not to lie to stop a tantrum?

[mumbar]

Well I'm willing to accept I'm wrong here.

Been out with friend my dc 6.1 and her 2 dc's today. They knew we had to be back by 5pm as going to mum and dads for farewell party for my little brother - he's going abroad to work until xmas.

At lunch DS says 'mummy, I won't eat too much as I want room for chinese later'. I tell him it's ok as he'll be hungrey then anyway as eating late. Friends dc asks where he's going and he tells her to a party at nannies as uncle is going away. Her DC asks if she can come and I explain it's just our family and next time I have one at mine she can come to my house. The DC begins to get a strop on about how unfair it is. She is 6.10 btw. Her mum says 'well its not really a party'. DS then says it is as uncle is going away and he's saying goodbye. He is struggling with the idea as his dad isn't in his life so his uncle is important to him. The girl continues to strop and 'fake cry' so her mum keeps saying its not a party. The DC then asked me why I said its a party when its not. I explained its a goodbye party for my brother and it's ok as she had been to friend birthday party the week before and DS wasn't there and he hadn't been to her uncles wedding and sometimes people do things that others don't and although it can make you feel sad it's just that way sometimes.

Well, she continued with the its not fair and her mum again said its not a party so I distracted DS to stop him being upset further.

AIBU to think that its not fair to make a child think their 'party' isn't a party just to stop a nearly 7 yo being jeleous??

BTW me and friend weren't arguing we are very close friends - just wondering if I'm too blunt??

Thankyou and be nice

Kids don't get to go to every party. That's life. Tough shit. good lesson for the child.

"It's a family party. Only family members are going."

I don't think YABU

I'm a firm believer in not lying to kids, they need to learn (even from an early age) although I do sometimes worry that it's mean to other kids if they're throwing a tantrum cos they're not allowed another biscuit or something, and instead of saying there aren't any more (an old favourite of many mums) I say, there are some more biscuits, but you're not allowed any.

YANBU. It was a family party and only family members were going. Your friend should have just told her DD that.

Jeez a nearly 7 year old did that? That's a bit rubbish

YANBU.

Friend should have just repeated it was family only.

And told their child to stop fussing.

ignore the stroopy child no explination is ever going to stop this attention seeking behaviour and thats all it is ignore her and it will stop...why would the mother want to cause such a sceen did she not feel embarassed to be indulging her daughter?

thank goodness for that. I felt a bit mean as child was making more fuss than DS but he's not outwardly stroppy (well he has learnt to compose it in public - at home....).

It was just a family a party as and I didn't want to let him think otherwise after the previous tears at him not seeing his beloved uncle for 2 months.

If it was the otherway round I would have given DS the same explanation - altho tbh he wouldn't make a fuss as he knows we don't all get everything.

esti - they are often indulged to stop embarrassing situations - thats fine my friends choice - think this time as it was affecting my DS (and I am worried about how hard he'll find this) I felt the need to step in. Just in hindsight wondered whether I had been wrong and harsh to do so. I guess it's mothers instinct to protect their own childs feelings.

No yanbu.

A seven year old should surely be able to understand and accept this concept? If not, she needs to be allowed to learn to accept it without pandering to her stroppy behaviour.

So your resposne was the right one.

i dont think you where wrong in the slightest and im sure your friend will have understood your perspective also. x

I never lie to stop ds's tantrums as I worry about him losing his trust in me. Sometimes wish I could as I'm sure it would make life easier.

I don't think my friend does understand my perspective but we are best friends and have always agreed that falling out over the dcs or our values in raising them would be idiotic

Believe it or not we have never been in the situation where it was her child upset or mine. Doubt it will the last either

When they fall out over toys we say you have 1 minute to compromise or it gets taken away - we'll suggest 5 minutes each and they will agree whos first or bye bye toy

Just another thought - maybe your friend was meaning it's not a party as in not a children's birthday party?

I suppose if they have been brought up in close proximity there will be a bit of brother/sister rivalry between them. So 'why should he get when I don't' kind of thing.

However, I still think she needs to learn an appropriate response to this and lying to placate her isn't the way to go.

Good points, I had said tho adults not children but dc knew DS was going so saw through that one! The DC's are the best of friends play really well together, I guess it's just different upbringings. Normally the 2 dcs will get what they want to stop meltdowns and all is well it's just the first time it has meant affecting DS if they get given the answer that will stop the jeleousy/ tantrum.

Yes I agree that they have to learn I was concerned I'd overstepped the mark being the one to teach it instead of just backing down and agreeing to prevent a public tantrum.

YANBU Sometimes the right answer is 'because I said so'.... end of conversation. There's a popular myth that adults always need to explain and rationalise everything to children to keep them placated - that way lies spoilt bratdom.

I'd have gone along with Weta, just explained that it was a party but not a birthday party. I must say I'm surprised that a nearly 7 yo would behave like that.

I also agree with Chil, no need to explain everything

I agree with Chil. "Because I said so," is fine IMO. I'm the parent and this is the way I want things, end of. :)

Thankyou, I agree and I'm the same with DS and have siad before 'because I said no, end of'

It was just this time it was someone elses child and she chose to deal with it a different way but unwilling to upset DS further about his uncle going away I chose to take the honesty tact and contradict the mum when she told her dc it wasn't a party by telling the dc it was, family only, often times when people go to parties and not everyone can go.

Its a fine line between parenting someone elses child (which I don't intend to do) and being honest and kind but still upsetting the child iyswim.

YANBU she sounds like a brat

Oh no Runaway she's not, she is lovely and ever so funny. I think tho that the 'brattish' behaviour (which I guess all DC's have at times but is dealt with) comes from never having learnt that life is sometimes not fair. It's quite sad really as I think the older you are when you learn it the harder the lesson is.

Ah.. that word 'fair' again. :) Sometimes life's not fair - true - but sometimes life being fair means you lose out anyway. Now that's an even tougher lesson.

Whether it's a bloody party or not is not even remotely the point! Your friend may well be lovely but she should have told her daughter in no uncertain terms the first time she kicked off 'No, we are not going, we're not invited'. Unbelievable.

YANBU

Thankyou again for all the replies. I was really expecting to be told I WBU as I felt guilty about upsetting the girl. But on reflection tbh she does seem to have a habit of making people feel bad about telling her no or that shes being unfair. Its usually a case of 'she that shouts loudest or makes more fuss'. Think I need to make a sound resolution to stand up for DS more despite his passiveness and hope that it doesn't affect my friendship as she truly is a great friend.