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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Does anyone else feel that reading MN has actually made them a WORSE parent in some respects?

51 replies

goldenticket · 30/09/2010 22:14

I have been lurking and posting sporadically on here since 2004 and have gradually come to the conclusion that MN and the wider media has made me a worse parent .

I am losing my ability to assess risk because my head is now filled with the knowledge of all the things that could happen.

Everything seems preventable. If my kids have problems or misbehave, I could and should have stopped them.

My sense of perspective is shot to pieces.

I have no confidence in my own parenting and constantly look to see what others are/have done.

Does anyone else feel this way? I love MN and I have learnt so much from it but I'm seriously considering calling it a day. Fwiw, I used to be a pretty laid back, confident and relatively worry-free parent but I spend so much of my days fretting now .

I'm taking a chance posting in AIBU because I'm genuinely interested to see if I am, but please be gentle

OP posts:

caramelwaffle · 30/09/2010 23:41

Take a chill-pill; and I mean that quite literally.

B-Vitamins
Vitamin C
Warm milk

You need to sleep and stop THINKING so much. Let your thoughts work themselves out. Go to bed.

TheNextMrsDepp · 30/09/2010 23:46

See, I'm going to be a grumpy parent tomorrow because I'm reading this thread when I should be tucked up in bed. THAT'S the curse of MN as far as I'm concerned.

It hasn't changed my perspective; I'm still as confident as ever in my own abilities.

Claw3 · 30/09/2010 23:47

pre-mn i never smacked my children, still dont now, nothing has changed.

I kind of gathered pre-mn that some parents do smack their children, for various reasons. Hasnt made me a worse parent.

I have become wiser, i think! knowledge is power, cant be a bad thing?

Original poster

goldenticket · 01/10/2010 00:01

So it's just me then .

Thanks and night all

OP posts:

Claw3 · 01/10/2010 00:04

Im not sure if it is just you, i cant decide anymore after reading mn

ManicMother7777 · 01/10/2010 10:36

No it's not just you goldenticket, I complete agree. I now cannot go round Asda without manically returning home to see if there's a "AIBU to be shocked that anyone shops in Asda" or a "AIBU to think you shouldn't dribble when you look at the indian snacks, I mean they're so full of trans-fats" etc etc

PutTheKettleOn · 01/10/2010 10:41

I think it's made me more confident as it's made me realise other people are as crap/clueless as me

Or maybe I've just been reading the wrong threads...

Indelible · 01/10/2010 10:48

It's made me more paranoid. Whereas before I used to assume nobody really paid much attention to what I was doing, now I recall all those "don't you just hate parents who do X" threads, and realise that actually, everyone is judging...

OrmRenewed · 01/10/2010 10:49

It's made me think I'm a worse parent.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts · 01/10/2010 11:04

I'm with you goldenticket.

I haven't been on MN half as long as some but I do get a little at everyones ability to write such educated posts when mine seem to waffle on!

I do worry about coming accross as a bit of a thicko

I do walk round now thinking about people's circumstances that may have caused them to say/do x, y or z instead of making quck judgements. In that respect it has had a positive influece.

I think I am always thinking if other mums, or dads, in my town, who I walk past are on MN and if I've 'spoken' to them :)

I don't think the ability to ask another's advice has made me less confident as a parent just appreciative that other people do it differently :)

marge2 · 01/10/2010 11:06

I go thorugh phases on MNetting. I am def a worse Mum when I am constantly on here. I am thinking of banning myself!

TrillianAstra · 01/10/2010 11:06

I think MN will make me a better parent.

Without MN - do as your mum did, or as your friends do - much more limited range. You feel secure in your choice because you aren't aware that there even is a choice, but the way your mum does things is not necessarily the best.

With MN - you see the huge range of ways that people can go about things, you become more educated and you make a more informed decision. You may, however, feel less certain in your decisions.

If MN is making you more paranoid about children being snatched or SS being called then you are reading different threads to me.

Morloth · 01/10/2010 11:17

I have found MN makes me stop and think before I get annoyed with someone. I am still a very chilled out laid back parent but as a result of MN I am more likely to cut people some slack.

verytellytubby · 01/10/2010 11:18

Hasn't changed my parenting at all. I love reading all the different views.

shimmerysilverglitter · 01/10/2010 11:25

"but I'm bogged down by my empathy - it's weighing me down in my everyday life. Does that make sense?"

Yes that makes perfect sense. Me too.

shimmerysilverglitter · 01/10/2010 11:26

Although saying that, I would say that MN has made me a much BETTER parent.

In fact I am a better and more mentally healthy person because of MN.

DingALongCow · 01/10/2010 11:49

It has opened up my mind to other opinions and points of view, nothing seems to be black and white any more. I am a much more empathetic and balanced person, I don't tend to judge as much and I am much more considerate of other people and their needs. But it has made me a much less confident parent in some areas as I am so aware of other opinions and yes, my brain does seem to be working and processing more, nothing is as 'easy' in some ways as it was.

In other areas I am much more confident as I know I am not alone, what I am feeling or doing is normal, completely normal. With DC2 I was much more involved in Mumsnet and I didnt have the level of PND I did after DC1, I jsut never felt as truly alone.

Anenome · 01/10/2010 12:04

Not specifically...but I recently posted on the relationship section looking for advice...I namechanged though...and the vitriol which came from other MN'rs was shocking...not towards me but to my DP.

I was at a low ebb and believed these strangers were telling the truth about my DP when they said he obviously didnt love our DC's and that he was a bastard.

I had to really avoid readinig some of the advice as it came from women who seemed very bitter.

Original poster

goldenticket · 01/10/2010 18:35

Interesting that a few people feel the same way. Paranoid is about right - not that my children are going to be snatched from under my nose, but that every decision I make will be judged, scrutinised found wanting by a great deal of my peers, if MN is anything to go by.

DingALongCow, that's spot on, except the bit where you're much more confident - why does MN not have that effect on me?

OP posts:

sunny2010 · 01/10/2010 19:20

No not at all. I work with kids and have been there and seen it all. They are more resilient than you think and as long as you are loving and provide a stable environment your nearly all there. Every kid has tantrums and behaves awfully at some point regardless of it the parents come in and say they are always great/act a certain way etc. No one can stop kids misbehaving at certain times and I think some people have the tendency too expect to much too young sometimes.

I do myself even with my years of work experience with kids its different with your own. I expect more sometimes as you think its a reflection on yourself.

piscesmoon · 01/10/2010 19:33

I think I am a much better mother than I did previously. I thought that I was an over protective control freak and yet I have found that I am apparently very liberal and laid back!
It has really made me see that one size doesn't fit all and that all people can do is be a 'good enough' parent for their DC and not to have feelings of anxiety because people think they have all the answers-they haven't. I agree with sunny.

fedupofnamechanging · 01/10/2010 19:45

This is the conversation the Wright Stuff should have had instead of the banal shit they actually had on this topic. Was hoping for an MNer to phone up and give their discussion some depth.

Original poster

goldenticket · 01/10/2010 20:40

Do you think it's also that I'm not very robust and thick skinned? If I posted about a problem with one of my DCs and people replied that I was to blame and I should have done this, that and the other, I would really take it to heart. How can I toughen up and get the courage of my convictions back?

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 01/10/2010 21:44

Where did you post it goldenticket? If you put it on AIBU you need a skin as thick as a rhino! You would hope that if it elsewhere then people would be sensitive. You have to take care-there is one thread that I would like to respond to at the moment, because OP is getting only one view, but I am steering clear because they will all round on me! My view is just as valid but they simply don't allow deviation from the 'collective' view.
It is sad if you feel like that and I think MN is failing-it should make you feel better!

fedupofnamechanging · 01/10/2010 21:45

Who is to say that other people are right and you are wrong? We all give opinions, but they are just that. The good thing about asking though is that you may benefit from other peoples experience.

Also remember hindsight has 20:20 vision. Easy for people to say what you should have done.

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