I know I am BU but honestly....
Normal procedure for contacting my Mother on her Mobile
- I dial. Phone is switched off (usually because it's on charge which it seems to be doing almost permanently because mobiles are 'for emergencies aren't they')
- I dial again. It rings
- it rings some more and goes to voicemail
- I leave message that will never be picked up because 'it's so fiddly'
- I ring again. Mother may or may not hear it
- I ring again. Mother scrabbles about in her handbag because the lady at the M&S checkout has told her the phone is ringing
- Mother picks up and then immediately disconnects me 'Well I did push the right button but this phone has a mind of it's own'
- I ring again. It's engaged
- I ring again. Mother picks up "hello?"
10. I say "Mum it's me"
11. She says "Oh I can't talk to you now, I'm out shopping and you know I hate talking on these things"
12. I jump off nearest bridge
Normal procedure for my mother using her computer
- Eating supper. Home phone rings. Caller display shows mum and dads home phone number
- I pick up "Hello?"
- Mother (sounding irritated)responds "I've got one of those blue boxes that says "error with 3509568.exe file"
- "Hello? Who is this please?"
5 Mother "Oh don't be so facetious. This bloody computer is not working again"
- "oh would that be the one DH and I bought you for Christmas?"
- Mother. "Well if it's all about who spent what...."
- Me (realising the futility of my irritation and not pointing out that this is her 3rd computer and she's been 'using' them for a good 10 years now) "what are you trying to do?"
- Mother "I'm writing"
10. Me "ok... what programme are you in"
11. Mother "oh there's no point asking me those sorts of questions"
12. Me "what are you trying to write?"
13. Mother "to Sandra"
14. Me "an email?"
15. Mother "no on the internet"
16. What do you mean "on the internet"
17. Mother "the blue e"
18. Me. "Hang on a sec, DD has dropped a knife"
19. Mother (aside to my dad). "DD has dropped a knife"
20. Dad in distance "who are you on the phone to?"
21. Mother "well who do you think I'm on the phone to? I just told you DD dropped a knife didn't I?"
22. Me "hello?"
23. Dad in distance "well that didn't necessarily mean you were on the phone to SlightlyJaded did it"
24. Me "hello? hello?"
25. Mother (aside to Dad). OOh look at that cat on the telly. How have they got it to do that.
26. Me (under my breath lowering the receiver) "it's done in post fucking production isn't it. Cats can't really play the trumpet you know".
Five hours later, three emails arrives from mother. They are all empty.