to find it impossible to forgive my mother?

[lilystyles]

When I was 24 and at college I became pregnant. I was living at my mum's house (it was a huge 4 storey house & I was paying rent & working evenings/weekends). I had just broken up with my long term partner when I found out and a scan confirmed I was already 10 weeks into the pregnancy. I decided I wanted to keep my child, especially after being pressured into an abortion at 18 by my mum and nearly dying when it went wrong. I know she has always been a very selfish & manipulative woman but what happened next shocked me. She refused to accept I was keeping the child and when I made it clear I was she asked me to leave the house. She changed the locks and to justify her actions to her friend told them I had been stealing things from her house (Completely & utterly untrue). I ended up in a bedsit alone throughout teh pregnancy having had to leave college and take on two jobs right up until 2 weeks before my daughter was born. Fast forward 6 years and I have since completed a degree, got a great career, got married and have another wonderful child. My mum helped me by looking after my daughter for 2 days a week when she was a year old while I was at uni and she has has a great relationship with my children. We speak regularly and kind of get but I find it impossible to forgive waht she did, I can't imagine doing that to my daughter, aibu?

I don't think YABU. I have had a not dissimilar experience in one respect and although I am at least civil and mostly friendly to my mother and want her involved with my child, I cannot forgive her certain things and don't expect I will (l think she 'knows' this but it isn't discussed). I also think this might be sensible as I need to be very boundaried around her (which I am still learning to do).

I found this article interesting on forgiveness:

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/jul/31/change-your-life-forgiveness

It sounds like you are doing fine with her and will be a very different mother to your daughter.

Thanks I'll read it now

YANBU - I have a very difficult relationship with my mother, her having behaved very badly when I was growing up.

After a couple of years of no contact we have a civil relationship and like lucy says above re her mother I can't and wont forgive and again she "knows" this but it is not discussed.

Having my own DC makes the relationship harder in many ways - the conflict between wanting her to have a relationship with my DC and the overwhelming realsation that there is no way I would ever behave like that towards my DC.

YANBU. There's a point at which the only responsible course of action is not to 'forgive and forget', but to get the hell away.

Do you think her looking after your child for 2 days a week was her way of saying sorry or admitting she was wrong.If you didn't pay her then she was doing you an absolutely huge favour

Yes she acted very very badly, but have her subsequent actions gone in apart to make it up to you.

I'm not normally one for forgiveness at all, but maybe you could either let this go, or even better talk to her about how wounded you still feel

YANBU. My mother was an alcoholic after the death of my father when we were only 12 and while we are friends now, I cant really forget those 15 years of misery and accusations (she also told family members I would steal from her and that we were terrible kids)

I dont think you should forgive her unless you want to. No one says you have to despite those that say things like 'But shes your mum'. They usually have no idea what some people go through. But if you think it would help YOU to do so, give it a try. If you cant then its absolutely NO failing on your part.

Do whats best for you. Good luck