are some good points here. But I do find her negativity brings me down and I have stopped inviting her round to mine, because I hate it when she is critical either about her own "better" house or furnishings or another friends. She can be a bit bitchy. I do understand what it feels like to be depressed, and I try to help myself by getting out and doing a class or go swimming etc.
I think I will make an effort to persuade to come out. She often doesn't come because of housework (which makes me feel bad as my house is loads worst than hers!)

OP posts:
narmada · 12/10/2010 20:46

Having suffered depression for many years on and off, I can say that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. The thing about it is that it is just impossible to be positive about anything when you are unwell. Small problems seem massive and completely intractable.

If your friend really is depressed, her life (as she experiences it) may well be a million times worse than someone else with seemingly poorer material conditions.

Morloth · 12/10/2010 20:51

Money isn't magic you know.

It can smooth out a lot of life's lumps and bumps but it can't make things all better.

I know plenty of rich women who are very unhappy. From the outside their lives are 'perfect' but scratch the surface and it is all a bit dark.

Unlike me, I am rich and very fucking happy about it - I think it is because I am shallow, being shallow is very relaxing.

Morloth · 12/10/2010 20:53

One of those women a very good friend of mine even said that she felt like she wasn't allowed to be depressed. After all what did she have to be unhappy about?

Original poster
Bluebell99 · 12/10/2010 20:54

Okay, so how can I help her? What helped you, Narmada?

OP posts:
wouldliketoknow · 12/10/2010 20:56

my sil is a bit like that at the mo, complains about everything and seems she is the only good mother in the world, but here is a reason why, she feels frustrated about something outside their control, i just put up with it and try to help her to see the sunny side a bit more... it will get better when the problem solves
maybe there is something wrong in her life, she hinted some concerns, and she needs a shoulder to cry on, even if you think her concerns aren't worthy of your time, sorry op, but you won't be a very good friend if you give a cold shoulder

chandellina · 12/10/2010 20:56

be gentle and try not to judge, for starters.

wouldliketoknow · 12/10/2010 20:58

ops, took to long to post... apologies, i think just going for coffee and having a laugh, find something funny to talk about beforehand

fernie3 · 12/10/2010 20:58

Depression can be as a result of the past so even though her life may be lovely now she may have had a terrible past which you know nothing of.

narmada · 12/10/2010 21:20

bluebell99 the thing that helped me more than anything else was antidepressants when needed. Maybe you could have a chat with her, say you've noticed that she often seems unhappy, and is there anything you can do to help?

Some people don't themselves believe in depression, though, so it can be quite hard to help them.

wouldliketoknow · 12/10/2010 21:24

i had a friend who was deeply depressed, convince her to go to the gp, geve her antidepressant, didn't want them, convince her to go to a psychologist for help, two sessions she quitted, nothing i could do would get her appobal, became quite a bitter bitch and i abandon, but you can't say i didn't try...

she needs to want to help herself, if she does be sure to be there for her.

katykoo · 12/10/2010 21:34

Why have we decided this lady is depressed? I am happily married with a lovely husband, 3 gorgeous kids etc etc but I can still be a miserable cow!!

Oblomov · 12/10/2010 21:45

I think Op is describing me. Minus the 2 children at private schools. or the being bitchy bit. oh and less the depression. But the struggling and miserable bit is spot on.
Either support her or get rid. Lets save you the bother and advise you to drop her like a hot potato, shall we ? Hmm

Oblomov · 12/10/2010 21:48

or have a coffee with her. and make her laff till she almost wets herself. my school-mum friend came to my house today and did thta to me.
made me feel heaps better Smile

saintlydamemrsturnip · 12/10/2010 21:49

Well she sounds as if she has little self awareness if she is banging on about private schools in front of people using state education. You could try saying 'wrong audience' to her and see if that changes anything.

UnquietDad · 12/10/2010 21:49

I had friends who I thought were like that. Two years ago she had an affair and it all came out - turned out that all this time they had had a shit marriage and everything was for show. You can never judge from the outside...

katykoo · 12/10/2010 22:06

Oblomov, thats so true, sometimes thats all us miserable cows need, a coffee and a girlie chat.
I have felt rotten about shouting at my kids, not feeding them enough vegetables or a husband who plays golf every Saturday but there's nothing like a latte and a good old moan even witth a school-mum, to make you realise you're not alone!!

Mumcentreplus · 12/10/2010 22:12

Scratch the surface and you really dont know what's going on a relationship

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