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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To force DS to go to karate?

27 replies

Kushanku · 01/10/2010 08:58

DS is 11 and has been doing karate for 3 years. He reached his blue belt and then quit. Since he quit he has done nothing but sit on the PC night after night. He is putting on weight and is having a bit of bother from other kids at his new secondary school (not because of his weight).

I told him he would be going back to karate tonight for fitness purposes, to get him back amongst the land of the living and to improve his confidence again. He's dead against it and really, really doesn't want to go.

To be fair, the kids at the karate club are not exactlyy nice to him either, they rip the piss out of him, call him a sissy/girl and randomly punch and kick him.

... Ok after writing that last sentance I can quite see I'm being unreasonable to make him go back into that environment but he seems to attract this treatment no matter where he goes - I think he may have aspergers or something but AIBU to want to toughen him up a bit??!

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 01/10/2010 09:01

lol am glad that you can see you are being unreasonable after that last sentence!

i would say, yes, encourage him off the computer. limit time or whatever. but try and find something HE enjoys doing.
it doesn't even have to be a sport... just something to stop him sitting in front of a screen and somewhere he can make friends perhaps

TanteRose · 01/10/2010 09:01

YABU

there must be something else he could do...could you take him swimming, or go on a bike ride with him?

how on earth will it help toughen him up?? he will just be miserable...

Original poster

Kushanku · 01/10/2010 09:03

Poor DS, I just don't want to do for the best anymore. He's no good at sports so I couldn't put him in a team environment as he'd just get picked on and shouted at. That rules out Rugby, football and pretty much anything that requires any co-ordination.

I've started taking him swimming on a saturday morning but I don't think it's enough. I think he needs to be amongst kids his own age, not stuck with his mum in a swimming pool.

OP posts:

upahill · 01/10/2010 09:05

YABU to make him do Karate if he hates it but YANBU to b e concerned about his weight and time spent at the comuters.

My lad used to do a martial art because I did but got to the stage where he had enough. He has reppaced that with BMX and is fantasticly fit and is part of a huge social scene.

My advice would be find out what his friends are doing and interested in and encourage him to get involved with them.

My other DS also quit the martial art club He is 11. Hejust has loads of mates around and they bomb round on their bikes and play football at the park everynight after school.

I would just limit the computer time if I was you.

seenyertoeslately · 01/10/2010 09:05

Please don't send him back if they treat him like that!

'he seems to attract this treatment no matter where he goes'

Does he also have these problems at school?

TanteRose · 01/10/2010 09:05

I see what you mean...

what does he like, other than PC?

OrmRenewed · 01/10/2010 09:07

Yes yabu.

I've been there. My eldest got quite a long way with karate and quite enjoyed it but just lost interest. I used to try and make him go - we had big rows - but after a while I realised that it was pointless making him do something that was meant to be for enjoyment that he has stopped enjoying.

Sadly it has happened with most things my DC have tried

OrmRenewed · 01/10/2010 09:09

Cycling is good, or running. Could you both do these things together? My DS#1 skateboards a lot but he also cycles with me when I go running.

ratspeaker · 01/10/2010 09:09

Is there another martial art he could try?
Another style of karate at another club

Did you mention his getting teased/hit etc to the karate club leader? There should be discipline and respect in the dojo a good karate club would not support name calling etc

thisisyesterday · 01/10/2010 09:10

ok have been thinking about this a bit more

if you genuinely think he may have aspergers then see your GP about it. if it turns out you are right you can get help for him and learn ways of helping him deal with social situations he struggles with

limit computer time. even if he spends the evening downstairs with you that's better than being stuck in his room on his own. personally i would say maybe 45 minutes a night is plenty. max an hour

then... sit down and go through some options with him. is he interested in maths? chess? science? reading? wildlife? music?
does the school run any after-school clubs he might be interested in?

i think the key lies in getting him away from the comptuer and into social situations. exercise and fitness can be fitted into that afterwards.

ljgibbs · 01/10/2010 09:10

Is there a different karate club he could go to?

Original poster

Kushanku · 01/10/2010 09:18

It happens EVERYWHERE he goes. Honestly, it happened all through primary school, every club I've taken him to - it even happened at a kids club when we went abroad on holiday. It used to happen in the park, everywhere. He just doesn't act like a normal child. He starts giving lectures, correcting people's grammar, questioning people's actions and comments - I just can't explain it.
Despite the bullying and piss taking he is highly confident and insists that he really couldn't give a shit what people think of him and I honestly think he means it. For instance, he's having problems at school, the other kids don't like him, yet he's not asked to stop off once, even when he was full of cold and was burning up he told me not to fuss when I asked if he was well enough for school! it just doesn't seem to bother him.
He doesn't really have any other interests other than music, drama and writing. He attends a creative writing club at school, a film club and plays the drums. It seems we're doing all the right stuff but nothing gets any better.

re karate club - unfortunately it's the instructors son doing most of the piss taking and the instructor see's nothing wrong with it. To him its just "lads being lads". God forbid anyone say anything wrong to his lad though

OP posts:

kreecherlivesupstairs · 01/10/2010 09:25

Bloody hell, the instructors taking the piss. That is so wrong.
Like other people have said, if you do suspect he may have Aspergers, take him to the doctor and get a diagnosis and some strategies to help him live his life without pisstaking. No matter what he says, it must affect him somehow.

newwave · 01/10/2010 09:26

Kush, good for your lad he knows what he wants and what he likes, he will meet like minded people and go far. He sounds like a future success story in the making.

Unless he is unhappy then stop worrying

Only sheep move with the flock

Acanthus · 01/10/2010 09:28

Could you read around Asperger's and try some of the strategies that help, without trying for a diagnosis? Then you'd have a better idea whether to go to the docs or not.

Original poster

Kushanku · 01/10/2010 09:33

Thanks for the replies. I'm just frightened that he will get beaten up one day or something. People seem to take such a massive dislike to him and it frightens me. He was beaten up in his last few weeks at primary school and a few days ago, one of the year 7s at his current school looked like they were being picked on by some year 10s so DS marched over to them and demanded that they stop. This resulted in hysterical laughter, DS being punched and mocked and even the kid he was looking out for joined in at laughing at him!!!
I think he'll be fine when he's older but at the moment, I worry about how much he will be affected by his poor social skills as he goes through secondary school.

OP posts:

Shodan · 01/10/2010 09:46

This kind of thing makes me so cross because it's clubs and instructors like this that give the whole sport a bad name. I'm not surprised he doesn't want to go back.

However. My ds1 also got to a point where he didn't want to do karate any more (we used to train together) and so he stopped going. I, like you, was concerned abut the amount of computer time and the lack of exercise but it seemed nothing I could do would change how he felt about sports in general.

That went on for three years. Then, out of the blue, he asked if he could join the local tennis club as a couple of his schoolfriends went. We said yes, and now he goes of his own volition at least once a week if not more. In the summer term it seemed like he was there more or less every night!

It may just be that your ds doesn't fancy it at the moment but may well find something else, in time. Try not to worry about him too much- it sounds like he has lots of confidence and that's the main thing.

If, at some point, he does fancy giving karate (or another MA) a go, talk to the sensei first. A good instructor will listen sympathetically to your concerns and would certainly not condone any bullying in his (or her) class.

IzzyWizzyletsgetbusy · 01/10/2010 10:07

Please don't put him back in that environment, it must be awful. And don't worry too much about the not liking sports, it's not for everyone. I hated and was rubbish at all sports (still am!) and would have found it really stressful to be made to do them. I was never overweight and always fairly fit (mind you I did a lot of dancing later on).

In terms of socialising, can you not harness the things he does like doing, so join a local youth drama club or something? That would get him out of the house and he might meet kids that he has more in common with. Also I see that he plays the drums, again you could check out youth bands/orchestras in your area (try your local council music service to start with). I played the sax in district bands and it was great for socialising and confidence. We even did a weeks tour in Germany when I was 15.

I have no experience of aspergers etc so can't advise you there other than to say take him to the GP if you're worried. But I do think in the meantime there are lots of potential activities you can look into that would get him off the computer and mixing with other people his age without forcing the karate/sports thing. Best of luck x

TottWriter · 01/10/2010 10:18

If he likes drama, why not find a theatre group? My brother (now almost 18) was very much like your DS for years. He was home educated which didn't help, but didn't seem inrterested in anything ither than computer games. When my mum moved down to Cornwall, she found a theatre group for herself, and somehow my brother got involved. He went from having zero social skills to being one of the crowd in just a few months (he has communication issues and a working diagnosis of ADHD so this was a big deal for him and us!)

Thespian types seem more tolerant of unusual personalities, so your DS might find a niche for himself there. If it doesn't work out, don't immediately write it off, maybe see if there's another one around.

My brother also did Warhammer for a while, which is a little pricey, but it seeemed a better outlet for him than shooting things on a screen. It was social interaction, but through the medium of a game, which allowed conversation to be mainly about that instead. And there are always three or four staff around, so any bullying or clique-y behaviour shouldn't go unnoticed.

Mumi · 01/10/2010 11:27

"I think he may have aspergers or something but AIBU to want to toughen him up a bit??!"

If you suspect he has Aspergers but are not seriously investigating this then yes, YABVU to try "to toughen him up a bit" first.

Which karate style is it?

Butterbur · 01/10/2010 11:41

It sounds like he is at a crap karate club tbh. Good etiquette is such an important part of the sport, and of most martial arts,including boxing, because if you spend an hour trying to hit one of your classmates it can soon degenerate into a nasty situation if you don't have the underlying respect for your opponent.

I do know boys like your son. DS1 in particular has a friend who sounds much the same. His didactic manner rubs everyone up the wrong way. But I find him easy to talk to, and I'm sure he will be OK once the others grow up a bit.

Hope you manage to find a sport your ds enjoys - there must be something out there for him!

mumeeee · 01/10/2010 11:43

YABU. Don't make him go back find something else he would enjoy doing.

coraltoes · 01/10/2010 11:45

It sounds like he doesn't enjoy competitive or team sports, that is perfectly fine. What about an orienteering club? or the scouts? Something active but not in the same team sport way as rugby, football etc.
You could put him in a swimming club at the local pools, I used to attend one twice a week and loved th fact it wasnt a team sport. Is there a horse-riding centre nearby? That is another good "sport" but also gives a lot to kids in terms of animal interaction and a bit of a community. Especially if he joins in with mucking out the horses etc.

Good luck

DaisyDaresYOU · 01/10/2010 12:16

I feel so sorry for your ds My ds is being picked on at the moment and it's upsetting .Has your ds got any friends?

bumpybecky · 01/10/2010 12:21

Poor ds :(

I was going to suggest Warhammer too. Won't help with the fitness level, but might help socially. Is it an option for you?

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