I really don't understand my father & his wife.

[Coffeebeans]

I can't take anymore of my fathers new wife. She is so jealous, controlling & selfish. They've been together over two years & she has got serious problems. To the point where she's even accused me of sleeping with my father! Ffs! She drinks heavy & is very abusive. She even gets in her car with her daughter. After my sister lost her son at 5 days she wasn't very polite to others, i totally understand why my sister wasn't taking peoples feelings into consideration! Anyhow, the new wife took great offence & has been drunkenly phoning her, swearing & shouting! Shameful! My brother has been made homeless & she's got no interest in letting him stay in there sizable house. He's been sleeping in his car. She's made my father choose her over his own family, she can't cope with the fact he's got a past. They've both treated us terrible. I could go on, its a very long story. Anyhow, i sent her an email, can't cope with talking to her on the phone. I explained clearly & non abusive how they should be ashamed of themselves. They honestly don't think they've done anything out of order. She claims she's the victim. The whole world revolves around her & her delusions.

Good grief, she sounds like a total loon. Not sure what the sentance about her getting in the car with her daughter is about.
Could your brother stay at yours for a little bit?

Goodness, she sounds awful.

Yes, can you offer your brother somewhere to stay? Hope that your sister is OK.

I wouldn't expect too much to come of the email, though I bet you feel better for having a rant anyway.

Assume that means getting in the car/driving whilst drunk?

Wow she must be a real whore in bed as from what you say I can see no other reason why your father would want to shack up with a mental drunk!

Shut them out of your life they will only do damage, and when it all turns to shit (and it will) do not offer your father any support.

Part of your post chimes with me - my father remarried when I was very young and whilst she doesn't openly carry on like your SM is, she has dismissed all my mother's side of the family as "nutters", slagged off all my dad's side of the family (although she does socialise with them but behind their backs she's vicious about every single one) and I have been squeezed out of the family because I still have a relationship with my mother. And I look like her.

To be honest, unless your father grows a pair and defends his family (like mine never has) you're on a hiding to nothing and you might want to consider moving far away and forgetting them.

She hasn't made your father do anything - he's chosen to. I know that's difficult to get your head round.

Cut her off. Cut contact entirewly. You are not obliged to ever hear from this poisonous harridan again.

Yes, drink driving with her young daughter. I think my brothers moved back in with his gf, they don't love each other. I've just moved into a 2 bed bungalow with a conservatory, so i've got the space for him. I'm going to ring him today. He even suggested their pretentious garden shed summer house. I wrote in the email that maybe she should try cognitive therapy, because accusing me of sleeping with my father is disturbing paranoia. I got a text last night saying i'll regret my statements when he dies! Then later on she text saying she's leaving my father because she feels everythings aimed at her. Most of the email was aimed at my father. Truth hurts hey! She's always threatening to leave my father, because of his imagined affairs. When he used to phone me he always had to put her on the phone, so dull! Anyhow when i was in hospital at 36 weeks with pre eclampsia, he rang me, then went to put her on the phone, i told him i wasn't in the mood. Imagine the grief that caused! Forget the fact i was about to have a c section because me & my unborn child was in danger! On a nicer note, my sis is due dec 4th.

I think you need to have a lie down

'my unborn child & I'. Bad english. My ds was grizzling because I was writing & not giving him any attention. Time to get dressed. Thanks for reading this, it does feel better to have a rant.

Ignore her completely. Just pretend that she doesn't even exist, look right through her etc. Would be hard. She sounds like a total nightmare. If your dad insists on you speaking to her on the phone, put it down.

Unfortunately, if your dad chooses to side with her, you will just have to hope that one day he will come to his senses, or she may actually carry out her threat and leave.

What a bitch she sounds.

You need to stop fighting with her. You are trying to reason with a loon.

OK, so you have put your point across. You never know, it may work... probably not, but you tried. Now carry on taking the high road and refuse to engage. Keep saying over and over, no-one wants to fight with you, but your behaviour is not acceptable. I've said what I need to say, and until you are able to be civil, there is nothing more that needs to be said.

Your dad will always be your dad, dead or alive, but she will never be a relative to you, unless she goes out of her way to integrate herself into your family unit. Sure she can make an effort to be a part of the family, but she needs ultimately to be accepted by you, and that's what scares her. She is threatened by you/your family, so wants to drive you all away.

She is clearly insecure, accusing your Dad of all sorts too.

The problem is that he is allowing/enabling her to behave like this, and worse with his own children. You ought to tell him that he wouldn't have stood for this behaviour from you as a child, tantrumming, abuse etc, so why is she allowed to do this to your family.

He needs to sit her down and tell her that this crap ends today. That he has a family, that that family is a dearly loved family, that needs him, needs his support and that he is free to give it. She needs to support him 100% on this, as he would on her if it were her family in need.

If she is unwilling to do this, then perhaps he misjudged her and made a mistake.

Then all he needs to do is to sit back and wait for her to step up to the plate.

If she doesn't, then it's over.

He'll find someone else, there are many, many single/unattached women.

Your family needs to band together and stop dancing to her tune. She needs to grow up or piss off.

Remain calm, she is not worth your blood pressure!

Or, of course if he won't step up and stand up to her, then you, your sis, brother etc need to band together and distance yourselves from your dad.... make sure he knows that.

Leave him to it.

Either way, please don't allow these people to get to you.

The thing is, Coffee, she is an alcoholic. Whatever she's like when sober she'll be ten times worse when drunk. However, if she continues to make threatening and abusive phone calls, you can report her, as this is an offence under the telecommunications act. Get caller display on your phone or get hers and your father's numbers blocked if they continue. Get advice from your phone provider.

Investigate with your brother what housing associations have accommodation local to him and get him on a waiting list. He may be able to get a bedsit at an affordable rent. Obviously there will be a waiting list, but in view of his circumstances he may get pushed up the list faster. Or a shared house may be a possibility.

Make plans with your brother and sister for a Christmas that doesn't involve your father and his wife. You need to be supporting each other now. It is a bit easier to walk away from the situation as it is, it would be much harder if your father was trying to get you to help him with his wife, torn between her and his children. It's his choice to have a wife who will potentially spend all his money on booze and require nursing when her liver fails.

I hope you can all find a way forward from this awful situation.

And sometimes you need to do what is best for the grandchildren, they don't need to be exposed to all the crap. For their sakes I'd be avoiding father and his wife.

The only thing you can do is ignore her and tell your dad why you don't want to be anywhere near her, at the end of the day, it is your father's decision whether he is prepared to accept her crap, he may be so desperate to be married that he'll accept any old shit, but you don't have to.

My SIL is an abusive drunk, I don't know how/why my brother puts up with it. He comes to see us without her, we see him, without her, she leaves the house if any of our family visit...it is not nice, but if your dad is prepared to put up with it there is not a lot you can do.

Protect your children from her and be straight with your dad, I've told my brother to his face he should divorce, and he says "she keeps the house nice and tidy", so that's all right then?

A long talk to your siblings about a strategy to deal with her sounds good. PErhaps she WANTS your dad isolated from his kids, she is clearly jealous of all of you.

You dad must know in his heart of hearts she is ghastly, perhaps all the children need to be straight with him.

I would avoid emotive language such as "she is mad as a loon and is a scheming bitch who is after your money"...this may be a bit too close to the bone for your dad.

"Wow she must be a real whore in bed as from what you say I can see no other reason why your father would want to shack up with a mental drunk!"

Maybe because it's an abusive relationship and she's got him so scared of what might happen if he leaves that he feels he's got no choice but to stay? Men can be victims of abusive relationships too.

OP, could you suggest to your father that he looks into Al-Anon? It's the friends and family offshoot of alcoholics anonymous. It might help him enormously.

I would also strenuously ignore any contact direct from her, particularly if it's later in the evening. She'll likely be pissed, angry and wanting attention. Ignore her. She'll be talking bollocks anyway. It's not worth the effort to engage with the madness.

How does the saying go?...'Never argue with an idiot They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience'

Ignore her crazyness. She'll soon get bored when she doesn't get the attention she craves.

She has issues. Leave her too it. Easier said than done I know, but best thing you can do is not feed into it.

Also for the love of god if you know shes gone out in her car whilst drunk, call the police. She's a danger to herself and everyone else. My DP once watched his mate drive off while drunk and the guy ended up killing himself and his brother in a horrible smash. DP has regretted it ever since.

Just walk away. Your father is a grown up, he makes his own decision. She doesn't have to be your problem.

I have already reported her for drink driving. How she could possibly put her childs life in danger & not think anything of it is unbelievable! One time, after another drunken row. She decided to walk out in the morning with her daughter. The house is rural next to a notoriously dangerous b road. It's 4 miles into town. I've walked it & it's scary. Next time I saw them she said it was a lovely enjoyable morning stroll. My father backed her up, I was gobsmacked. How can they deny such terrible behaviour. Completely delusional. I've always adored him, I understand he's scared of being alone. Plenty of people told him not to marry her. I've been feeling tearful & guilty since the email. You know he'll blame me if she does leave, now or in the future, because the email will be a perfect excuse not to face up to it all. At least i've moved 20 miles away, so i don't have to bump into them.