AIBU to think that Mumsnet is fanning the flames of this "daughter" obsession?

[gramercy]

More and more threads about "gender disappointment"

I think that MN is working some people into a frenzy. Endless threads about hideous mils can't help but make people nervous that their sons are going to end up with wives just like these posters.

I know some mils are awful, but most of the time it's just that we don't really want the in-laws in the equation. They're superfluous.

Before MN I was quite happy with ds - but now it's like I'm on borrowed time.

I always was rather repelled by people whining that they don't have a dd, and then one thread down you read about someone trying to avoid seeing their in-laws at Christmas and the anxiety levels start to rise.

At one point you could never discuss gender disappointment at all on MN without people piling on you shouting (or so it felt like) that you should be grateful your child wasn't born with 3 heads, donkey ears and 16 fingers.

So I kind of appreciate the development in tolerance and honesty; I've had gender disappointment. I don't see it as related to inlaws because A) my MIL is so much saner than my own mother, and B) few people think that far ahead and life is so unpredictable anyway, plenty of us will never be MILs.

Son disappointment is just as rife, I reckon, especially among men who don't feel allowed to voice it. Would be a more mature discussion if they could.

Mumsnet isn't fanning anything, there isn't a MNHQ campaign to demonise MILs or little boys as far as I am aware

the threads are posted freely according to the way the posters present feel and the things they want to discuss

people can't help how they feel

and the point of MN is for people to share and discuss how they feel, what their worries are, what they are thinking etc

so MN is doing exactly what it SHOULD be doing

if there is a cultural problem with gender disappointment, or DIL/MIL tensions, then it isn't MN's fault, it's a social problem that can only be ameliorated by people debtaing and exploring it IMO

so YABU

Having been around Mumsnet far more than I should, for far longer than I should, I would say son disappointment is just as rife: it evens out over a period of time. Simple test: if you let this decide how you are going to feel about your own ds, then you are reading too much Mumsnet.

I don't understand the "you should be grateful for the children you have" argument

I am sure people ARE grateful and DO love the children they have

but feeling sad about not having had a girl/boy as well isn't something dirty or shameful, it's a perfectly natural way to feel and I can't fathom why people are trying to stamp it out or make others ashamed of it

if you had your legs cut off in an accident, would you want someone to say "stop whining, you've still got your arms"

people feel how they feel and this is the right place to talk about it.

My dp was dissapointed with ds b4 he was born,he said sonographer prob got scan wrong he did already have 3boys though,so can understand it a bit.But he adores ds and wouldn't swap him for anything,we have a dd aswell.i thinks its natural to feel a bit dissapointed,aslong as you don't make it obvious

Not alot to add except that I have just had a look at the other thread and a wave of emotion has hit me that I will never have a son. I have one daughter and am going through the meno. It's only been a niggle before but feel a part of me has been wasted.

So I can understand the OP in the thread, she is lucky she has 3 children.

Must stop thinking about it.

Who are these pernicious Mumsnet creatures lurking in the shadows, pulling the strings of grown women to hypnotise them and FORCE them to post about gender and mother in laws????

Don't be daft. It's parents discussing issues that are important to them in a safe and interesting environment - this is just one of many that resonates with many posters.

You could equally say that "MN" is working people into a frenzy on all sorts of other issues - but actually posters are allowed to post on whatever they are worried about, and if this is something which worries them then MNHQ are hardly going to delete the thread because there have already been others.

I agree over the last few weeks there have been several threads, but if you leave it another month they'll be gone and there'll be 23 about the samaritans purse, or AIBU in not cooking a turkey this year, or whether telling your DC about FC is "lying".

If stuff you read on here is affecting your real life, then you need to develop a thicker skin, or read MN less, or just "count your blessings"

"but most of the time it's just that we don't really want the in-laws in the equation"
Speak for yourself. I also really don't believe that family is ever superfluous.

Some MIL are completely and utterly out of order and having a daughter is never going to protect those people from their grown up children and their spouses taking issue with their behaviour.

There are always people on the MIL threads saying 'Actually, my MIL is lovely but my own mum ...'

well, yes, perhaps a thicker skin is needed

But I still feel that the amount of people beating their breasts about no daughters is putting the wind up people who were previously perfectly happy with a ds. And, as I said, that in tandem with the odious in-law threads makes one fear that only a Little House on the Prairie-style brood of dds will stave off a lonely old age.

What has a childs gender got to do with in-laws?

And I suppose it's also a question of validation.

If, say, you were one person with a weird predilection for something, you might sit in your house thinking you were alone. But go on the internet, and hey presto! hundreds like you. It's normal! You're normal!

So now this gender disappointment thing is the new problem that dares to speak its name - and encourages others to think they too must be afflicted.

I think the MIL issue is quite different from the feelings of parents who wanted a child of a particular gender and feel disappointed.

A lot of the MIL issues are, IMO (and watch me get flamed for this one...) to do with the shortcomings of male partners and husbands, and it all gets funnelled into the DIL and MIL at loggerheads (while the men are where, exactly? Surely they are the ones who should be dealing with any tension between their parents and their partner)

FWIW I have a better relationship with my MIL than my own mother (admittedly we start from a low base there). Both my mother and MIL have always been closer to their sons than their (stroppy ungrateful feminist) daughters.

maryz I do understand

it's also very hard when you have miscarried to see a friend carry a baby to term - it';s hard when you have lost your father to see a friend being walked down the aisle

but we don't demand that other people stop doing these things or expressing their feelings - other people's experiences and feelings are not less valid just because you think yours are worse!

I was wondering the same, Coalition.

there are just as many threads about posters own mothers I think so it's not about in-laws being superfluous.

if son disappointment is an issue, i'd like to state here and now that my son is a beautiful and lovely creature who is gentle and kind!

my oldest daugther...lovely, but not gentle or kind.

with the report her nursery just gave, daughter disappointment is more of an issue! though one created by RL, not MN.

My MIl ...Don't go there sister!

wags hand a la Ricki Lake show audience member<

yeah, but this is MN, we're just shooting the breeze most of the time.

I had gender disappointment when I was pg. I was having a girl; when I found out I was devastated. I had wanted a boy my whole life. The strength of my feelings of disappointment shocked me.

Of course, looking back, I can see that my brain was riddled with hormones, I would have had the depression regardless of the gender of the baby, but at the time it felt awful. The worst thing was, I was carrying a healthy baby, and knowing how may people in the world would love to be in that position made me feel incredibly guilty for feeling the way I did.

The only information I could access about Gender disappointment was from mothers expecting boys and wanting girls- this made me feel even worse.

Interestingly, my ante-natal counsellor said that a large proportion of the expectant parents she saw suffering from gender disappointment were those who had been infertile for many years, and had eventually conceived through IVF; they had held on to a dream of a (usually) baby girl for so long, that when they conceived twin boys they were devastated.

It is almost taboo to discuss it- I could never tell anybody how disappointed I was, it seemed so ungrateful. I have posted about it a few times on MN, but tend to try and avoid the gender threads as it is a very emotive subject.

Of course, now my DD is nearly 2 and although she is not a boy, neither is she 'a girl'- she's an Angie and I love her more than life itself.

Meh. What do you want anyone to do about it? Gender disappointment happens, people want to talk about it. You can't ban them. Chances are that any thread about it on here will get a mix of replies saying "Oh yes I know just how you feel", "Get over yourself", "I've got it much worse because I've got 15 sons and no daughters", "Count your blessings", "Oh but daughters can be so bitchy I wish I had sons instead", etc, etc, etc...

Anyone who thinks they are "normal" after reading an MN thread must have a split personality!

maryz - Boys have MiL too though. And it is far more traditional for them to complain about them.

Just a thought, these awful MILs, did they not have daughters themselves & are taking that out on their DILs?