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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel utterly insignificant?

16 replies

CakeCuresAll · 01/10/2010 09:57

`I really do.

I started to take absolutely everything as a personal indicator to how loved/liked I am.

It's mostly within the family but I just seem to have this they don't care attitude which I despise and can't seem to shake. I've been looking at my general reactions and I'm surprised at how insecure I am.

Why do I constantly feel like no one cares? I've always been very independent and just 'got on' with things but this is getting ridiculous now.

Any tips on how I can get myself sorted here?

A quick example - SIL is always late to pick me and DC's up. Yesterday we waited for 45 minutes at the station and by the time she got there I was so upset I had to stop from crying. I just kept thinking that if she cared she'd make more of an effort but since it was 'only cake...' it doesn't matter enough to be on time. I was cross that I'd put a huge effort into leaving the house with 2 dc's, lunch, breakfast etc, paid extra for an early train after she changed the pick up time an hour earlier and had practically ran up to the station to be on time for her. Then to be ditched for 45 minutes?

That wasn't really a normal reaction was it? Why do I recently feel so unloved?

Help me sort my stupid head out people!

OP posts:

BooBooGlass · 01/10/2010 10:02

That would piss me off too. Did she offer any kind of apology or explination?

BooBooGlass · 01/10/2010 10:03

explanation

mamasmissionimpossible · 01/10/2010 10:05

That was mean of your SIL, I'm not surprised you are angry.

Live up to your name and have another slice of cake! :o

domeafavour · 01/10/2010 10:07

does sil just have to organise herself or was she bringing/does she have children?
i'm sure it's just thoughtlessness on her part, but can understand why you are upset.

BooBooGlass · 01/10/2010 10:09

I think part of you feelign like that is the fact that you go out of your way to make peopel like you/ do things for others. So when they don't do the same to you, you ascribe bigger meaning to it than was meant. She is probably just ditsy. But to you, as you would never do that, it seems like a slight.
Classic people pleaser behaviour I think. You admit you feel insecure. Have you considered some counselling for your self esteem issues?

GypsyMoth · 01/10/2010 10:15

awww it must be a build up of lots of little things,then the sil thing being the final straw!!

i feel like this too.....5 dc,but the 2 eldest are old enough to put in a bit of an effort!

my biggest feeling of sadness comes when i look at my empty vase....everyone knows i love flowers too!

Original poster

CakeCuresAll · 01/10/2010 10:18

Thanks for the replies.

Yes I think you're right Boo. I was upset because I always make the effort - sometimes at great stress - to make sure we are ready for her. I know she doesn't really mean it. I was just using that as an example of my over reaction.

I really am starting to think I am insecure which is not how I have seen myself ever before. I use to have the whole take me or leave me attitude but now I just feel like No one gives a shit.

Domea - she has a son the same age as my youngest. I just felt it was so personal and was shocked at how badly I took it.

It wasn't / isn't just SIL being late. I honestly feel that I could vanish and no one would notice - until they needed something that is.

How do I get out of this mindset?

OP posts:

Original poster

CakeCuresAll · 01/10/2010 10:20

mama - I wish my username was correct lol!

Whitecherry - I buy myself the reduced flowers cos no one else does!

OP posts:

werewolf · 01/10/2010 10:20

Actually, I don't think it was an over-reaction on your part re SIL. 45 minutes late is seriously taking the piss. Did she text you to say she was running late?

((hugs))

Onetoomanycornettos · 01/10/2010 10:25

I feel like this a bit at the moment, I think it's very easy for a mum to feel like this as everyone gets used to you taking care of them, and you start to wonder if anyone would actually take care of you. I don't think the miserable weather helps (impending winter), it makes me feel a bit down, and perhaps you do too. Obviously if you thought it was greater than that and you were a bit depressed, go to the docs. Otherwise, you are probably feeling a bit delicate and taking things very personally (e.g. your sister is notorious for being late and is probably late with everyone, but you took it as a personal slight, which is beyond it being just annoying). Treat yourself nicely at the moment, and remember, your family do love you, even if they don't always show it. You could even talk to them about it for a bit of reassurance.

Chil1234 · 01/10/2010 10:34

"How do I get out of this mindset?"

Stop getting worked up thinking and feeling what other people might or might not be doing or thinking.... and vocalise your frustrations. Truth is that unless you speak up and say 'I'm not happy about this ', then everyone will think you're OK, you don't mind how you're treated and things will carry on as they are.

If you feel that you're being taken for granted the only way to tackle it is to assert yourself....put yourself first, get annoyed with others if they make you play second fiddle. It doesn't come naturally to some people - takes practice and some guts - but once you've roared, you'll feel a whole lot beter.

proudnglad · 01/10/2010 10:41

Feel for you. Your head's not stupid!

Lateness really pisses me off. In fact I often feel I am the only person I know who honours arrangement times! It's a tricky one as you don't want to seem like a moaning minnie but it's so rude when, as you say, you've broken your neck getting there on time and she's showing no respect for that by turning up when she's ready.

I agree that in general you probably feel swamped and put upon and this is feeding your feeling of insignificance.

Are you SAHM, what do you do for you, that is yours, that makes you feel good about yourself?

Original poster

CakeCuresAll · 01/10/2010 11:12

chil1234 - you are most probably right. I am expecting people to know how I'm feeling without spelling it out for them. I just don't know where to start with telling them.

It feels totally self indulgent, they have their own lives to live and don't need my issues too. That's how I've always lived, looking out for myself, I guess it's time I asked for some support for a change. That's going to take a bit of practice as you say.

Proud - I don't have anything for myself. I look after my nephew and my 2 kids during the week. I can't ever get a sitter for the evenings and tbh - I'm too exhausted to do anything anyway.

God I feel so ungrateful. My children are healthy and amazing and I should be happy shouldn't I?

Thanks guys

OP posts:

proudnglad · 01/10/2010 11:20

OK well firstly I think you have to find the time to do something you enjoy, that you are good at or love, just for you.

My career is what gives me pleasure and self respect and fulfillment. It doesn't have to be work for you but I think you have to have something.

Re 'I don't know how to start with telling them'. Do it naturally, just as you've told us here. Don't be someone you're not, all confrontational etc etc if you're uncomfortable with that.

Say to your SIL 'I'm sorry to sound like a whiney old moo but it upsets me when you're late. I'm sure it's very difficult for you to get your shit together, it is for me too, but it makes me feel taken for granted. Can we either make the arrangement for an hour later or try to get there at the same time' etc.

Chil1234 · 01/10/2010 11:25

It's a common problem. If you think your needs are unimportant then you will always stand back and people - unless they are extremely sensitive and caring types - will simply let you.

The first step, if you like, is to acknowledge that your requirements are very important. They are more important than those of your friends and family - and even those of your children. Asking for help isn't easy (I'm terrible at it myself) but once you've taken the plunge you'll be amazed who is happy to oblige and how many 'I wondered why you never asked before' you get.

I'd seriously recommend you find something that you like doing and can go and do on a regular basis. Say one evening a week.... nightschool class, gym session, whatever. Get a regular babysitter (even go with an agency if you have to) and then you've got a weekly date in the diary where you know you'll be doing something just for you. This is not self-indulgent it's called 'survival'. Your children will benefit from seeing Mum as someone who does other things besides run around after them. You will gain confidence and you'll feel energised.

leeloo1 · 01/10/2010 21:19

If you have your nephew all week then why can't nephew's parents babysit for you in the evening/at the weekend?

Do you feel like you're being taken for granted because of all of the (free?) babysitting? If so then make some excuses for why you can't do it on some days - you don't have to sort out other people's childcare for them!

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