To want to share this with you all on here?

[TheLadyEvenstar]

For a long time I posted on AIBU regarding DS1's behaviour. Well I would like to thank all those who continually told me there was more to it than him just being naughty. You ARE right.

ODD aside.

Yesterday for the first time in many many years I sat and listened to him and was shocked/saddened at the things he told me. I had been preparing him for an appointment we had yesterday afternoon.He and I spoke for an hour and a half prior to the appointment and he did most of the talking.

He explained to me that he doesn't want to be naughty or have tantrums and he doesn't like it. He also explained to me that as much as he begs me to do the various after school clubs he asks about he only wants to do them so he feels like everyone else and then gives up when he realises he doesn't, that he doesn't enjoy company of other people or being touched, hates social events because they make him nervous etc. The saddest thing he asked me is if anyone would be able to make him feel like everyone else, and be able to teach him to look at people in the eye without having to lower his head.

fast forward to the appointment, he basically repeated what he had told me and more to the Dr who at the end told me that he is 90% certain the reasons for the behaviour DS1 exhibits is he is Aspergers...something I had considered many years ago but then went on to blame everything else.

So while some have been harsh with me I really do appreciate what you were telling me now. I have taken my head out of the sand and am facing life head on.

So Thank you all

ooppss sorry for the long post and that is not all of what I found out!!

Blimey. You've taken your head out of your arse the sand???!!!

Actually, TLES, I'm moved by the relative humility of your post and your DS's desperation to be heard. I'm so glad you listened in the end. And, yes, I have often hoped you'd get around to connecting with reality at some point - I know you've been through hard times.

Thanks for your update. I appreciate it. I hope DS can finally find a way to be himself, without fear :)

That's good and sad at the same time, TLES.
Hope that the diagnosis means that his life can become easier, with more adjustments made as necessary.
Do you want to share what else you found out?

OP you have inspired me. I have also been burying my head in the sand about ds's (22 months), i suspect after a lot of researching he may be autistic. i am terrified that a doctor wil confirm my suspicions. Then how i go on do deal with it afterwards.

you post has made me realise that i should deal with it sooner rather than later so my son can get the best help possible as soon as possible.

Thank you!

Ok this is some of what I learnt from DS1.

He doesn't like to be touched by anyone.

He hates when there is more than one person talking as it all becomes a jumbled noise.

He knows he feels he is different to others but cannot say why.

He has always just pulled his shirts over his head even though it annoys me because he struggles with buttons.

He hates being in company of others and prefers to be alone.

He finds it very hard to go to sleep because he struggles with the feeling of a creasing sheet - I have tried flat and fitted sheets but he doesn't like the feel.

He can only understand ertain humour for example if he is watching something - steptoe and faulty towers are favs. His reasoning is he can see what is funny but when someone tells him a joke he looks for the logical explanation and therefore doesn't see the funny side of it.

He has to work hard within himself not to behave the same as he does at home when he is in school or at someones house. Then when he comes home he acts up because he feels he can release everything without anyone looking down on him and laughing.

Some things cause a reaction in him, although he doesn't understand why he knows he doesn't like the end result and because in school he feels he will be ridiculed he acts the clown instead.

Again there was more but they are the most important. the others were food related and such like.

I was basically putting behaviours down to different things.
Although at 2 and a bit younger I noticed differences between him and his peers, I put the various behaviours down to age, input from me etc.
Then at 3 i put it down to starting school
at 4 something else and so on.

Now I just put it down to DS1 being DS1 and yes he is different and I do have a lot to learn but together we will get there!!!

A lightbulb moment!

I know all about being an osterich. been ignoring signs for years and waiting for phases to pass. DD2 is now waiting for assessment.

Ferris, how old is DD?

DS1 is 12...so I have seriously been ignoring signs for a long long time.

TLE

I am so pleased for you and your son.
The combined guilt and frustration and sadness when we think our child is choosing to be 'awkward , or that we have created their issues through bad parenting, are over whelming.

He will feel so much better about life when you are his allie in learning how to interact with the world.

TBH I knew you would post this one day. But it is one of those things that we have to be brave about - and not being ready is not a failing.

Good luck to both of you

Ah, TLE - your post made me sad and happy at the same time. Your poor DS1 - how hard it must have been for him to say all that to you, and how hard for you to hear it with enlightenment. Don't be too hard on yourself for seeing this now, be comforted that you have opened a new door in understanding your DS1.

So glad you have found out so much that will help you build an even stronger relationship with DS1 - good luck.

Pag tbh for so long I simply focused on certain things which made me sound pretentious. an example is the fact I would focus on his reading ability and go on and on about the fact he was able to talk to adults on a level....not thinking it was a sign that something was..hmmm whats the word dislodged in comparison to his peers.

On another note I just as I am typing this had a call from the school, he has been excluded for fighting - which is so so unlike him. they explained the other child got right up in his face. Now while I don't agree with what he has done, I can NOW understand why he has but desperatly need to find other ways for him to express his fear/anger etc without lashing out. Which until now has been secluded to home only.

TLES

Dont really care how un-MN it is I'm going to give you a hug.

What an amazing breakthrough for both of you and how great that he was able to explain some of those things and to be able to trust you with the stuff he needed to say - it might have been a long time coming but maybe that was because it needed to be right for him - not because you were doing anything wrong.

I really hope you find good support now and that your journey onwards is more positive.

Thankyou Madas

TLES a couple of great books on ASD / Aspergers:

"Multicoloured Mayhem" by Jacqui Jackson (mother of three children on Autistic Spectrum, including Luke who has Aspergers)

"Freaks, Geeks and Aspergers Syndrome" by Luke Jackson (written by an early teenage Luke to explain what Aspergers is like "from the inside" as it were)

Hoping you and your son are able to keep talking to make the changes necessary for your son to feel more positive.

TLE

we all do that stuff to a certain extent. It doesn't matter how you think you sounded. You have been on here trying to understand and trying to help him. And your persistence has managed to get him and you some answers.

Don't look back now. Think what you know and how much this will help you both.

I am pleased for both of you.

Wow Tle. I really think you & ds have had a major breakthrough here . Its great that he has told you how he feels.

I guess these parent support group meetings are not all bad after all!!

And MN has been the greatest help of all!!

Oh well done lady Well done indeed.

Fingers crossed you can move on together now.

QoP, thankyou I will look into getting those books. Beccause if i am 1000% honest I am not sure exactly what aspergers is as everything I have read has become a jumbled mess.

Ah, good but sad too.

To focus on his reading isn't a bad thing, it just meant you were focusing on positives. Haven't read all threads but rememeber a few. Nice to have a good talk,eh?

QoP - thank you for posting the link to that book - I have passed it on to a friend of mine here who has a 15yo son with Asperger's - I hope she can get hold of it here and it helps.

TLE - So glad he's been able to tell you all that stuff, hope that you can both work out a good way to live with it all now. :)

TLE - DD is 12 too. She know's she is different but can't work out why. she's ok at school (apart from horrible refusal phases when she just won't go) but lashes out at home where she is 'safe'.

Maryz, all I have learnt from MN and these latest revelations from DS1 is that it is NOT my fault.

I widh I had not been so stubborn and had accepted what the ladies on here were telling me.

Well I have now and now I need to learn how to tackle things differently....no easy job!