Am I being unreasonable or is her?

[AaronsBoo]

My ExH and I have been divorced for 3 years, we have 2 Ds's aged 8 and 6. We get along quite well, he has never been abusive / cheated / let the boys down / or anything else bad. We split up as we simply grew apart.

We have no official custody arrangement, as it stands he has the boys for 4 nights and then I do, he can't do set days as works shifts 4 on / 4 off. Its been this way for the last 3 years and works well for us and the kids.

I am in receipt of the child tax credits and child benefit. I claim no CSA from him.

My issue is with the school. We had parents evening tonight and as usual had to check whether the data they hold is correct. It said that the boys primary carer is Father. Their address is down as his. The first emergency contact is him. So I changed it all back to them living with me etc.

But, I know in a few weeks it will have been changed back to ExHs details again.

It is driving me mad, my Exbil is a school govener and so is Exmil. They love to slate me where ever possible (saying that I never give the boys breakfast, that I send them to school dirty, that I am always out on the piss - I never drink!) I feel like everyone at the school gossip about me. They certainly do at beavers, as they have been over heard saying what an awful mother I am (again ExMil is on the scouts council as is exSil)

They are the sort of family that are into everything, I can't turn around without bumping into them or a friend of them, or someone recognising the surname and asking if i'm related to exmil.

Sort of gone off the point sorry... AIBU to want the school stuff to be in my name? Or does he have every right to change it back into his?

Thanks if you've managed to read this far.

Not BU. You seem to have worked out a great way of genuinely sharing care 50:50. So neither of you is the main carer. Can you not explain this to the school and ensure that all communications are to both of you.

Sorry should say 'He' not 'Her' in the title

If you each have the children 50% of the time and he has parental responsibility (which he will if you were married) then to be honest he has as much right as you do to have his details there. Can't you ask them to put you as equal and joint carers?

I would complain if ex BIL and ex MIL had accessed records....surely they have no right to change details. Ask what on earth they were doing looking at that information.

I've tried, and for the main part they seem to get it, but I don't understand how it mysteriously changes. I am probably being paraniod but I think exmil and exbil have something to do with it as only recently she was saying that she wanted to change their addresses to hers, as they wants them to go to a certain senior school (where of course she is head of something or other.... yawn)

ExH just goes a long with her, and all it takes is a call from him to 'update' their details and its all changed again.

You should be down as joint carers and who cares what everyone else thinks? They are just bored and like a bit of gossip

According to them their system is only made to put their address under one entry. So they can't put 2 addresses as the main home of the boys, iyswim.

Are you sure it is your ex that is changing the details. Reason I say this is I find schools to be quite lax at getting correct info down. 3 children (2 of school age) I am married to children's father - that is not issue. I used to be down as first contact as even though I worked at same hospital as husband, my job was part-time and office based so was easier for me to come to school in emergency. Two years ago I started to re-train, meaning it is never possible to predict which ward I will be on (or if I am in uni) so details were changed so husband is number one contact.
Every year we are asked to check if details are correct (never are). This year youngest child's details were still wrong (to extent they had my old bleep number down which I didn't even have when she started school - they had used old out-of-date details from when her brother was at school)
Today - got son's form (he is at secondary school) again I am down as first contact - I despair of them ever managing to correct info despite number of times I politely request it to be changed

sit down with your ex, and say that you really need to present a united front on issues relating to your children.

Say that in order to prevent future mixups (to be tactful ) you go to school together, change the details and instruct the school in writing that no changes are to be made without written instructions from both of you and they are to disregard any changes requested in any other way.

He is unreasonable to keep doing this without asking you. You have equal parenting responsibilities so it should be decided between you who is the main contact with the school, it shouldn't be changed at the whim of a man who seems to have a lot of control over different things (his family sound rather hideous btw and I would think twice about sending the DCs to a school of their choosing).

Who does most of the school things? I'm talking parents evenings, school plays, open evenings, things like that. If I were you, I would look at who has the most involvement and make the decision for primary contact on that basis.

You should be down as joint carrers and both of you should be getting info..

X PILS should not have access to the files and it doesnt matter what MIL wants for 2ndary schools it matters what you and your children wants

I would ask some very serious questions about how those records are being changed as well. It may well be that your ILs are violating privacy laws, MIL does not have the authority just because she is a GP.

You are responsible for the children as you have the Child Benefit and Child Tax Credits in your name, so you could argue you are recognised as the primary carer.

However,will your ex contact you if one of the children is taken ill or if they need urgent medicalintervention.If so, then maybe it'snbot worth worrying over. If he wouldn't then, yes, you need to make school aware you are the primary carer.

Is it your ex-H making the changes or your ex-MIL/BIL, if the ex-MIL/BIL you have seruous grounds for complaint.

Hope this situtaion works out for you

you could rinng and insist you see the headteacher. interfering with pupil's persnal files is pretty serious imo.

Haven't read all the replies as am dashing out but, when we were going through courts with dss we were told that legally the person in receipt of Child Benefit is classed as main carer. In some circumstances CHB can be split which would make the situation different.

What does exh think?

Where does dr, dentist etc hold as address?

Oh and YANBU, this stuff really grated on me too!

We both go together to parents evenings, sports day etc but when the teacher came out to visit the pupils home as they do when they start a new year, to introduce themselves etc it was his house they went too.

I don't have any proof that exmil is having the records changed, everytime i ask whats happened I get 'how unusal, we have no idea whats gone on there...'

I want to send DS1 to a senior school a bit further away as it has a specialist learning department for children with dyslexia, he is currently being tested for it. The rest of his side want him to go to the school they all went too, and to be fair it is only 5 mins down the road, but i'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

"He is unreasonable to keep doing this without asking you."

But surely the same could be said of the OP as well? Especially as they share parenting 50-50.

However I do NOT think you are BU if the exBIL or exMIL are changing the records. That is completely unreasonable, unprofessional, and illegal AFAIK!

I agree you and the exH should discuss the matter and decide between you who should be the primary contact.

As a secondary school teacher I have seen many similar situations. School data systems do only allow one entry for the primary address. However additional notes can be put on the system explaining the situation so that when communicating home both parents are contacted and recieve all information. I would think the best thing to do would be to write a letter detailing the situation, what details you want and the order you want them in and then sign it jointly from both you and your ex-H. You could even write that you don't want the details changed without confirming with both parties in future or something.

Sorry just read Hectate had said exactly that earlier must have missed that...

ExH was there when I changed it back tonight, he didn't say anything and didn't complain. I told him I could get done for benefit fraud or something if they wern't down as living with me and I was claiming for them although i've got no idea if thats true.

Doctors - My address
Dentist - ExMil address as I only discovered recently when I had to take them. I was told the dentist would see them as they had only had an appointment the week before, I knew nothing about this.

I probably could get him to co-sign a letter with me although he would think it was 'daft'

I do feel i'm being unfair to him though in a way, why shouldn't he have his details first on the list, he does just as much as I ddo for them but at the same time I want to protect myself as much as possible as although I have no reason at all to be worried you never know what problems could arrise in the future - we have no offical custody agreement etc.

Oh, and if the school called him to say they were ill etc he would call me and let me know if it was serious but not if it was a dodgy stomachor something, he would just take them home and put them to bed if it was one of his days. Which is fine, I tend to do the same the other way round.

Really, this is more about getting his mother to back the fuck off. What's her address doing anywhere in all this?

She is a nightmare, on every committee going, involved in everything. The kids (including her other gran children) only have to join a club or group and she is there joining the committee and taking over.

She talks about me to people I don't even know, for example she was over heard discussing my faults as a parent with the beaver leader a couple of weeks ago, the beaver leader whom i've never met was happily joining in, not realising my step dad was stood behind her. I actually went in the week after and very politely suggested that it was unproffessional to discuss members parents in full hearing of everyone else and that having never met me she shouldn't make judgements. She denied knowing what I was talking about.

She makes out that she has to provide the boys with clean school uniform and breakfast as they come out without it. She even tald my mum what a dreadful parent I am. My mum was to gobsmacked to say anything to her.

Bloody woman.

She sounds just lovely . I wouldn't normally advocate going all out to ruin someone, but I quite seriously would do whatever I could with the school to get this witch into trouble. She should not be accessing or influencing record keeping.