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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in wishing that my DH would drop this friend...

43 replies

TastesLikePanda · 02/10/2010 13:05

or at the very least stop moaning to me about how annoying he is?

I'll try and keep this short but accurate.

DH has known this friend for years - they met at the shop DH works in and used to play geeky fantasy role play games together.

This friend - I'll call him C - is very high maintenence and very opinionated. In the past he has told other people (mutual friends) that he didn't think that our relationship would last as DH and I don't do everything together i.e. we have some very different interests as well as some that we share (I love travel, DH is a homebird etc)

C has critised me to other friends for such strange things as paying too much to get my hair done. Hello? My money, my hair, my choice! DH doesn't care how much I spend on my hair, as it is a very rare treat so why should C care how much it costs?

DH and C meet for lunch once a week. Every week DH comes home to me, moaning about the 'lunch date' and how the entire time was spent listening to C talk about his newest computer game things. C plays [game a] and DH doesn't. C spends all his time telling DH that he should play [game a] not [game b] and slagging off [game b].

Ok this is not as short as I hoped...

C has even called me on my mobile before now, telling me that he has tried to ring DH and there was no answer. I was out of the house, DH was asleep (as he wasn't feeling very well) and C basically said to me "Tell DH that if he wants to still be friends then I'll be waiting for his call, as he can't be bothered to get in touch with me" We found out afterwards that when there was no answer on the house phone or DHs mobile that C had driven round to our house and parked outside it while still ringing it to see if there was movement inside because then he 'would know that we were lying'

Last straw was last night. It was C's birthday. DH hadn't sent him a text saying happy birthday. This has been recieved like the crime of the bloody century - C rang DH and had a go at him for forgetting. FFS they are both in their thirties - I feel like the referee in a school playground sometimes.

I have tried to encourage DH to quietly drop C as a friend as all he (DH) does is moan about him to me. But he won't. AIBU to think that -
(a) C is not a very good friend and
(b) not to bloody moan at me all the time, but never say anything to C.

Ok, phew, rant over. Apologies for length - it seems I've been bottling this up for a little while! Blush

ALL honest opinions will be welcomed. If it turns out that I am BU I will gratefully acknowledge it!

OP posts:
ChewbaccaDefense · 02/10/2010 13:09

YANBU but it's up to your dh not you, just tell him if he wants to keep C as a friend you don't want any part in it, no phone calls etc.

stillbobbysgirl · 02/10/2010 13:09

blimey - this bloke sounds like a male version of single white female!

does your DH actually enjoy the company of C? If he doesn't, then he sounds more trouble than its worth

bigchris · 02/10/2010 13:11

Let me guess, is he single?!!
Your dh probably feels sorry for him
he's probably the only friend this blokes got

Original poster
TastesLikePanda · 02/10/2010 13:16

DH says to me and several other friends that he doesn't enjoy his company, but won't actually tell C why.

I wish he could just say to him 'look mate, when you are being an arse on the phone it makes me not want to call you back' but he won't

OP posts:
Original poster
TastesLikePanda · 02/10/2010 13:19

I do get the impression that my DH is the only person who has ever put up with him for so long, maybe that's why he is so clingy now?

I have said to DH that I don't want him round anymore, but thats more to do with the fact that I can't keep my opinions to myself and will saysomething that will come back to haunt me!

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 02/10/2010 13:20

no guesses as to what C stands for..... Grin

GeekOfTheWeek · 02/10/2010 13:21

C is a lunatic.

Original poster
TastesLikePanda · 02/10/2010 13:25

LMHF - darn you for seeing through my cunning code Grin

(do you see what I did there?!)

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 02/10/2010 13:38

C probably thinks that as your DH hasn't said anything to him that he thinks his behaviour is OK, if it wasn't surely he would have said something?

And any bad vibes he's got from your DH he will think comes from you?

The sitting outside to 'catch you out' is a bit worrying and smacks of control and power games, do you think he'd be a bit of a stalker if you did tell him to back off?

girlywhirly · 02/10/2010 14:53

C is plainly jealous of you and your marriage with DH, and in his head you are coming between him and DH. I would be concerned about his behaviour, because I can see it escalating if someone doesn't stop him.

YANBU, it would drive me mad. However, something needs saying. Could you and DH tell him together that the friendship isn't going anywhere, C's behaviour is now unreasonable, and you both want him to stop contacting you and hanging around your home. So what if he thinks you put DH up to it, if it gets you the solution you want. And remember that two abusive phone calls can be reported as an offence. I'd be inclined to ask advice from the police if C continues to be a nuisance. They will call on him and give a 'friendly warning' if he won't leave you both alone.

Janos · 02/10/2010 15:05

C sounds like a right PITA. You and your DH have my sympathy.

JannerBird · 02/10/2010 15:15

Is C straight?

ChaoticAngel · 02/10/2010 16:25

Tell your DH to either drop the friendship or to stop moaning to you about it.

pluperfect · 02/10/2010 16:41

If C calls again, you can do the job for your DH, who should thank you!

Honestly, what a manipulative pain in the arse!

LittleMissHissyFit · 02/10/2010 17:29

Now, you have a narrow window for dealing with this..

DH can, upon reflection, take umbrage at C's pathetic behaviour about the non texting on birthday, and say Tbh C, if you are going to be that silly because I haven't sent you a text then tbh, I haven't got the time.

Of course that assumes that DH would do that totally unheard of man thing of actually standing up and confronting this issue.

So I reckon he can't do that, so all he has to do is momentarily lose his phone, on silent, and let c's calls go unanswered. Let answerphone pick up all calls for a week or so, and call back anyone he wants to speak to.

There will be panic from C, he will eventually withhold number, DH has to hold firm. C will call your phone, then dear Panda... you don't have to be polite.... Grin

You can say C, why are you calling MY phone? to speak to DH? I'm not at home, he's not here, insert excuse here. If he calls more than twice then blame your hormones and let him have it.

Tell him that no 'mate' behaves like this, that you are sick of hearing how he thinks he has an opinion on you and that you are not, and never will be any of his business.

Tell him not to call you again, that he's not welcome in or outside your home and that his behaviour is alarming. Tell him that you are a private person and that if he keeps this up, you will call the police about his harassment.

All DH has to do then is shrug.. and assume the 'The Boss has spoken' stance...

Job done

LittleMissHissyFit · 02/10/2010 17:30

course if DH misses this opportunity this weekend, he will have to wait for the next incident....

Original poster
TastesLikePanda · 02/10/2010 18:56

LMHF - that is a well thought out plan! Thank you all for advice - will put to DH and act upon at first opportunity!

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 02/10/2010 19:02

Don't put up with the moaning - it may have become part of the routin with your dh - go out with fiend go home moan about firend to wife, why else would he go along wiht this situation each week otherwise.

So there are the three of you in this in a line - with your dh in the middle.

Stop yourslef being on the other end of this line - go out or just politily say to dh - sorry your friend don't moan all the time I am not listenign any more

then your dh has the choice he either still sees this friend and doesn't moan and you get a stop to this

or your dh stops it altogher

but you have to make your choice in this situation and stand by it

or you carry on as you are now

JBsmama · 02/10/2010 19:03

:o

DetectivePotato · 02/10/2010 19:08

YANBU. This 'friend' sounds a bit toxic and not really what I would call a friend. He also sounds jealous that your DH is happily married while I guess he is single. He sounds very childish as well and clingy.

Tell your DH to either drop him or if he continues to see him, then not to moan to you about it. Also don't answer your phone if it is him. You are not your DH's secretary/keeper if he isn't answering his own phone.

The bit about driving to your house whilst phoning is very very odd.

Careybliss · 02/10/2010 19:11

Jannerbird - my thoughts exactly!

Talker2010 · 02/10/2010 19:19

Your husband is an adult in his 30s ... he can decide who his friends are and he should do exactly that

NotAfraidOfTheBudget · 02/10/2010 20:31

C sounds a lot like a friend of mine, who has Asbergers. A late-30s, single, straight,very high-functioning, intelligent and articulate bloke who just has no concept of social graces and 'normal' behaviour. He is a PITA to put it mildly, but is terribly well-meaning, great fun for a laugh (assuming the joke is on his wavelength), and for his friends who share his interests is a good person to attend gigs with, etc. He is totally unable to hold down a job, but spends a lot of time on computer games and online stuff, which suits him perfectly.

Your DH is wrong to spend time with his 'friend' and then do nothing but moan about him, that is rather unfair to the friend. Actually, now I read this back to myself, I am taking note not to be so hard on my friend as well. But I guess you ANBU to be a bit fed up with your DH's behaviour

HecateQueenOfWitches · 02/10/2010 20:35

"Husband. Stop moaning to me about C. I am not interested. It is your choice to keep him in your life. Either dump him or shut the fuck up about him. I have had enough of your whinging."

perhaps too blunt?

ravenAK · 02/10/2010 20:39

Yes, he sounds a bit like an ex-bandmate of dh's, who eventually took himself off in a huge toys-out-of-pram & now slags dh off online periodically...

I think you should let dh choose: either he maintains this friendship, fine, but he doesn't moan to you about it OR he hides behind your skirts enlists your help to put the kibosh on it as LMHF suggests.

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