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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Compromise.... the big C?

19 replies

Simmon · 12/10/2010 09:15

My wife and I have 2 beautiful daughters aged 6 and 3. My wife would like another child. I would not.
If we had two boys I could see the reasoning.
We have a recent new edition in the shape of a pony into the family after plenty of discussions (I was initially negative about the idea, but compromised).

I feel I'm in a no win situation. The gun is at my head and I feel bullied over this. Damned if I do damned if I don't.

The Menopause is a few years away. Finacially it would makes things tighter, but we should be able to manage.

The feeling of being "incomplete".....does that go away for some women?

I want to enjoy our children now and most of all our marriage, which is some respects has been on hold for 6 years.

The overriding feeling of broodyness from my wife counters any discussions, which lead to tears.

I don't want to chase a boy (which I've been promised we could try for with dates and timing). I don't want another baby. I want us to move onto the next part of our life.

I fear my wife will always resent me for saying no.

Is she being greedy?

Am I being unreasonable by wanting to stay as we are?

OP posts:

mumblechum · 12/10/2010 09:20

YANBU.

Have you told your wife what you've said in your opening post?

twilight3 · 12/10/2010 09:21

YANBU and neither is your wife. A child is a big decision and has to be wanted by all. I don't think anyone here can give you the answer you're looking for.

I have to say though, this made me cringe "If we had two boys I could see the reasoning." WTF?

mumblechum · 12/10/2010 09:23

I think he meant that she might want a girl because some women think it's very important to have a daughter for some reason.

Alambil · 12/10/2010 09:25

well, yes - you are being unreasonable for the simple fact that you don't want a(ny) more babies because you have two gorgeous daughters... yet if they were sons....?

THAT is out of order and I don't blame your wife for being upset.

What is that about? If you had past proof of producing boys, you'd continue? Nice. I hope your DDs never find out that was the reason for saying no!

twilight3 · 12/10/2010 09:26

Lewis, I don't think this is what the OP is saying AT ALL!

twilight3 · 12/10/2010 09:26

It's acutally the wife promising a boy in her attempt to convince him for another baby

Alambil · 12/10/2010 09:30

what does this: "If we had two boys I could see the reasoning." mean then?

"If we had two boys, I could see the reasoning - to produce more sons, but as we only have daughters, boys are not guarunteed, so I won't take ("chase") the risk...." no?

that's the only way it reads to me...

DandyLioness · 12/10/2010 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ReneRusso · 12/10/2010 09:31

YANBU. But neither is she. It isn't greedy to want another. It's a natural feeling. If you stone wall her, she might always resent you for saying no, but if you keep talking then I think you can put it behind you and move on. Keep talking about it and acknowledge her feelings.

NerdyFace · 12/10/2010 09:31

Lewisfan

Wind your neck in!

The OP is saying, if they ALLREADY had 2 boys, he could see his wife wanting to try again because some women go a little crazy for "Having a daughter."

Also, YANBU OP!

oldenoughtowearpurple · 12/10/2010 09:33

Lewis you have misunderstood - I'm with Mumblechum, and think he's being generous.

Anyway, sadly, nobody can help you with this - one of you is going to be unhappy. From your POV the question may be 'would I be happier with a happy wife and another baby, or happier with a resentful wife and no more babies'. Only you can answer that.

Faaamily · 12/10/2010 09:34

YANBU.

I totally understand and empathise with both of your feelings on this, to be honest.

It is a tough situation and there are no easy answers. I agree with ReneRusso. Keep talking. Keep listening.

Ultimately, though, you have decide between you if this is a 'deal breaker', or if one of you can come around to seeing the other's point of view.

DandyLioness · 12/10/2010 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

twilight3 · 12/10/2010 09:37

DH convinced against a third 10 years ago by putting pen to paper and showing me how much that would limit our travelling options. I've never looked back.

5DollarShake · 12/10/2010 09:41

OP - you are not being unreasonable and neither is your wife. It's an issue on which it's very difficult to compromise. Are you absolute in your position? Could you ever see yourself ageing to another child? I think all you can do is keep talking to each other and hope you can both eventually come to the same conclusion.

Lewisfan - how can you come to such a topsy-turvy conclusion? .

The OP says his wife is trying to entice him by trying for a boy. See paragraph 7.

5DollarShake · 12/10/2010 09:44

I meant to say - trying to entice him by trying for a boy, and yet he's still not interested. He's happy with his girls.

sux2bme · 12/10/2010 09:55

Hi Simmon

imho YANBU but it is difficult one. It is hard if she feels the clock is ticking but i totally understand you when you say you've been 'on hold' for 6 years.

i have a DD and am about to have a second DD after an 8 year gap. To start over after 8 years is very scary and to be pregnant at 39 is even scarier both physically emotionally and medically.

my husband and I had a conversation about future resentment when i was feeling broody a couple of years ago and I concluded broodiness wasn't a good enough reason to have another.

It is interesting you mention having 2 DDs - could it be she hankers after a son? How would she feel about a 3rd DD? or is trying for a son supposed to lure you into procreation on the cliche that all men want a DS to play footie with?

i respect your honesty and unless you had prediscussed a large family then 2 kids seems fine to me but it isn't my hormones!
my DD will be loved - goes without saying - and i am not so bloody silly and graceless as to not be grateful for her - but she wasn't planned and ironically my DH is coping better than me.

i suspect if it came to it you would manage but i completely empathise with your situation and don't think it's a great idea if you feel like you have a gun to your head...you therefore have the following options:

actively try for a 3rd baby
have a vasectomy
have sex without contraception and leave it to fate

you will resent
she will resent
que sera sera but both of you have to live with the consequences

The idea that it's she who wants the child and will agree to take 100% responsibility for looking after it/coping while pregnant/managing disappointments etc (not that you suggest this, mind) will never work - either you are on board or you're not.

So you need to ask yourself how you'd feel if she had a positive test next week and she needs to be clear on how she'd feel having another girl? or is it a baby at any cost/as long as healthy/how would she cope with a trisomy?

is fostering an idea?

good luck with your decision ;-)

Original poster

Simmon · 12/10/2010 11:30

Whooaa, Thanks for the input, it's good to have other opinions and perspective on this.

Mumblechum, yes I have expressed my feelings from my opening post.

To clarify, the boy statement.

My wife always wanted girls (she is one of two girls), I always wanted boys (i'm one of three boys). She is in her element with all things related to bringing up girls; clothes, hair, pony etc.

If we had had two boys I'm fairly sure she would be craving a girl, I would try for a girl for her.

I however in the same way don't feel the craving for a son.

I try to remain open minded and search for the desire for a third, but it's not coming as life gets easier.

Incidently, both our daughters had silent reflux and needed gaviscon after feeds. Not easy. My wife soley breastfeed despite me asking for expressing/bottles for my turn (they refused the bottle after a few days). It never happened. Maybe that's why?

Lewisfan; in future it may be useful to clarify ambiguity.

Thanks again.

If my feelings change, I'll keep you in the loop!

OP posts:

anonymousbird · 12/10/2010 11:38

Oh Simmon, you could be my BIL!! He is under major pressure to produce a DC3, so much so, that their sex life is now non existent, so terrified is he that she will "by accident" get pregnant...

I don't know what to advise, but it is a really tough one that only you and your DW can work through together...

As for feeling incomplete, I cannot comment, I have two DC, and feel utterly complete, so don't know how that must feel, if it is overwhelming or not. We also took the view that I was knocking on a bit, and with two gorgeous healthy happy ones, I might be pushing my luck (both for me and any third child) for everything to be ok.

Good luck, and for what it's worth, I think you sound lovely. You're clearly a thoughtful man and really hope you find a solution that works for you all.

The whole "if we time right a boy should come along" thing is not a theory to hang your hat on but I am sure you know that!

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