to wish my mother would help me?

[girlbythesea]

My mother hated being a mother, told me all my life that 'kids destroy your life' etc. We don't get on. Now that I have a child she started bombarding me with her wish to see her, calls it 'access'. I have done my best with visits etc as I do want my daughter to have a grandma, but my mother is both horrible to me and will also not lift a finger to help. I never longed for a mother more than when I had a child. I sudenly realised how little mothering I had had. My mother sees her relationship with my daughter more like the Queen receiving visits it seems to me. My daughter's undivided attention, and our whole day devoted to Grandma - otherwise she gets furious. She's not interested in my daughter's wider life, any problems I might be having, has never babysat, never even visited me in hospital. I've pretty much given up on it, I can't endure her mean-ness even for my daughter to be able to say she's got a grandma. Am I unreasonable?

Can't you drop your daughter off at her house and then go out and get stuff done? If she wants her undivided attention then isn't it better if you're not there?

I sympathise my MIL, is a tiny bit like this, wants to see DC's but doesn't help. i could get resentful but tell myself 'why should she help' she's had her kids. and done it badly.
The way I see it is you are setting an example to your DD of the way you would like to be treated when you are a grandma. if you cut her out you are saying it is OK to cut grandmas out of family life. And hopefully you will be a better grandma when it is your turn.

Maybe you should visit with no expectations and keep it short and leave before it gets to you and you can get some enjoyment out of it.
It is difficult when it seems that everyone else has family who can help out at short notice but you don't.

YABU to expect help.

And I agree-limit the time so that if it´s not that good you know how long you need to put up with it.

However, if your daughter doesn´t get anything from it, don´t bother.

No Grandmother is better than a crap one imo.

how sad for you. i can see your quandry but i do agee with what both Diddl and WDYLSI say.

have no expectations (certainly don't expect help as she clearly won't give it) but leave before you get to the point of being wound up, upset or stressed out (why should you devote the whole day to Gradma?)

As Diddl said no grandmother is better than a crap one. I think fewer visits with your mother would be a good thing for you too.

Its all very well showing your daughter how you would like to be treated as a grandmother, but also good to show her you won't be treated as rubbish either - not suggesting your mum is but you do say she is "horrible" to you - what does that mean exactly?

Sadly I think your mum has proved to you what kind of person she is, so it's a bit U to expect help from her now if she's never given it before.

WRT visiting though, do you trust your mum to look after your DD for a few hours without you there?

This was only way I could get on with my MIL after I had DD1, I couldn't bear to see her simpering all over my baby in front of me, I found it easier to leave DD there and have some time alone with hubby (obv I trusted MIL wouldn't harm DD, just coo and sing and simper at her all bloody day long!) If not I'd only pop in for brief visits.

I'm sorry that you have such a poor relationship with your mum, it must be even harder now you're a mum yourself.

Don't cut her out unless you have absolutely have to. I agree with WDYL and show your daughter your generous attitude, and hopefully she'll expect you to be a loving GM yourself one day.

She'll work out v. quickly that you and your mum are not close. But they need opportunity to build a relationship. If she's a poor grandmother, your daughter will be reluctant to see her anyway and tell you what she thinks.