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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to really no longer feel sorry for this person

12 replies

banana87 · 02/10/2010 22:50

There is this girl who is a friend of DH's (or rather the sister of a friend, but is quite regularly out when everyone else goes out). Anyway, I tried a few years ago to befriend her as we really seemed to get on when out at the pub with everyone. Every attempt to meet up, etc failed for a different reason, but always one of her excuses.

When I had DD she was dating one of DH's friends and TTC. She had just lost her dad to cancer and was taking it hard. They eventually broke up and she started dating another friend of DH's, a guy who I have never liked.

Anyway, they had a rocky relationship but were also TTC (I think she was desperate for a baby and it did not matter who it was with, tbh). When DD was 3 months old, I had a message sent to me on FB from her account telling me how lucky I had it and to stop complaining about how hard I was finding things. I immediately deleted her and her partner (he had also been making sarky comments on my FB).

About 6 months later I saw her at a BBQ and completely ignored her as I was still pissed off. She approached me about it later and I told her why. She said her partner had hacked her FB and she had never sent the message. I forgave her. They apparently had a huge fight because it wasn't the "first time" he had done something similar. She later (the next month or two) fell pregnant.

In April she had a baby boy and also split from her partner. He was totally unsupportive of her(she says) and refused to help at all with the baby. We went to a wedding in August and she was saying how hard she is finding things being a new mum with no friends and no partner. So I said we could hang out as I have 2 days off a week. Three times since then I have invited her over/asked to meet up and she all of those times she has cancelled last minute. I also invited her to DD's birthday party, she said yes, and then never showed.

I can honestly say I am starting to not feel very sorry for her anymore.

Do I keep trying or just give up? She always seems to want to be friends when we are out, and I genuinely feel very sorry for her in her current situation but how much more should I do? And what do I say to her next time we are out and she starts going on about having no friends/being lonely/why don't we hang out more?

Argh, so frustrating!

OP posts:

LittleMissHissyFit · 02/10/2010 22:53

just smile and say ahh there there poor you....

don't engage with her, she is her own worst enemy.

Why would you want to be friends with such a total car crash?

Seriously some people love to be miserable, she seems to be one of them.

never happy unless she has something to moan about!

celticlassie · 02/10/2010 22:56

Maybe she is finding it all a bit overwhelming and finds it hard to organise herslef enough to get out. If she complains about being lonely again you could ask her to text / phone you if she wants to meet for a coffee rather than you doing it. That way at least she's not letting you down constantly and she can maybe find a time when she'll not have to cancel.

fedupofnamechanging · 02/10/2010 23:05

I'd let the running come from her next time. You have tried lots of times, so I'd say it's up to her now.

Some people are just rubbish at sticking to arrangements though, so wouldn't take it too personally.

JaneS · 02/10/2010 23:12

It's difficult. But just going by your OP, she might feel shy of you, and shy about taking up your offer, because she's aware you didn't like her ex and don't approve of her very much? Also, if her partner was really unsupportive, her confidence might be a bit low.

It sounds as if the worse she's done is (possibly) to have sent you a ranting facebook message (and she claims her boyfriend sent it). That's not very nice, but it's one thing and she's had a lot of bad luck. It sounds as if you don't like her much and often make this clear to her, so maybe you both have some bridges to build? She may not realize that your dislike was aimed at her boyfriend/ his actions, not at her.

Original poster

banana87 · 02/10/2010 23:17

I do like her, but I think you are right on Littlereddragon, there are a lot of bridges to be built...I'm just not sure I can be bothered to build them at this point. She has never ever been the kind of friend I have met up with for a coffee, it's always been a group affair when we do meet up. She tends to always lay a guilt trip on too, i.e. in August she said she was hurt that I did not invite her to my 4th July party (I did). I am not angry with her, I just fail to see why I should continue to try and make her feel better if it seems like she is more comfortable feeling sorry for herself.

OP posts:

JaneS · 02/10/2010 23:31

Well, I'd leave it then. No point making an effort with someone you don't genuinely like, who's quite difficult to interact with.

It just sounds as if you've been thrown together by circumstances, but wouldn't have been friends otherwise. Nothing to beat yourself up about there.

JaneS · 02/10/2010 23:32

*Sorry - I see you said you like her, but it sounds as if she's trying your patience atm, and you can't really feel happy about being friends with her any more.

DetectivePotato · 03/10/2010 06:59

I wouldn't bother. She says she has no one and nothing to do yet she keeps cancelling on you. She wouldn't do that if she was genuinely sat at home, desperate for some company.

She is one of those people who continuously let others down and I cannot be bothered with people like that.

thumbwitch · 03/10/2010 07:07

Leave it - give her the option to contact you if she wants to meet up but don't initiate any arrangements yourself. Tell her about your parties if you want, for the sake of keeping the peace if you feel you should, but expect her to not turn up - in fact I'd be tempted to phrase it along the lines of "we're having a party on X, we'd love you to be there - hope you make it, as you've never managed to before" (passive-aggressive, moi?)

And finally, let it go. It's up to her - if she can't have the common decency and manners to actually keep an arrangement she's made and agreed to, then sod it.

Manda25 · 03/10/2010 09:32

I think there is a middle ground .... don't make an effort - but don't cut her out ...let her do the running if she is still interested.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/10/2010 09:38

Don't make any more effort but see if she does. Though TBH you sound a bit as though you want a cookie for trying so hard to befriend this poor pitiful creature, maybe she feels a bit patronized.

Original poster

banana87 · 03/10/2010 09:47

Thanks girls, lovely advice.

FWIW, I do not want a reward for trying so hard. The only reason I try so hard is because I feel sorry for her and I genuinely like to help people. I help people as a career because I like it so I think it comes naturally to me. It's always her who complains, it's not me who offers and then gets into a huff when she doesn't want to. Even last time she said I need to harass her as she is very depressed right now and just won't come otherwise. So I did. She didn't come, so I feel like giving up. How much effort does she want me to make? See, this is why I work with kids, I cannot stand adults!! ;)

OP posts:

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