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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to add my surname?

17 replies

Gelflyng · 07/10/2010 19:54

DS has his father's surname. DS result of one night stand with a friend, had to beg to get him on the birth certificate let alone use his surname. My surname was the same as my abusive father's and I wanted DS to have a link with his bio father since he wasn't sure if he wanted to be involved in DS's life. I was 20, would make different decisions now.

DS1's father is around and involved. I met DH when DS was very small, we have DD1 and DD2. DS calls DH daddy, knows his father is his bio father (calls him by his first name), but DH is the father he has always known. I changed my surname to my mother's maiden name when I was 22 and DDs had that as their surname at birth. At the time I asked DS's father about changing DS's surname to my new surname, he said maybe, I didn't do anything about it as DH and I got engaged.

Last year DH and I got married. We have now changed DDs surnames (and I have changed mine). We want to change DS's surname to be double-barrelled, his bio father's surname and then ours, but his bio father is refusing permission (we need his permission to do it).

He can't really offer any explanation which makes sense to me: he says DS can change his name when he is 'old enough to make the decision' (DS is 9 and very clear he wants the same surname as his sisters and parents, especially now DD1 is starting at the same school). He says his parents will be upset.

AIBU to want DS to have my surname as well as his bio father's?

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 07/10/2010 20:09

YANBU. But you can't force the issue. Any chance you can just crank up the persuasion and stress that your son wants to change his name?

loubielou31 · 07/10/2010 20:11

I don't know the rules about deed poll name changes. Is it changing names at all or just surnames that requires both parents permission?

You could add your new surname as an unnofficial middle name?

I don't think YABU to want your names to be the same, but I don't think DS's father is U either. I suspect that he doesn't want the name changing to another mans' surname and that I feel is a totally reasonable opinion.

emmyloulou · 07/10/2010 20:14

Well it's only one side of the story here....

But YABU, he is his father at the end of the day, so why would he want your DH's name in there. He has suggested the most sensible thing to let him decide when he is older.

1973magpie · 07/10/2010 20:14

YANBU I have exactly the same situation re namechanging with my ex (DD1s 'Dad') and our DD, she is 10 and really wants to change her name to the same as me, DH, DD2 and DS1, but he says 'No'. It sucks but I don't think it is possible to do by deed poll until they are 16

Notyetamummy · 07/10/2010 20:23

My Dh's mum 'changed' his surname when DH was 4yo on everything apart from his passport.

DH changed his name officially by deed poll when he was 18.

You need the bio father's approval for an 'official' name change but you can use his 'unofficial' name for most things.

DH used his 'unofficial' name for school, doctors etc.

Perhaps this would be an option for you and your DS?

Original poster

Gelflyng · 07/10/2010 20:26

notyetamummy, we tried that at school - DS's decision when DD started at the nursery. He told his teachers he was DS oldname-newname now, they said fine, we got a couple of letters home like that - then DS's father rang the school effing and blinding and they said as he has PR (along with DH and me), they had to go back to calling DS the one surname only.

It really upset DS at the time and he's said he doesn't want to bring it up with his bio father again in case he gets shouted at :(

The GPs surgery said I can change it though.

OP posts:

cadbilly · 07/10/2010 20:26

My children have only my name on birth cert but in school, they have a double barrelled name (cocks)is added because it's its their mothers name. I thought they would get teased

You could name him what you like in school, they seem very understanding but I don't know what will be written on their exam results qualifications

Notyetamummy · 07/10/2010 20:37

Oh dear Gelflyng, that obviously didn't work out well for you.

DH's dad wasn't in the picture at the time so that wasn't a problem for them.

I don't see why your DS's dad would have a problem with an unofficial name change if you DS wants it. Is he a reasonable man that you can talk to properly about it?

Maybe he would agree to an unofficial name change while your DS is young and then your DS can decide if he wants to make it official when he's older.

Would he listen to you if you told him about how it can be negative for your son to have a different name to his mum and siblings? It would only be unofficial for now.

Notyetamummy · 07/10/2010 20:39

Oh and cadbilly DH had his unofficial name on his exam results.

I don't think that the school knew that it was unofficial.

Even DH's national insurance card came to his unofficial name.

Literally EVERYTHING other than his passport had his unofficial name.

taintedpaint · 07/10/2010 20:40

Hmmm. I think you were wrong to do it at the school without consulting with his dad. That said, YANBU to want to change it, but neither is your DS's dad. I also think you might've given your DS the wrong perspective here as well, since you always knew it was up to both of you to decide on the name, your DS should probably not have been told he could change it. I don't think you have an ill intent here, don't get me wrong, but I think you have been sweetly misguided about how you've gone about this.

If it's very important to you and your DS, talk it over with his dad in a calm and structured manner. But I wouldn't be surprised if you've got his back up by not consulting him with the school issue.

Sorry, probably not what you wanted to hear. :(

marriednotdead · 07/10/2010 20:44

It will only be a major problem if you allow it to be IMO.

I fully understand why you want to do it, but if your ex feels the way he does, that won't change by you pressuring him. If anything, he will dig his heels in further.

Neither of my DC's changed name when I married. It doesn't mean we are any less of a family, nor that they are loved any differently. Your DS needs this reassurance more than your DH's name.

loubielou31 · 07/10/2010 21:13

I can very much see why your DS's dad would have a problem with his son taking another mans name. It's not logical and you won't be able to argue your way out of it. It's just a very strong reaction.

Put yourself in his place. Your son lives with another man most of the time, another man gets to make important decisions about your sons life. You don't have any say in this. Another man wants your son to take his name. You do have a say in this, he is your son and you don't want him to have another mans name.

mildsteeljoyce · 07/10/2010 21:23

My DD never used the surname on her birth certificate - she uses her 'dad's' surname. It's even on her passport. All I had to do was write a letter to the passport office telling them she was always known by that name.

A solicitor told us that as long as she isn't using the name for any fraudulent purpose, it's legally ok.

That's in Scotland, don't know about anywhere else.

Original poster

Gelflyng · 07/10/2010 21:39

I do get I can't do anything really.

But if DS's father cared so much about DS's surname including another man's name, you'd think he'd've cared about another man changing the nappies, taking him to school, teaching him to ride a bike, going to his parents evenings... you know?

OP posts:

miffymuffy · 07/10/2010 22:40

DS only needs to be about eleven to be deemed responsible enough to make his own choice( strangely enough only today my DS 10 has taken this decision) fortunately I have sole PR so not a problem- my older children assure me they would have been responsible enough at that age to do the same if necessary so maybe defer awhile - then if DS still sure he wants to go ahead just do it-
ex is entitled to challenge but DS will be listened to if that happens

zipzap · 07/10/2010 22:45

Might he be more amenable to your ds having your surname and his surname double barrelled but having his surname last?

I suspect he might be thinking that if his surname is first in a double barrelled name that your ds might find it easiest to drop it... for whatever reason he is attached to having ds have his surname (maybe some sort of status symbol - even if he doesn't do anything else dad-ish particularly, it is a way of showing his claim over ds IYSWIM)

Whereas if yours is first he might go for it as his surname will still be the last in the list of names whilst your ds will want to use your surname and will use both - at least it will be in there.

Also - if the bio father is claiming that his parents will be upset then how good a relationship does your ds have with his grandparents? (ie those from bio father) Could he talk to them and say he is really upset that he is not part of his family because of the name thing, laying it on really thick to them - maybe they will say they think it is nice for him to have both names (think you need to emphasise at this point at least that you want both, not like you are getting rid of one currently) and then have it out with bio father and get him to admit that his parents were just an excuse and he is not concerned with his ds's feelings when they differ from his - might be able to make him change?

huddspur · 07/10/2010 23:06

YABU, if it were your maiden name then I think you would have a case but your DS and DH are not blood related and so him having your DHs surname seems a little odd to me. If you and your DH split up then he would have the surname of a man who probably never sees.

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