Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To think it's nigh on impossible to not be bothered what other people think of you?

28 replies

AgentZigzag · 01/10/2010 19:40

It's easy to give out advice to people that they shouldn't care about others judgement of them, but in reality is that possible?

I've always found the people who claim they don't care what others think of them are pretty selfish, and like straight talking, but not when it's said to them.

Although, the older I get the less I'm bothered about how what I do looks like to other people, I can't wait til I'm ancient...ooo say 50 () and I really wont give a shit and can say whatever I like at inappropriate times and places...really loudly.

Is that the case? Or am I being hideously unreasonable?

OP posts:

scaryteacher · 01/10/2010 19:45

I'm now of the age where I am more bothered what I think about other people than what they think about me. That comes with being just over 5 years away from 50, so decrepit, if not ancient (!) and being comfortable in my own skin.

I am bothered if I've upset someone I like, bit otherwise, I don't care. Being a teacher helps here as well, we grow thick skins.

Exogenesis · 01/10/2010 19:49

I used to care. But, my job has helped me develop a I really don't care attitude. I wouldn'y have lasted otherwise.

I care if I upset somebody I like and I'm always nice to people but, If I'm not somebodies cup of tea then hey so be it.

SixtyFootDoll · 01/10/2010 19:51

I wasted so much time in my youth worying what people thought of me, now I realy dont caare.
I am not horrible to people, but if I can see someone is not fussed on me than I dont lose any sleep over it.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 01/10/2010 19:51

I used to care terribly, and still do to a certain extent. Now that I'm in my (early, I hasten to add) forties I care less and less. It's one of the benefits of growing older, which goes some way to make up for the bristles on my chin.

SnailWhaleTail · 01/10/2010 19:56

I think it's hard not to care about how you appear to others; you want people to percieve you in a certain way according to the situation.

Eg, at work it is very important to me to appear professional and in control but due to the nature of my job it's also important that people find me kind and approachable. In my private life it's more difficult (thanks for help yesterday btw) I care what people think but less and less as I get older.

I think it is important that you are all fine with the few that really, really matter: partner, parents, kids, very close friends. What the rest of the world thinks matters, but not too much.

Oh, and it's also very important to be happy with what you think of yourself.

nameymcnamechange · 01/10/2010 19:59

I am nearing 50 and I do think it is possible not to care what some other people think of you. Not everyone, of course, that would make you an arrogant twat. But you kind of learn to sort the wheat from the chaff .

Original poster

AgentZigzag · 01/10/2010 20:11

The point about who it is is true.

I used to care what strangers thought of what I looked like walking down the street, but I've realised that they are either worrying about what they look like, or they just don't notice anyone else other than a cursory glance.

I've accepted who I am now, and that does help a lot.

OP posts:

Rollmops · 01/10/2010 20:42

Aaaach, DEAR, YABU. Only people who matter count.

Dione · 01/10/2010 20:47

OP, the only people who you should care about are those you respect. One of the great things about getting older is that you no longer need the validation of strangers/peers. I remember a guy coming to my house and commenting on some of the CDs on my bookshelf. I told him that the day I stopped worrying about being "cool" was a very liberating one for me.

sfxmum · 01/10/2010 20:48

how does the quote go?

'those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter'

Original poster

AgentZigzag · 01/10/2010 21:54

I've only been cool once in my life dione, it was 4th of June 1991, and I was very, very drunk

OP posts:

animula · 01/10/2010 21:58

Surely only the somewhat delusional don't care what others think?

Isn't taking some kind of account of the judgment of others a bit like the life equivalent of checking your mirrors when you're driving? As in, it would not be good not to?

I can't imagine the sort of person you'd be if you took no account at all.

Obviously, you can take too much account. But none?

TrillianAstra · 01/10/2010 22:19

Depends a lot on who those other people are.

if I think that someone's taste in clothes is appalling then I'm not likely to be bothered if they think that I dress chavvy or slutty or frumpy.

If I think they are incredibly stylish then I would be upset if they thought my dress chavvy/slutty/frumpy.

It's all about how much you respect their opinion. If they are wrong about other things then does it matter if they are also wrong about you?

SoMuchToBits · 01/10/2010 22:27

I think you have to be either

a) extremely confident and happy in yourself

b) very outgoing and not give a toss about what other people think

to feel like this.

There are some in betweens - e.g. you might not be too worried but maybe think a bit about what others may think of you.

My sister is of the "don't give a toss" category. She would wear what she wanted, do what she wanted etc to the extent it may upset people quite a bit, she wouldn't worry.

Whereas I would prefer to be individual, but would worry about doing exactly as I wanted , as it might upset others (sister wouldn't worry about this aspect!)

jameelaq · 01/10/2010 22:56

This is very interesting.
I wonder if someone can condense some wisdom from all of the above (being serious)
(without mentioning being 64 and purple and all that stuff)

Original poster

AgentZigzag · 01/10/2010 23:22

Jameelaq, born, it's shit, die. Fact.

OP posts:

CarmenSanDiego · 01/10/2010 23:40

Well, there's a few different aspects of this.

Clotheswise, well, it varies. If I'm going to a nice party, I'll wear a pretty dress. If I'm going to talk to a group or meeting someone, I'll wear a casual dress or jeans and a nice top. If I'm clubbing, I tend to go to fairly alternate nights out so I might goth/burlesque/cyber it up accordingly with hair falls and mad make-up.

I'm not really bothered if alternative people are bothered by me in jeans and t-shirt or if everyday people see me in my slutted up Rocky Horror gear. Most of my friends are on Facebook and see my various guises. If they can't handle it, well, tough.

There's also the mental attitude. I try to fill my life with people who have roughly similar ideas to me. I'm in the US and find things fairly polarised between left and right wing. I can't find much in common with conservatives or fundies or soccer moms. I've tried and it all goes to crap, so I just avoid them. I know they disagree with how I live and act, so I don't really care. It's a waste of energy.

So no, I don't really care what people think. I'm pretty vocal with my views. I home-school, home-birth etc. I'll happily debate with people I respect but if our views are too far opposed, it's just a waste of everyone's time. My friends love me for who I am and I don't try to hide bits of it.

CarmenSanDiego · 01/10/2010 23:42

I should say within this, that if I've /tried/ to dress appropriately - say, worn a lovely ballgown for a big party and someone said something bitchy, then I'd be sad.

But if my religious sister-in-law said I looked like a slut in a photo taken at a burlesque night, I couldn't give a damn. I might be upset though if one of the burlesque people said my hair falls sucked or something though!

Does that make sense? If you know people are very different from you, you don't value their opinions so much. If people are like you, then you're more bothered if you find a patch of disagreement.

jameelaq · 01/10/2010 23:45

Like it Agent, like it. Layer cake is a bit more positive though don't you think?

Carmen: One day you will be a lot older than 22 and then you will wonder why you thought such things were at all important. And no, you will NOT get a job in a bank if you dress in a frog suit. And why would you want to work in a bank? Quite.

animula · 01/10/2010 23:53

To go further with the wing-mirrors analogy ...

Isn't the trick to choose your wing-mirrors carefully?

Choose the wrong wing-mirrors and it can be "collusion", ie, people as barking as you are, perhaps, prone to be, confirming that shouting at people on the bus because they haven't trodden on the person with a walking-stick in front of them, in their haste to make room for you to alight is a good thing, or that purple ball-gowns + red cardi + platform boots is the norm for the school-run, etc.

or it can be destructive, ie. your inner voice will never agree with their opinions and you are always left feeling "wrong".

When you're young, or are going through a period in life where you are feeling a bit at sea about your identity and confidence, you run your opinions, and thus a bit of your identity, through other people. That way you check out who you are, and at the same time, what sort of things/people you like or don't like, agree with/don't agree with.

As you get older/more confident, that process is streamlined; you can dismiss a lot of stuff/opinions right from the off (eg. "No, this person eats other people. If they don't like the food I've cooked tonight, it may be their problem" or "This person is wearing pyjamas and a tea-cosy. She doesn't like my choice in boots. I don't think PJs + woollen headwear initially designed for tea-pots is a "look" I want myself (having tried it myself, once, when younger. Therefore I may decide to discount her opnion.").

So your "wing-mirrors" get easier to choose. Maybe.

nemofish · 01/10/2010 23:54

'I speak as I find' = 'I am very insulting and rude with no consideration for other peoples' feelings'

'I speak as I find' = 'I have a nasty bitchy side that likes to roam free'

'I say what I think, me' = 'I am fucking stupid and just run my mouth with whatever it comes out with'

yy, I am only bothered about what people think if they are in the circle of trust...

jameelaq · 02/10/2010 00:23

Now animula that is the sort of post which gives you faith in humanity. That there are in fact some people out there who can experience/observe and then process and come out with some sense. Not Guaridan reading fuckwits/not chavscum/not feminazi spamflappers/not mollycoddled nitwits but real human beings.
I was about to give up hope.

CarmenSanDiego · 02/10/2010 01:57

Jameelaq? Eh? Why are you bringing something over from another thread to here? You just seem to be out to be nasty for no apparent reason.

I am older than 22. I'd better start wearing elasticated slacks and flats then FWIW, I am a week away from completing an MBA and have been a director of a software company. However I've figured out what is important to me. And working in a bank certainly wouldn't be.

You utterly missed my point. My point wasn't that I'd be crying into my absinthe if someone dissed my hair, it's that I would be more sad if someone I liked and respected said something I was doing/wearing/saying was offensive or wrong than if someone I didn't particularly care about said it.

mloo · 02/10/2010 07:01

I used to not care, but I worry more and more as I get older.

I was anonymously reported to Social Services. So I feel like I don't have the luxury of getting to ignore what others think. I don't know who is spying on me or how they might take it or what they might do with the info.

I often toy with the idea of spreading whopping great big lies about, just to see which ones come back to me and see if I can spot the sequence of Chinese whispers. For instance, let someone overhear me "confessing" that DS1 had to move schools because he tried to knife somebody, or that DD has a terrible health condition which means I should give her a cocktail of daily drugs only I sell the drugs on, instead to fund my handbag habit. Or that my first husband is buried under the patio. Any sort of ridiculous nonsense that is wildly removed from the truth, just to see how it spreads.

MrsC2010 · 02/10/2010 10:19

Very true. A friend used to pride herself on being 'straight-talking', and could be very blunt, borderline offensive at times. She was quite selfish, and unashamedly put herself first.

BUT, not when it came to herself. If anyone was straight talking with her she was actually very sensitive and would sulk horribly. She expected everyone else to put her first as well.

We're not really friends any more, you can't have you cake and eat it!

Flip

1 2