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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ditch this mum-friend?

18 replies

SnailWhaleTail · 30/09/2010 20:07

Am am retrospectively canvassing opinion really as the deed is pretty much done!

I have a group of friends, we met when our DC's were babies and they are now 5. We initially met up with the kids but for the past couple of years it has more been nights out. Out of the 6 of us I would count 3 others as very close friends, another is very busy with her job, life etc but is a great girl and a mate but what you tell her always does the rounds immediately and the 6th has always tended to blow hot and cold.

Ms Chatty told me in the summer that Girl 6 had been telling a tableful of people at a party what a bitch I was and how my au pair had confided in her I was a terrible mother and very neglectful. Ok, au pair didn't leave on the best of terms (see posts) but I did give her 6 weeks notice and a good reference and chalked her stroppiness up to youth.

I was cross that someone who has known me for 5 yrs, been to my house many times and been happy to use me for ad hoc childcare didn't talk to me if she had any real concern, rather badmouthed me to other friends.

I asked a close friend for confirmation that this was actually said rather than it being a misunderstanding, she also overheard the conversation.

Anyhoo, I've not seen her over the summer and have just kept out of her way as she has mine. Our dc's go to the same school and we bumped into oneanother this afternoon, I said hello then said I needed to get my child from his class and scarpered but I've just had a text asking if there is a problem.

I don't want to chat by text, I don't want to discuss it at all, I feel hurt and I don't want to be friends with someone who can be so thoughtless at the very least. I replied that I was hurt by what she had said at x event and that we should agree to differ but wished her well for the future. I have turned my phone off as that is it as far as I'm concerned.

Why do I feel like it's me that's done something shit? Should I have gone about it another way? It just felt really fake to chat and be friendly when I'm just not up for it any more. I want my relationships to be positive and enriching not a drag...

What would you have done?

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 30/09/2010 20:10

that's fine - honest but standing up for yuorself IMO

cupcakesandbunting · 30/09/2010 20:12

No you should not feel like shit but you need to tell her what she's done and then close the relationship otherwise you run the risk of looking the "arsey" one that just stopped speaking to her for nothing.

If you don't want to tell her in text, write her an email explaining calmly what you heard and that it has upset you and that you don't see any point in continuing the friendship. It would be difficult for her to argue with that.

cupcakesandbunting · 30/09/2010 20:13

Oops sorry, I totally missed that she knows why you're upset. Feel free to disregard my advice

nameymcnamechange · 30/09/2010 20:13

Don't worry about it. Although its slightly odd that Ms Chatty should tell you what Ms Bitchy said about you and your aupair when you weren't there. Is Ms Chatty on your side, do you think, or is she really a snake in the grass and actually Ms Bitchy's bezzie mate?

Anyway, when you look at all this in the cold light of day, doesn't it seem a bit childish. You are never BU to ditch someone you get nothing back from. It hardly sounds like you were really close anyway.

Chin up - and keep your phone switched off .

AgentZigzag · 30/09/2010 20:17

You didn't take what she said at face value and clarified it with other people, you've avoided her so as not to cause a scene, and when she's asked you've told her the truth, what can be wrong in that?

It would have been wrong to go and punch her out, or start a slanging match in a public place, or go round telling lies about her.

You haven't done any of this but seem to have been calm and rational about it.

You don't have to have contact with anyone you don't like (apart from exs who are your DCs Dad?).

Marjee · 30/09/2010 20:17

I think you did exactly the right thing. No one wants to be friends with a bitch, don't feel bad about it just be polite but distant when you see her.

AgentZigzag · 30/09/2010 20:18

Yeah, I was going to say that, what happens when you switch your phone on? Cue 100s of stalker texts...

cupcakesandbunting · 30/09/2010 20:20

I told a work friend that another work person had been slagging her off the other day but I made it clear that I told her to STFU and stop being a cow, so I think it's clear that I'm not a snake in the grass. I hope.

If I'd sat there nodding then I would have been a snake in the grass to tell the friend. It depends on what Miss Chatty's reaction was tbh. They both sound like shits.

Original poster

SnailWhaleTail · 30/09/2010 20:21

That's exactly it, it is silly and childish but it's kind of the last straw, I just don't want to invest time or emotional energy on it.

I hate drama and kind of resent the whole bloody affair which is why I was wondering if I'd mismanaged the whole thing.

Thing is I couldn't be more happy in the rest of my life, all is good and this is a fly in the ointment as it were.

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfWitches · 30/09/2010 20:22

How are you managing to keep your phone off?

I'd have to turn it on to see if she's replied.

AgentZigzag · 30/09/2010 20:26

'Thing is I couldn't be more happy in the rest of my life, all is good and this is a fly in the ointment as it were.'

That says you were right to do it beyond doubt.

Original poster

SnailWhaleTail · 30/09/2010 20:29

AgentZigzag; I know it sounds annoying but I can't really think of anyone I don't like! Obv there are arses at work but I smile politely, inwardly call them a batty old hag and get on with my day. If someone random upsets me I seethe over all the pithy things I should have said then console myself by thinking that it must be lonely to be so meanminded.

I haven't actually had a falling out with close friend or family member since about yr9, and I'm in my mid 30's.

Christ, I am a boring bitch!

I even think my MIL is a pleasant old loony.

OP posts:

Original poster

SnailWhaleTail · 30/09/2010 20:33

Arses it's affecting my reading. AgentZ I read your last line as a question.

Disregard my last self indulgent post!

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 30/09/2010 20:35

Hehe you need to be more agressive snail

spikeycow · 30/09/2010 20:51

This is my opinion and it's 100% right. People only badmouth others in the company of people who are accepting it and nodding along. If someone had stuck up for you McBitchy would have shut it. The others let her carry on so you should reevaluate those friendships too IMNVHO

spikeycow · 30/09/2010 20:52

Oh cupcakes said it before me! Well she is right too

Original poster

SnailWhaleTail · 30/09/2010 21:21

I know Cupcakes and Spikey, I'm fading on that friendship too but I can't be bothered with any more drama. Ms chatty has many ishoos so I can easily belive she nodded along then reported back in shocked fashion. I wouldn't ring her with anything confidential believe you me.

I'm psyching up to switch the phone back on.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 30/09/2010 21:32

Nah you did the right thing. Best to have a few really close, lovely, kind friends in your life like I have, than have loads of fairweather ones. Friend 6 is in the wrong, two faced bitch , your right, don't want your life cluttered up with rubbish I say. I don't know if Mrs gossip chatty is on your side, but I would really watch what I say to her and keep a distance from her too, and just stick to the other 3. She should have grown out of playground behaviour by now.

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