to feel sad that my exh refuses to have contact with our son but is attending school meetings for her soon to be stepson?

[TheMotherOfAllDilemmas]

We split when DS was 4, there was contact until a few months ago, when DS complained that the other child (ex's new partner's son) was forcing him onto the floor to kiss him, that he felt helpless to the point he could only avoid it by bitting the other child on the lips when he was trying to kiss him. He also said that the other child was interested in a game that involved sucking each other willies but that he had not played it yet as he was very embarrassed... so I thought I needed to let his dad know about this so he could keep an eye on the kids when DS was under his care.

Since then, exh has let DS know that he doesn't want to see him until he is older (DS is 7), that I am damaging and, although he never asked DS what had happened, he cancelled his holidays at the last minute, and has not seen him ever since. I'm confident DS was not lying about this, despite al the crying and feeling miserable for WEEKS, at his dad canceling the holiday and contact, he has even said that he would have preferred for the child to continue kissing him/play the game instead of being left behind. In all these months he has never retracted about that happening.

But turning into the other child... exh now goes to his school activities, has meetings with his teacher, takes him in holidays while his own son has been left wondering whether he is going to see his dad again.

Am I unreasonable to feel like I could spit on exH face if I were given the opportunity? (Obviously I won't, but just because my manners don't allow for me to do it...)

YANBU, how old is the stepson?

Your ex is a wanker and really your child will be better off without him if he is really so not bothered about seeing his son "until he's older".

my experiences with a child whose joke of a father won't see him tells me that this could be really damaging for him :(

could you speak to the school about this? if your DS' father refuses to see is son yet flaunts his relationship with his stb stepson at the school that's really not ok.

:( for your DS, my DS and all the other children out there whose parents refuse to be a parent to them

Let me get this straight - this other child was trying to kiss your son and wanting him to engage in a sexual activity? That goes beyond, imo, the natural curiosity and games that young children play.

Has this child been abused? That is very alarming behaviour and is I believe a 'red flag' for possible abuse.

It is very probably better for your son that he does not see his father unil he is older if his father cannot see that such behaviour on the part of his stepson is worrying indeed.

This is probably something you need to talk to SS about - overly sexualised behaviour at such a young age is a sign that your ex's stepson has very likely been sexually abused.

I agree with both of the above posts.
VERY worrying indeed.

This is worrying on any number of fronts. How old is the other child? How long has he been living with your ex?

Your ex sounds like he wants to please his current partner but not you, so he is involved with the partner's child but not yours (even though your child is also his!). I expect if he split with his current partner your ex would ignore her child as well then. He doesn't sound high on fatherly abilities.

Yes, you are right to be sad, but if he is a git, he is a git.

As to the kissing thing...yes, that is extremely worrying and I agree with the previous posts that it is a red flag.

Your crap ex dh aside, the most worrying thing about your post OP was the description of sexualised behaviour from the other child.

Do you feel you could inform someone about it?

As for the other stuff, I feel very sorry indeed for your ds. Your ex sounds like an utterly selfish twat

What a total knob, he did your ds a favour, better not to have a man like that in his life. Though the sexual games are allarming and do raise questions of abuse, could it be something innocent, like he walking in on your ex whilst they are having oral sex, or another child talking about it to him and demonstrating it. The playgound is rife with this kind of thing, even kids dealing drugs there too.

What a total knob, he did your ds a favour, better not to have a man like that in his life. Though the sexual games are allarming and do raise questions of abuse, could it be something innocent, like he walking in on your ex whilst they are having oral sex, or another child talking about it to him and demonstrating it. The playgound is rife with this kind of thing, even kids dealing drugs there too.

I would be very concerned and probably call the NSPCC. You don't seem duly shocked by the fact that your son is talking about sucking willies.

Sorry double posted. At that age I used to like kissing a certain girl on the cheek though as i was quite a tactile child no abuse whatsoever though.

I gree with others. You need to tell someone else about this. NSPCC, School anyone who will listen. Don't know how old this child is but he may need help. What you described isn't normal imo.

As PosieParker said you don't seem overly worried about what has gone one between your DS and his stepbrother, you seem more concerned about youe cunt of an ex.

I'd want to keep DS as far away from these people as you can. Your ex has done your son a favour by pushing him aside as he wont investigate himself why his son is being cajoled into doing sexual things with a child by that child.

Regardless of the implicated abuse/very odd behaviour, this situation is just so sad.

What kind of man could do this to their own child?

YANBU at all - trying to explain to your DS that his dad is total waste of space must be bloody awful.

dont want to over the step mark here but did ds give any indication if exh was present in the room at time as also the dont want to see ds untill he is older could possibly be a sign of protecting ds from a cycle of abuse...i have also heard this before.

i most certanly would be calling nspcc, your ds school, step son school and local childerens services to raise the alarm these qualified people will know exactly what to do with such information from you and advice you if you are over reacting an a restrainig order wou;dnt be too Over the top either IMO

this behaviour is quite concerning, i would be very worried about my son being in this enviroment!
in regards to your ex, theres not much you can do as hard as that is you just need to get on with your life .

"As PosieParker said you don't seem overly worried about what has gone one between your DS and his stepbrother, you seem more concerned about youe cunt of an ex. "

No, I'm no longer overly worried about that, as it happened months ago, but I can tell you that I asked for help to my GP when DS started complaining about the kissing, and when he told me about bitting the other child to defend himself and the game... well sh*t hit the roof, NSPCC was contacted, and so was SS, not directly by me but by the child psychologist taking care of DS' case. A letter was sent to exH asking him to keep an eye on them during the holidays, which contained information about what DS said.

TBH I thought it was innocent play until DS told me about the game, and I was more concerned about the other child being abused (his mother said to me that her son "has plenty of "godfathers that take care of him over the weekends" so she can have time off"). So yes, I was left wondering what these male single "godfathers" may have been up to. But she didn't want to know... she said it was all a lie, blamed me for everything and sent a letter saying that it was obvious I didn't want DS to see her or her son, so it was, basically, DS' loss.

SS issued a recommendation that the children should only play under supervision but given that the other child is just slightly older than mine they decided not to intervene.

So yes, I was very concerned about that, but months later, I'm trying to deal with the aftermath, that DS doesn't see his dad, and this is not the way things should be. And it hurts that he cannot be arsed with his own child but is happy to play good dad for another child.

Holy shit, so because of extra supervision it's easier to sever all ties with his own son. He's a fuckwitting fuckwit from the planet fuckwit that celebrates fuckwittery friday every day.

Auntloretta, exh didn't see but according to DS, his partner did. DS said that at the beginning they would ask the other child to get off, but that later they started telling DS that he needed to "toughen up".

Both DS' dad and partner refute completely the allegation and said I have made it up. (as if...)

And yes, on one hand I want DS to have contact with his dad, on the other, I wonder if I am putting DS in risk by wanting so... Anyhow, it doesn't matter, his dad doesn't want to see him.

Posie, exactly,I guess it is easier to put the blame on me than looking into himself and realise that he's a crap father.

wow this is so difficult for you...i understand how the mind can run away with you when considering posible risk situations for Dcs...but I would most definatly view this that exhs partner was involving herself in an act of sexual abuse against your son, if infact he is telling the truth, which I feel you MUST belive what he has told you and act upon it. I would most definatly never allow her nor her son to have contact with your ds, do they attend the same school? I hope you do call the appropriate authorities about this.

Thankfully, they don't attend the same school. I know the other child and I know he is a nice boy, and DS was very attached to him, hence my worry at what on Earth was going on.

TBH DS seemed to be missing the other child more than he has missed his dad, and he can certainly can't understand yet what was so wrong with the suggested game.

what a situation. What a total looser your xdh is, does not deserve to be a father. Now he has cut the ties with your ds I suppose it makes things less complicated,your ds will soon know what a deadbeat his dad is and will not want him in his life later on. I also feel for the other boy too, he needs to see a social worker.