at having SIL over as monthly house guest when pregnant?

[pinkegg11]

Am 8 months pregnant, and up till now all pretty plain sailing but have just had SIL over to stay for a week on business (she lives abroad but has work commitments in the UK). Transpires that her employer now wants her to come over to the UK monthly and she has basically said to my DH and I, don't change the sheets will be back in a couple of weeks!! And its pretty much a given that she'd stay with us every visit.

She is pretty easy-going and low maintenance as house guests go - but we're in a 2 bed flat with 1 bathroom - and 1 of the bedrooms is our study/general dumping ground. And with baby on the way am just feeling like I really want my space...and will feel this even more once the baby's arrived..

Am sure her employer would put her up in a very nice hotel and she has a few friends over here who could also put her up. But equally I don't want to be mean spirited - she's very supportive & generous herself - always taking us for dinner, buying things for baby, but am getting a little tearful and stressed at the prospect of a house guest every 3 weeks...

Appreciate this is not the most taxing problem in the world but due to hormones etc the idea is making me feel anxious and upset, and a generally pretty irritated that I haven't been asked - its just been assumed.

Outsiders' perspectives would be most welcome - thanks!

I know I wouldn't have been able to have anyone stay after I had baby - either emotionally or physically. You really need a bit of space so it will be just the three of you for a while - yourself, your other half and baby. I'm sure if you get your DH to have a quiet word with her to explain that it will only be temporary and she will be more than welcome to stay when things return to normal she'd be fine with it. She sounds normal and easy going.

Good luck with your babba

I would be tempted to tactfully suggest to SIL that she may not want to stay in your flat once you have the baby.

Baby's are not conducive(SP?) to a good nights sleep and so she may feel that it is better for her to stay somewhere where she is less disturbed. Alternatively you may want her to stay for 1 night per visit to give you and your DP a break - a nice auntie around to take your LO for a push out in the pram will give you a very much needed break.

Best of luck !

If she's that easy going then just say that to her that you've really enjoyed having her to stay and that you are sad to say that with the arrival of the baby your not going to be able to do it any more - I'm sure she won't be offended - and when the baby arrives I'm sure she the reality of being woken up at all hours through the night won't be the most attractive option.

I think that if you make the bedroom that she uses into a nursery for the baby, so her only option is to sleep on the sofa, then she may well come to the conclusion on her own that a hotel would be a better bet. Especially when the baby cries in the middle of the night and you are wandering around the house getting a cuppa in the middle of the night and changing nappies. She will have to go to work and this will not be a restful environment for her.

Tbh, if you like her and she is kind and supportive, then I think you will have to put up with it, esp if it is only one or two nights. I think you have to be as supportive of her (and as kind/generous) as she is to you. If she was moving in for a week at a time, then you would be overcrowded and it would be too much for you.

If her employer expects her to travel to the UK for work they should be paying for her to stay in a hotel. And it is a bit inconsiderate of her to assume she can continue to come to stay on a regular basis, even if you were not about to have a baby.

I think you or your dh need to explain that you won't have a spare bedroom anymore - even if the baby sleeps in your room there will be all the baby equipment to accomodate & while the baby is waking at night your dh may sometimes want to sleep in the spare room if he has a busy day at work coming up. And you can't have someone sleeping on the sofa while you are getting up during the night either...

I think it's quite cheeky of her to just assume she can stay so regularly - baby or no baby

If she doesn't get the hints and still turns up once the baby comes, make use of her. Keep asking her to pop to the shop for wet wipes/make dinner/sterilise something/put on a load of washing/hold crying baby so you can have a shower. That way, she'll either be a genuine help, or she'll decide to stay in a hotel.
But I bet she decides to stay away once the baby comes anyway.

I would be honest with her - say although you have enjoyed having her to stay, it will be too difficult with the baby.
I think she'll get a bit of a rude awakening when the baby comes if she does stay!

Be honest

Having a houseguest in the scenario you describe wil ruin all your relationships with each other

What does your husband say ? Or is he being weak and staying out of it for an easy life ?

Having no close-by family whatsoever, I'd be happy to put up with the inconvenience of a guest, just so that my children would have regular contact with an aunt/uncle. It may seem daunting now, but why not see how it goes? She might be very helpful and in time become a very special auntie for your little one.

Why dont you put the cot in the spare room, make up the spare bed for her and say 'oo thank you that will be lovely - you will be a massive help with the night feeds'

a couple of nights of broken sleep and she will be off to the hotel in a flash!

on a serious note i got all anxious for you reading your OP as i remember all too well how tired and stressed you are at that time. i agree that a quiet word in her ear is in order.

good luck

Thank you all for your thoughts - always good to get a consensus, especially when so emotional (NOW I know the real meaning of hormonal - wow!). And I do ultimately agree with the consensus too even now I'm calmer (although humanoctopus you have a point about valuing family - its our first baby so am trying to be aware that i may actually be very thankful having supportive family members around).

Have spoken to DH and he was really supportive actually and said he'd speak to her and assured me she'd be fine with it. And as many of you have pointed out - he also couldn't believe she'd want to be holed up with a newborn!

So in short feeling much better -thank you for all your advice!!

Definitely agree - explain to her nicely that you like having her to stay and seeing more of her, but it's just not going to work with a new baby. If she were familiar with new baby households, she'd never have suggested it.

aww, good outcome x

You'll definitely have stuff in the nursery even when your newborn is in your room so the sofa seems the only sleeping option for her. In fact, I took DD into the nursery at night to feed so I didn't disturb DH as I needed the light on (and a convoluted arrangement of pillows) to BF. And if we were in a flat, I'd probably switch on the TV and feed DD in the lounge (it took ages when DD was tiny!).

However, it might be nice to have her over for dinner once things settle down (just be sure to say how often DD wakes in the night screaming so she stays at the hotel ). I expect she might like your company in the evenings rather than being on her own in a hotel room.

Oops... you might not be having a DD! That should have been how often DC wakes in the night

At very least, tell her that she won't be able to stay for a couple of months after the baby arrives (welcome to visit while she's over, but not to stay with you). Tell her you can all review how it's going once the baby has actually arrived and you've started to settle into new routines.

Late to the thread, but....

My brother came over when DD was 4 months old. Meant to stay with us for 2 weeks, landed up staying 3 months...
Actually it was great. My brother and I get on very well and he is a fabulous uncle. He got to know DD1 very well and was really good company for me at a point when I still wasn't going out very much. I could get a hot shower while someone else watched her

BUT....

ABSOLUTELY no way I would have liked that when DD1 was first born. There was no one here but us when she was born (family all live overseas) and I really needed that time to get used to having a baby and working her out for myself.

If you are on good terms with your SIL, as it sounds you are, then you/your DH should be up front now and let her know what you think you'll need. She'll prob take it just fine. If you're happy to have her stay once the dust settles let her know that, but don't worry about setting some boundaries for now.

BTW, I did manage to get my (younger, single) brother to baby sit, including nursery pick up, bath time and bed time once DD1 was older AND regard that as a treat! so worth keeping the family sweet!!!!