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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think a year is a long time to wait

22 replies

Ladyanonymous · 03/10/2010 15:10

Before you "allow" Hmm your ex to introduce your kids to their new partner?

Reading in the news that Frank Lampards ex wouldn't allow him to intoduce Christine to the kids for a whole year which apparently has forced their relationship to stall.

Not that I really care about any of these people mentioned above but it got me thinking - what right do we as parents have to enforce these kinds of rules over our co-parents. This is more about how she feels than about the kids, and surely we have to trust our ex's or we should not let them have the children unsupervised?

This smacks to me of an ex trying to stop the new relationship from progressiong, not about "protecting" the kids.

I met my partners kids 6 mnths into our relationship, their mother was not too happy about it and I feel my very existance unsettles her greatly still - but when they stayed this weekend I felt for the first time like I really loved them and cared about them almost the same as I do for my own. Their mum tells my partner that they are more her kids than his Hmm. I'm unsure how she comes to that conclusion as they are people, not possessions IMO.

Both my ex's intoduced their new partners to my children without consulting me beforehand, never mind asking me what I felt was a good timecale!! I'm not saying I enjoyed it but I didn't feel that I actually had a say anymore?

AIBU to feel Elen Rives and others like her ABU and very slightly controlling?

OP posts:
Littlepurpleprincess · 03/10/2010 15:13

YABU. No-ones stopping him from having a relationship. He doesn't need to see her at the same time as his kids.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 03/10/2010 15:16

So therefore the father also has to right to pick and choose who his ex allows his children to associate with?

OP posts:
Littlepurpleprincess · 03/10/2010 15:21

yes. It should be agreed between the 2 parents when they split (when things have calmed and are amicable obv, not as they split)

I wish I didn't meet every person either of my parents dated after they divorced. It's scary and unsettling for a child.

mumof2children · 03/10/2010 15:31

i belive it best to wait to see if the relationship is going to last, so it seems sensible to me

Nancy66 · 03/10/2010 15:37

Seems reasonable to me - far too many parents introduce new partners to kids way too soon.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 03/10/2010 15:40

How does anyone know if their relationship is going to last though? I agree that children should not be introduced to every single person you go on a date with, but I think a year is unreasonably long.

OP posts:
Littlepurpleprincess · 03/10/2010 15:44

Why? It's not harming the relationship, is it?

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 03/10/2010 15:46

It can be really difficult sometimes to not involve your partner with your kids esp at weekends. Why should he have to anyway, just because she wants him to?

Does she have a right to dictate what he does with his own kids?

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muggglewump · 03/10/2010 15:47

Erm, DD met my now ex about an hour after I did!

TBF, he did come as a friend for the weekend, nothing more but things progressed quickly.

We were together casually (long distance) for 4 years and she doesn't seem scarred so far by not seeing him anymore.

He is the only guy she's met though that she's known I've been more than friends with. The few others have been well out of my bed by the times she's been upGrin

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 03/10/2010 15:47

In the instance of Frank Lampard, I don't think she is being unreasonable at all. He and Christine have a very public relationship and I can really understand her wanting to protect her children from getting involved in that incase it all comes apart at the seams.

Of course some of it is going to be to do with the ex-partner's feelings about each other. If I found that DH was having an affair and we split and then a month later he wanted DS to meet his new girlfriend I would do everything I could to prevent it. If we split up because of mutual agreement and he met someone else a year later and then wanted DS to meet her quite quickly then I would probably feel much more inclined to 'allow' that meeting.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 03/10/2010 15:49

Alibaba - I accept your point about the high profile relationship.

OP posts:
Littlepurpleprincess · 03/10/2010 15:51

Does she have a right to dictate what he does with his own kids?

No, they should be sitting down like ADULTS and deciding together. If they both have the child's interests at heart I honestly think they would both decide it's better to wait.

Vallhala · 03/10/2010 15:52

Who the fuck would lose Frank Lampard over differences as to when they should meet his children?

Silly moo.

That aside, YABU.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 03/10/2010 15:54

Don't panic Vallhala - I think they are still together as she has now been "allowed" to meet them (I wasn't reading a tabloid honest Hmm).

The same thought went through my head though Grin

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 03/10/2010 15:54

I think it is a minefield to be honest. It goes against every human instinct to have another adult developing a parental-style relationship with our children.

Does the parent who has most of the residency and therefore is most involved with the child(ren)'s day to day life have more say than the parent who has less contact?

anothermum92 · 03/10/2010 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 03/10/2010 15:57

Yes it does Alibaba and I hated it (both times) but if we make the desicion to no longer continue a realtionship we also have to be big enough to allow our ex to move on.

I think by default the resident parent has more say but when my OH's ex said they are "more her kids than his" it really pissed him off and hurt him.

OP posts:
Manda25 · 03/10/2010 15:58

My son was 3 when I split from his dad. I had plenty of boyfriends over the years but my son didn't meet any of them - no need to - they were my relationships ...not his!

8 yrs after I had split from his dad I met a guy and my son met him with in a month or so ....9 yrs later and we are still together.

Unfortunately my ex seemed unable to contain his relationships to the 6 nights a week he wasn't having his son!...

Vallhala · 03/10/2010 15:59

:o @ Ladyanonymous - glad to see that my taste in men is given the thumbs up.

For gawds sake... exceptionally good looking, great body, drives a blue Ferrari... I mean, would you really lose him over a silly tiff?!

PinkieMinx · 03/10/2010 16:00

A year is nothing in the scheme of a serious long-term relationship. personally I'd say 6 months but children should only meet 'serious' partners - why not wait? I can think of many reasons to wait but none not to.

RumourOfAHurricane · 03/10/2010 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 03/10/2010 16:13

I only see my partner on weekends as he is in the Navy so it would have been really hard to wait a long time for us and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him the day after I met him, and I have never felt like that before, so the kids met him after a couple of weeks, which wasn't ideal but luckily its worker out (so afr!!).

My kids have met several of my previous b/fs, but have only known that long term ones have stayed overnight. They were always extremely polite and waited until after whoever had left and would give me a very detailed critique and would then take the piss for the next few weeks.

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