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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel this is a bit off? Re MIL

52 replies

IsabellaSwan · 30/09/2010 14:35

Will start by saying that MIL is nice and we do get on v well, so am not a MIL-basher.

Am currently in lounge expressing milk and MIL is in kitchen on the phone. MIL came round for lunch as she is babysitting for us later on. She is talking v loudly and I've just heard her say to her friend that she should come round later on. AIBU to feel a bit uncomfortable about this. MN jury - do you think it's ok to invite someone round to someone else's house when babysitting? This is first time MIL has babysat for us so would appreciate views on what is and isn't ok, as am not au fait by babysitting etiquette...

OP posts:
DetectivePotato · 30/09/2010 16:15

She should have asked, not invited someone else to your home without checking. That would really piss me off, no matter who it was.

Onetoomanycornettos · 30/09/2010 16:19

My dad does this, comes over for the day or stays overnight, then asks some other friend to visit (with or without children there). My husband got back one day to find my dad sitting with a friend, they were both waiting for their lunch that they assumed he was going to cook. I do actually think I would mention it, something like 'oh, I hope you don't mind, I overheard, are you having a friend over later?' Be all nice about it, it's no big deal, but I would personally check if I was babysitting if it were ok to bring someone else over, even if it is another lady of a certain age and they will talk about grandchildren.

Hedgeblunder · 30/09/2010 16:20

I wouldn't like it/allow it, but I don't like anyone to be alone with dc who I don't know

herbietea · 30/09/2010 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SmellsLikeTeenSweat · 30/09/2010 16:28

She's presuming a bit, inviting someone to your home without asking. However, presumably she knows that this person is a)house-trained and b) won't make off with the silver, so I would ignore it.

Smile and ignore!

SmellsLikeTeenSweat · 30/09/2010 16:35

I think that Suda is right re MILs don't think about asking permission of their dch's generation - son's house = her house, can invite people over.

Lol at Chil1234 "You've got the place lovely! Like your new bedroom wallpaper."

minipie · 30/09/2010 16:37

Hmm.

I was going to say I think it's very rude of her to invite someone round without asking you first.

But then I thought, if she were a nanny, I wouldn't think it was rude of her to invite a nanny friend round...

Not sure what the difference is? maybe that the nanny friend would also have a child?

Sorry, not really an answer. But overall YANBU.

Laquitar · 30/09/2010 17:06

I agree with Suda too. My mum never phones her friends before she go, she says 'i was passing by and rung the bell'. We have diferent boundaries.

I would say to your mil something like 'oh i prefer it when i know visitors are coming as i can make sure it is not very untidy'.

But i dont know why you prefer to have met the visitor beforehand. Are you worry she will invite drug addicts?

usualsuspect · 30/09/2010 17:07

I would be glad she had some company

Blu · 30/09/2010 17:13

It's fine.

Ideall it would have been better to mention it to you, but I feel depressed that there are people who would feel seriously pissed off about their own MIL inviting what is presumably a trusted and non-psycho-axe-weilding friend to pop round while she is doing you a free favour.

prozacfairy · 30/09/2010 21:24

I don't see an issue really but out of politeness she should definately asked you first.

Although I did get pissed off with my own MIL "telling" me that so and so was coming round to see the baby when DD was first born. Or worse, she was taking DD to see so and so who I'd definately never met and DD's dad could not ever remember meeting.

"Ofcourse you've met her darling. At that school fair in 1984 when you were 6. How on earth can you not remember? She bought you a raffle ticket." Grin and Hmm

FiveGoMadInDorset · 30/09/2010 21:27

Would have been polite to have asked first but can't see that it is an issue.

GeekOfTheWeek · 30/09/2010 22:10

I would be furious tbh.

Very very rude imo.

ChippingIn · 01/10/2010 01:10

I think YABU - she is family, she invited a friend over, if I had friends/family babysitting or I was babysitting for friends/family I wouldn't think twice about it (either them inviting someone or me inviting someone). As long as it's 'a' friend and not 'a party' Grin It is different if you are paying a babysitter that isn't a friend/family - then they should ask - but family - I don't get it??

(Live-in Nanny = same as friend/family, live-out Nanny = paid babysitter)

diddl · 01/10/2010 06:48

Can I just say again-perhaps MIL knows that her son won´t mind & therefore doesn´t feel that she also has to ask her DIL?

badstar · 01/10/2010 06:53

wouldn't mind at all

ratspeaker · 01/10/2010 08:29

YNBU
I would mind

1} its doesn't matter if my MIL felt my husband won't mind, it's still my home and my child I would like to know who's going to be around them

2} I wouldn't go round to my MIL and then ask friends to visit me there

3} just because I share a house with her son, it does not make it my MILs house

Now if the MIl had said "while I'm babysitting can so and so come to visit", thats a totally differnet matter

ScroobiousPip · 01/10/2010 08:36

Your MIL should have asked first. Lapse in manners IMO. YANBU but hopefully you can sort it out with a gentle reminder to her to ask next time.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 01/10/2010 08:41

what are you worried will happen?

piscesmoon · 01/10/2010 08:45

' but I don't like anyone to be alone with dc who I don't know'

Your MIL knows them! Are you saying that you don't trust your MIL?
I don't see a problem. I expect she will come off the phone and say 'by the way x is popping around'. I might not like it if it was a 16yr old babysitter, but what do you think 2 mature ladies are going to do in your absence?!

piscesmoon · 01/10/2010 08:46

Apart from the fact if she was babysitting your DC in her own home she could have any number of people over.

Original poster
IsabellaSwan · 01/10/2010 08:57

Sorry for late response - bit of an update. Decided not to say anything to MIL about having heard her on the phone and see how things played out. It seems that friend must have declined invitation as MIL didn't mention anything about anyone coming round, either before I left or after I got back.

Just to respond on a few of the questions, I don't mind MIL having someone round to keep her company, it's just that I'd like her to ask me first. It's my house (and DH's) and IMO it's just polite (and I would want to tidy the place up a bit if a stranger was going to be there - we've just moved house and it's a bit untidy - it's one thing for MIL to see boxes everywhere and another thng entirely for someone I've never met before to see my house like that IYSWIM). BTW DH would not be happy about her asking people over either, although I do see that she might have (wrongly) thought that DH won't mind and therefore it's ok.

So I think what I will do is, when we next ask her to babysit, I'll ask her if she plans to ask anyone round and let her know that it's ok to do that but would she let me know first so I can have an extra-thorough tidy up so that her friends get a good first impression of me and my house. Does that sound reasonable?

OP posts:
melikalikimaka · 01/10/2010 08:59

Look, just be grateful you have her to help you out, don't get all prickly with her now. As someone has pointed out, this is your MIL and her friend probably won't stay that long.

ratspeaker · 01/10/2010 09:05

Piscesmoon can I just say I wouldn't trust some of the folk my MIL knows futher than I could throw them.
Not everyones MIL has good judgement
She can have who she likes in her house but not in mine and if my kids were going to be in her house there are certain folks I wouldn't want around
But its hypothetical in my case as mine are past the age of needing babysitters.

Isabella sounds like a good approach

PfftTheMagicDragon · 01/10/2010 09:15

I think that if you get on with your MIL and trust her, then there should be no problem with this. Then evening will be long and dull for her, it would be nice to have someone to rifle through your knicker drawer with-- talk to