to not feel the love?

[whethergirl]

I live with my dp and my pre school ds, and his pre teen dd comes to stay at wkds. DP has always made a huge amount of effort with ds and genuinely cares and loves him. However, I am sorry to say, I just don't feel the same about his dd. Nothing terrible about her at all, and I make the effort but just don't feel the love! She doesn't get on with ds very well which I put down to age difference. I just find her a bit irritating tbh, for eg. I can just about bear my own ds saying "Muuuum" every 2 mins unnecessarily but she does it too and it annoys the crap out of me. Just wish I could feel closer to her, esp as it seems so obvious that dp and ds are so close. Anyone else in a similar situation?

Not a similar situation, but could I suggest that you take her out, just the two of you, and do something nice? Hair, makeup or shopping maybe? Sounds like you need to get to know her in a different way from your DS.

No experience of this, but I'm sure your not alone in how you feel.

Chin up and soldier on. Hopefully you will get to appreciate one another as time passes.

They say that love is a verb, a doing word. By acting with kindness, you are giving love. Its not feelings that count, its the person you want to be. Your effort will repay itself many times over, in good time

xx

Does she make an effort to get on with you? If so, you really need to try and find some common ground with her so that you can "bond" more - because so many teens do not make an effort with their SPs, it would be such a pity to waste any effort on her part.

Even if she doesn't make an effort, you are the adult in the situation and she is a child who needs care from all her parents, step or otherwise. Do you actually talk to her at all or do you tend to leave her to her dad when she comes over? Like loopyloops suggests, it would be a good idea to try and make some "girl time" for the two of you - you never know, you might find you get on better away from the boys.

they are all different aren't they. some of my kids friends i could sit with all day, but i have a teen family member who i could happily slap with a wet kipper and never get tired.

its down to personality.

lol at "i have a teen family member who i could happily slap with a wet kipper and never get tired."

I think my mum probably thought that about me as well, custy.

Great point fluffy, about love being a verb, and do believe in the whole karma thing so hopefully my efforts will produce feelings in time.
I do make some effort, I joke with her, buy her little presents, talk to her, we both take the piss out of her dad together something chronic which she loves, but I don't actually have any real feelings for her, I don't miss her, look forward to her coming and actually wouldn't mind ever seeing her again - sorry, I know that sounds horrible but just being honest. You're right Custardo, kids are people too, and some you like, some you don't, just like adults.

Thumbwitch, the shame of it is she looks up to me so much, follows me around the house, trys to get my attention over my ds, and sort of shows off in front of me a bit - all of which I find annoying and uncomfortable. I think what hasn't helped either, is that my dp seems blissfully unaware and sometimes throws us together for a hug, or encourages his dd's awe for me, and keeps telling me how much she loves me etc. and all that pressure just puts me off even more! Sometimes for eg. I'll do something simple like stick up for her, and he'll go overboard, telling her to hug me, even got her to buy me flowers once because I was so "so nice" to her (I wasn't, I just told her to let me know anytime my ds played rough with her and she didn't like it and I'd put a stop to it).

I suppose we all spend time together because our time is precious, my time with my dp is precious and my time with my ds is precious so must admit I don't feel inclined to spend time away from them to be alone with her.

Someone pass me the wet kipper please.

Awww, whethergirl - I feel for you, I do. It sounds to me as though you just feel that she is intruding on your precious time with your DP and DS all together - and that you'd rather not have her there, not because of who she is, just because she isn't your family.

Trouble is though that, while you are with her father, she is. Family are "just people" too and I could happily never see some of mine again - but I am not in the position of loco parentis to them.

It also sounds as though you are doing a good job of making her feel included and part of the family, despite your inner feelings - but that you resent your DP pushing the closeness. I can relate to that too - one of the bigger mistakes my mum made was trying to force the relationship between me and my brother (one who I would happily not see again, it's entirely mutual) - it made it all so very uncomfortable and made me so resentful, whereas if she'd just left it alone, we might have got over it and be better acquainted now.

Ask your DP to back down on the overboardness. Tell him he's making it seem forced and false and that you'd rather let everyone be natural, rather than feel as though everyone has to be on their best behaviour all the time (which it might feel like, sounds a bit like it!)

One other thing - if she is so in awe of you and seeking your attention and approval - do you think that is perhaps because she doesn't get much attention and approval at home with her mum? Not wishing to denigrate a woman I know nothing of - but perhaps if there is a reason to feel sorry for her, and you have some sympathy with her, it might make things a bit more bearable when she follows you around.

Thanks for all that thumbwitch! You've made some really valid points.
My dp has made a few comparisions and said she seems more relaxed with me than with her own mum, but I'm not so sure about that.
He says that her mum can be quite critical but that they do muck about together but never sit and chat like we do - but I am holding no judgement on that, as a mother I know how complex parenting can be. Also he says that in the evenings they spend no time together and his dd complains that she just goes on facebook all the time. So maybe she does crave some attention - having said that, my dp gives her loads.
What you said about your brother reminds me of me and my sister - my dad was always going overboard about us being close sisters and actually he just made it worse.

Having said all that, this weekend was better than usual to be honest! I don't know if things have just progressed or that I've been more aware because of coming on here to talk about it. She wasn't as pushy or trying to impress me, she got on so much better with my ds, and my dp didn't push things so I naturally felt more inclined to making an effort with her. I make an effort anyway, but you know, making an effort to put my heart into it, rather than going through the motions!