to get annoyed at these friendly but ott texts?

[familyfun]

Im honestly not sure if iabu but i cant decide if this is someone being friendly and me being a cow or someone being ott and pushy.

dp and i made friends with a couple and went out socially 3/4 times a year, when dd was born they visited 3/4 times a year and shared our parenting ideas and we asked thm to be godparents.

they split up last year when dd was 2 and half and the lady was very upset but promised to still see dd which was obviously fine with us.

she then took to texting me all the time telling me how hard she was taking it and i was/am sympathetic and saw her more often, sometimes with dd and sometimes on evenings.

friend has continued to text more and more, sometimes just asking how we are, when can she visit etc. sometimes i dont reply as i have no credit or am busy and then i get texts asking why i havent replied, why am i being funny with her, why am i avoiding her. ive told her im not avoiding her, jst busy and sometimes no credit.

im 33 weeks pregnant, dd just started nursery and struggling to settle, having physio for pgp, trying to get house ready for baby, trying to get xmas shopping done and sorted so xmas not ruined for dd and soemtimes just need time as a fam
ily.

as she kept asking when we can meet up i arranged a date with her within a fortnight to meet up and thought that would sort it but no she keeps tesxting asking how we are etc.

i understand she is lonely,sad and wants to see us more, particularly dd but tbh the more she texts and demands same afternoon replies, the less i want to text back and the more i want to tell her to back off, i know that makes me a cow and im trying to be a good friend but i hate being pressurised and i hate being made to feel guilty for dealing wit family stuff.

tell me iabu arent i?

I think if you send back "Will check my diary later and get back to you on meeting up" that will satisfy her and she won't feel blanked. If she has the sense she's irritating you she will be insecure. It takes 30 secs to text back

Why don't you just phone her up on your landline and ask how she is. Tell her that you have been busy, lack of credit and don't mean to not reply. Suggest that she sees her GP for counselling or does different actitvities to take her mind of things.

YANBU as you have a life and are busy etc. From her point of view she is lonely/isolated etc but still that is not your problem. You can continue to be a friend, that is different from dancing to her tune ifswim. Don't be afraid to set boundaries. In time she may well get her life and confidence back and you will have supported her, as and when, and have been a friend "through thick and thin". It is easy to be repulsed by the needs of others and cast them off, but as they say, shit happens (to us all) at varying times of our lives.

Obviously she is being friendly and is sad and lonely. Thing is ... she also sounds terribly and unreasonably needy.

Now I'm not mean by nature and I do supportive in a big way (so much so that my best friends have dubbed me a "sticky plaster") but that sort of constant texting, with its paranoia and demands is not healthy. Sadly, its unlikely to go well whatever line you take with her. From personal experience, the more of your time and attention you give her, the more she will expect and seek.

I understand why other posts are suggesting you try to be more sympathetic, but having been in this situation, I can say that you shouldn't beat yourself up over this - I imagine her life is littered with people who found her too demanding.

i cant ring as she has no landline and i cant phone her mobile as its too expensive.

i want us to remain friends, still see each other as we always have, but if i say see you next monday i dont expect/want loads of texts in the meantime.

her texts are always questions, like what are you doing weekend, hows the decoratingg, so they want an answer and if i answer, another question comes, aaagh.

i will be sympathetic and i know she would be there for me if i needed her, but i have dd, dp and new baby to plan for, plus i want to relax a bit and sort house etc and cant meet her all the time as she would like.

she is also a bit ott over dd, saying she will look after her when dc2 comes along, i said no as i want dd involved and still go to nursery etc, she always wants to take her out alone, she wants to do outings, keeps hinting at sleepovers (dd has never slept anywhere but home), wants to spoil her rotten, all nice but again very pushy.

familfun when you meet up with her next, it seems like you may have to spell out the limitations you have on your time. Stress that you want the friendship to continue, but let her know that you have other responsibilities and demands on your time so cannot be available to text, chat and meet up with her as a single person without children could do.

Pushy and needy are a bad combination unfortunately ...

Could you take the bull by the horns and turn some question back? "I've been really worried about you, you seem terribly lonely, have you seen your doctor?" If you get "No, I'm fine?" follow with something like "But with so many texts sounding so depressed there must be something very wrong, are you sure?" and so on. It should certainly make her think about the volume and frequency and you can show some genuine concern too - if she really is depressed then you may be able to suggest she think about some proper help and suppport.

If she is texting you question after question, could you try replying by saying "Really sorry, v busy today, no time to chat, will tell all when we meet up next week"

Might that put her off a little bit?

i believe she has already seen a doctor and been prescribed something for depression so i know its serious.

i think i will have to tell her im too busy to text/chat all the time and just let her know when i can meet.

im really struggling to settle dd at nursery at the moment and need to concentrate on her particularly before the baby comes.

dp is worried about me, he thinks my mood swings have been extreme lately and everything is getting me down to the point where he has suggested i see a doctor and tell them how im feeling so tbh i cant cope with friend plus family loading me with their troubles and wanting my time constantly.

want to resolve this nicley as i feel if im pushed too much i will snap and ruin a friendship.

Poor you - she sounds desperately needy and high maintenance yet you are so nice and dont want to hurt her feelings and obviously feel she needs some support. I wonder - would making a solid once a month meeting date be of any use? If you say to her (baby notwithstanding) lets meet up for a drink at 6pm on the first Monday of every month then perhaps she will calm down, knowing that it is all fixed. It will give you some breathing space too if she stops pestering you. Any good?

familyfun it does sound like you are feeling the stress of your own life and her demands are pushing you close to the edge. I recognise that feeling so well. Could you tell her how you feel when you meet up? Not in a "see what your demands are doing to me" kinda way, but to explain that you are feeling terribly stressed and really need everyone's understanding. Explain that you just need to be able to focus on your own stuff at the moment and whilst you feel bad being unable to give her the support you believe she needs, you simply can't see any way round the situation. I agree that you want to avoid it coming to a head as that never goes well.

Good luck m'dear and do try not to let this add to your load.

Would it be worth asking your dh to call her next time you get a barrage of texts and explain that you are tired with pg and have your hands full with DD who really needs your undivided attention at the moment and that you need to take it easy.
It really needs sorting out before your new LO arrives or it could become a real nightmare.

Just text back "bit busy at the moment - will talk when I see you".

Hopefully that will get the message across that you're happy to talk to her, just not all the time!!

i am seeing her in a week and im going to give her time to talk to me but also tell her im really busy/stressed and need to concentrate on dd and preparing for baby.
i will be 35 weeks then so do not plan to make definite arrangements when to meet again as i will have to see how i feel.
i have no credit now so cant reply anyway.
i have a feeling she will want to be here helping when dc2 arrives but im a very private person, i hated having loads of visitors last time when i was trying to bf and this time plan to limit visitors and spend time as a family and definitley not hide upstairs when i bf so after birth announcements to family/friends we plan to disappear for a few weeks.
i have always tried to be a good friend and when other friends have gone through similar i have dropped everything to go round etc but as i say we only used to see each other rarely anyway and time has passed now.
hope it sorts itself.