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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be very very very angry!

20 replies

esmeroo · 09/10/2010 17:40

Hi

Please can someone knock some sense in to me. I really need to calm down before I explode. I'll try not to rant for too long!

DD's 2 best friends (known each other 6 years)started to leave her out quite a lot some months ago. They had sleep overs etc but stopped including my daughter. DD was very upset. I spoke to one of the mom's who I consider to be my one of my best friends. She said leave them to it, we shouldnt get involved, they should be able to choose who they play with etc. She said that the 2 other girls had gotten close as they had more in common with each other.

Anyway DD went back to school,she made new friends. Ex best friends then started to moan to their mom's that my DD was ignoring them and that she would not play with them. Well why should she, they left her out, why should DD now give up her new friends?

DD having party, invited 4 girls but not ex-best friends. I told my friend (other girl's mom). My intention was to get DD to invite the 2 girls after we had a chat as she was adamant when sending invites she would not invite the 2 girls. We had long chat, she agreed.

In meantime my best friend texts me being very abusive, Im an insentive mother, how can I let DD leave 2 girls out etc. wouldnt answer my texts, phone calls, her front door. She said the daughter had invited many girls,most her DD's close friends. Not true, 2 are DD's closed new friends, other 3 are their mutual friends.

I was very upset but now turned to anger. It took DD months to get over what friends had done. She is very sensitive made worse by major family probs.

Im really pissed off, this is just something else on top of everything else going on in our lifes. Other moms said leave them to it, so basically as long as their DD's were not being hurt! Seems to me that they're also not happy that DD has moved on, what did they want, my DD to follow the 2 girls around like a lost puppy begging for attention?

How do I move on from this? I'm now so angry with myself for basically grovelling to my friend by text?

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 09/10/2010 17:46

Your DD had rationalised it, coped and moved on and you made her invite the two other girls?
You have confused the issue of your adult friendships and those of the girls, and complicated the situation.
You should have stayed out of it and supported your daughter with new friends and new interests. Why not try that after the party is over?

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 09/10/2010 17:47

Everything Goblinchild said.

Though I completely understand getting involved if you felt that this woman was one of your best friends. Unfortunately, it's complicated matters somewhat....

HecateQueenOfWitches · 09/10/2010 17:50

I know it wouldn't solve anything, but I'd probably text the other mother, saying - in these words -

you bloody hypocrite. When MY daughter was being left out you said leave them to it. It was no big deal. Now YOUR daughter is on the receiving end, suddenly it's a big problem. As ye sow...

Which I know is not a sensible, reasonable, grown up response, but the unfairness of it would eat at me until I made my feelings clear. If you are, like me, a person who finds it hard to just shrug and let unfairness pass, then maybe that would work for you.

If, otoh, you are one of these fantastic people like most of mumsnet seem to be Envy then chalk it up to experience and move on.

Original poster
esmeroo · 09/10/2010 17:51

Hi Goblinchild

Yes I agree with you, husband said that if she didnt want to invite them leave it be.

I just didnt want my friend being upset, husband always telling me I'm too soft and people end up walking all over me.

Anyhow my friend is upset despite her continually saying leave them to it but obviously as long as her DD doesnt get hurt!

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 09/10/2010 17:55

I understand if you are a soft fluffy person who wants everyone to be lovely and nice friends, but sometimes by being a doormat you cause more harm than good. Now you, your friend and your daughter are upset.

"If, otoh, you are one of these fantastic people like most of mumsnet seem to be..."

No, I'm just a woman with unconfused priorites. Children first. :P

phipps · 09/10/2010 17:55

What Hecate said.

YANBU at all.

But next time back up your dd and let her do what she wants and neither of you be bullied.

Original poster
esmeroo · 09/10/2010 17:55

HecateQueenofwitches

Yes I would like to say what you suggested to friend! It will keep eating at me. I've spent so much time and effort trying not to let anyone's feelings get hurt to basically get a kick in the teeth.

OP posts:
BabyDubsEverywhere · 09/10/2010 17:56

Im with Hectate, id text. However i would also be concerned about a back lash from these two girls.

Oh Yanbu to be angry i would be livid!

activate · 09/10/2010 17:56

text her

"I cannot believe you call me insensitive when your child was leaving mine out and she was crying herself to sleep you told me to leave them to it and they should be able to choose who they play with. Thankfully she moved on from the hurt and made new friends who don't treat her badly. How can you expect one rule for your child and another for other peoples. You need to grow up lady"

Chil1234 · 09/10/2010 17:57

If your friend is upset it's because she's chosen to be that way. It's not your responsibility any more than it was hers for her daughter leaving yours out earlier. She even gave you sound advice to step back... but seems not to apply it to herself :) I think it's a very slippery slope to continuously try to 'channel' your children's feelings, friendships, likes and dislikes and make them your own. We all know that children can be best mates on minute and sworn enemies the next & if you get too involved you can look pretty foolish.

onimolap · 09/10/2010 17:58

Hecate is right, but you can put the message in a more civilised way: you remind her that you spoke to her before when your DD was feeling left out, and the upshot was that the girls should be left to sort it out themselves. That is what has happened, and hence the different friendship groups. You will ensure that even though they are no longer close friends, your daughter will be pleasant to them; but you respect her choices in how she sorted it out for herself.

Remember - they might all be best friends again in 6 months, so do not let your anger show!

If the mother is a true friend, there's a strong possibility you will end up commiserating with each other about how difficult it can all be.

activate · 09/10/2010 17:58

Actually I would make sure that as many other mothers in the playground as possible know what she's done (the other mother). The best way to do this is to confide in 1 or 2 people and ask their advice on what to do now. So get on the phone to other people and ask their advice

kittywise · 09/10/2010 18:00

If this woman is your best friend then you need to get a new one too, just like you DD had to. Why on earth would you consider a woman like her a best friend?
She is not your friend, whatever she likes to say.

SauvignonBlanche · 09/10/2010 18:04

Tell 'friend' that you're following her advice and leaving them to it.

cupofteaplease · 09/10/2010 18:15

Oh God, I have just gone through this with a now ex friend!

After years of them being best friends, she decided she wanted to keep our girls apart. My dd and I were both hurt, but went along with it. dd has just moved schools and has started to make new friends. 'Friend' is now treating me like the devil incarnate because dd has friends other than her dd! Hmm

You haven't done anything wrong, don't worry. I understand your anger though!!

esti1 · 09/10/2010 18:15

I would say no more on the matter to any of them. I have a hard and fast rule never get involved with childrens feuds unless it amounts to bullying...if it does never address it with other mothers simply go straight to the school to voice your conserns.

your friend will get over this if not then apply the very grown up and sensible logic your DD has displayed and move on with your lives without undeserving firends.

Original poster
esmeroo · 09/10/2010 18:35

Thank you all so much for your advice. It's good to speak to other moms about it.

OP posts:
hairytriangle · 09/10/2010 19:28

Good grief! I'd just ignore the texts
and put it down to her being a precious parent. It's of no consequence as your daughter has moved on

throckenholt · 09/10/2010 19:32

I would text back saying - not easy I know - but we agreed to leave it up to the kids and at the moment she doesn't want to invite them.

We can't choose friends for our kids - they evolve them themselves - we have to be adult about it :)

catinthehat2 · 09/10/2010 19:45

Text :

" Oh don't worry about it, they'll all be best friends in 6 months won't they. Grin"

Accurate, deeply offensive, puts Ex BFF in her place. Very pleasurable if you like winding up people for days on end.

Or you could just ignore the whole thing, avoid ex BFF and go back to behaving normally (but not doormatically) like your daughter.

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