I'll never have a daughter. Now get over it!

[Dizzii]

Hello

I have just joined mumsnet today as over the last few days I have suddenly become overwhelmed with emotion almost like a grieving for the daughter I will never have.

I really need to let the emotion out and don't feel able to talk to anyone about it. I'm 42 married and have three boys, 13, 11 and 8. I accidently got pregnant at the beginning of last year and had an early miscarriage. We haven't tried to have more children because of practical and financial reasons but I have always been sad not to have a daughter.

I couldn't love my boys anymore and wouldn't love a girl anymore than I love them but I have dreamed all my life having a daughter and the relationship we would have. Suddenly my boys are all becoming much more independent and I have so little in common with them as they are all so into computer games which I just find so sad.

I happily gave up on having a career and became a SAHM and for the last 3 years have worked 2 nightshifts a week at the local Tesco. I do like my job but it is not fulfilling and is hard to lose 2 nights of sleep each week.

I guess that's enough for a first post just need to feel I am working through this so I can move on. Yesterday I saw a picture on the internet of someone called Lara. That was the catalyst for the first tears, as Lara was the name I had picked out for a daughter for more the 20 years now. Even before tomb raider was thought of.

Please don't think badly of me as I do realise how lucky I am to have the lovely family I have got.

"I have dreamed all my life having a daughter and the relationship we would have"

The thing is, though, you don't know what your daughter would be like or what sort of relationship you would have. You might have had a daughter who was incredibly different from you. I have many, many female friends who have nothing at all in common with their mothers and are not close to them, and never have been. In some ways I wonder if that can be worse than having a son who you don't have much in common with, at least then you can tell yourself the differences are due to gender.

You know you have a lovely family. And I'm sure your sons will outgrow the computer game obession phase in a few years!

I agree with minipie you can't know what your relationship would have been like. I'm not close to my mum. I've always been jealous of girls who say their mum is their best friend, but that was never the case with my mum and I.

And at the ages your boys are - well a girl would be getting independent too. ALL children grow up and start learning to look after themselves (if we've done our job properly as parents at least )

Is there anyway you could do some volunteering working with girls? Maybe that sounds a bit weird but you could possibly get fulfillment from volunteering that you don't get in your job and you can help young girls and women which might help with your feelings.

Maybe this is a rubbish idea.... sorry if it is.

Hello.... Didn't want to read and run....
I can totally relate to you. I have to beautiful amazing boys who I love more than anything in the whole world and have been thinking alot about having number 3.... Although I know there is no gaurantee that it would be a girl I think I'd live to regret not trying as I get older? that's not to say that I wouldn't be over the moon if it was a boy!
I feel tremendous guilt over feelings I cannot control. The moments that get me are thinking about the future and the role a mother plays in her daughters wedding day, or thinking about future grandchildren... I say this because my brothers and I all have an amazing relationship with my mum, but when I need help or am worried about the boys or have a question it's always my mum I go to...does that make sense? I guess I worry a bit that in the future if I'm lucky enough to become a grandparent that my fdil will quite rightly do most things with her own mum and ( hopefully me) but I guess there will be a limit? I'm sorry I'm waffling! I also wanted to say that I don't doubt your love for your sons as mine are my world .... And don't let anyone make you feel even worse than you probably do sometimes for having these feelings...

Oh, and also, I was told I would never have children, so my sons are an absolute blessing!! but you really can't help now and again wondering what if... it doesn't make you a bad person.

I'm not really sure if i can help you, but didn't want to leave your post unanswered.

I think women put so much store into having daughters because we fear that sons will marry women and move away from us and closer to their wives families. there is perhaps a feeling that daughters stay closer to their own mums, so you have them forever.

The thing is, there are no guarrantees. My aunt has 2 daughters, neither of whom speak to her. Your sons may remain incredibly close to you. I think you need to focus less on the gender of your children and more on them as people. A daughter could well be into computer games as much as your sons. There is nothing to say she would share the things that you like doing. i guess what I am saying (badly) is that their gender doesn't really matter - they are your children and that is the only thing that matters.

I think that you should try to focus on enjoying your children. Try to take an interest in what they like, even if it isn't what you like particularly.

I do understand and sympathise that you will always be curious about what a daughter would be like though.

Hello Dizzii, and welcome to mumsnet. What a brave first post this forum is a great place to say the things it is hard to say in real life, so it's great you have felt able to do so.

I'm sorry you are feeling down at the moment, and I can't really offer any great words of wisdom. I think a lot of us go through a sad/ reflective time when we realise we will not be having any more children. And of course as our children get older they seem to need us less whether they are boys or girls.

For what it's worth, I have a grown up son, and during his teenage years he was very much into his own stuff, and I didn't have a particularly active place in his life. But now he is in his twenties we have a very close relationship, and often go out for coffee/lunch/shopping together. So don't necessarily assume you won't have that kind of sharing relationship with your boys.

I'm sure no one will think badly of you, and being able to write it down will help you move on, - also nothing wrong with having a bit of a cry now and then to get things out of your system

Hope you are feeling a bit better soon

I can completely relate to you, I am a Mother of 2 (fabulous and gorgeous)boys and our family is complete so no more children here.
I sometimes feel sad that I will never have a daughter, BUT I am buoyed by the fact that my husband is very close to his Mother (I am the one who moved over 100miles to live in his home area). I am also going to be a fabulous Mother in Law. Have a look at MIL threads on Mumsnet for a "what not to do" guide.

You can't help how you feel, it is good that you are so honest about your feelings.

Hey Dizzi I haven't got much time to write a long post but I understand how you feel. I have 2 boys 7 and 3 and have always longed for a girl. I love my boys etc etc but I always thought I would have a girl - we are trying for another baby at the moment but it has taken me a long time to go ahead with this as I wanted to be sure that I just wanted another baby not to "try for a girl". It is such a hard thing to talk about with friends as I worry that people will think I don't love my boys which I do so much - I just would love a girl and don't understand why that is such a taboo thing to say? It doesn't mean I don't like boys? When I got my puppy it didn't mean I didn't like my cats? I think its strange. Girls and boys are different and I would love to experience both. If it doesn't happen for me I resign myself to thinking maybe I will get a granddaughter one day!
So you are not alone - I feel sad and lonely in my feelings on this - I don't think its strange to feel like this at all. It is often smug parents of both sexes who feel the need to express "oh how silly all children are a gift" b**x - like my sister in law. Clearly I know that I am very lucky - god it annoys me soooo much!

Nikki78 - That was a great idea! I mightuse it myself, thanks.

Agree that you can't make assumptions about what your relationship with a daughter may have been like. My father has me and two sons. He is into football and fishing. Neither of my brothers are remotely interested. He goes to the football and fishing with my DH - his son-in-law!

I'm sorry that you feel this way. I have three daughters and will never have a son. Doesn't bother me but I think it would have been nice for DH.

One day, hopefully, you will have daughters-in-law and maybe a grandaughter and I will have sons-in-law and maybe a grandson!

Dizzii, is it because you had a great relationship with your own mother and want to experience it from the other side, so to speak?

I am one of three. I have two brothers. My youngest brother is by far the closest to my mum. my younger brother (nearly 30!) and my mum have really special bond. I am not envious at all and have never been. Where I find my mum irritating he finds her hilarious. Their bond, is tender - loving and full of companionship. I am very much a loner, always have been - and if I do have a problem I will speak to DH, then friends and finally mum. Thats just the way I am. I do adore her though!!

You don't need to have a daughter to have that communicative sharing bond - I think the 'dream' of the mother-daughter bond can play havoc on our relationships.

'Suddenly my boys are all becoming much more independent and I have so little in common with them as they are all so into computer games which I just find so sad.'

This can be as true with girls too, teenage girls are very independant and as likely to go off and have a career miles away.

Nothing wrong with wondering what your daughter may have been like and the loss of the potential good relationship that could have been if you had a girl but it is a fantasy, you may not have been close at all.

At the end of the day you have 3 children which is a blessing. (I am certainly not a 'smug mum of both sexes' as someone above described, yes i now how both but went through many miscarriages and 2 stillbirths, after that gender seemed irrelevant.)

I think lots of us can understand your feelings, but at the same time minipie and others are spot on: there is absolutely no guarantee that your dd and you would have had the kind of relationship you dreamt of.

I am totally different from my mum and probably very different from the idea she had of a daughter (looking at the early pictures, before I got old enough to impose my own personality, I'd say she probably had something rather more feminine in mind). It is true that we get on very well and have shared interests, but she actually shares even more with my younger brother, since they have even more interests in common. And the feminine thing proved a complete red herring: the things we do share and the areas we do meet have nothing to do with gender. We are just not very like each other as women, though we have a lot in common professionally. And out of her 4 children, her only daughter is the only one who has moved away and settled in a different culture. My children are the only grandchildren she has not seen grow up. My brother's children she sees every day.

I would say that dd is also very different from me, I am more like ds in many ways. I find her very interesting and great fun, but it's certainly not because I can understand her reactions from within. Much easier to understand ds.

You are so lucky to have three beautiful boys and I think that some of the comments are absolutely true that you cant guarantee what sort of relationship a daughter would have with you. I certainly have a much better relationship with my father than with my mother.

That said, it absolutely doesnt make you a bad person and I can understand your feelings. its incredibly brave of you to post this.

I had ten years of infertility, and seven IVF attempts before finally getting pregnant and I had always imagined a daughter. At the 20 week scan, I was told I was having a boy and was completely excited and happy to have any healthy baby. Despite this I felt sad looking a girls things in the shops then felt really terribly guilty because I was so lucky to be having any baby at all and darent discuss it with anyone. I had a c-section this Feb and it turned out to be a girl (trainee day at the scan?)after all.

I hope that your sons all end up with lovely DIL for you and maybe you will have lots of granddaughters to spoil.

I always assumed I would have a boy but have 2DDs. Am I disappointed? No, just grateful for what I have. After 3 years of believing I would never have children, my 2 are my blessings. I think a lot of people with boys are unrealistic as to expectations re what girls are like. The number of people who tell me I am lucky as my daughter is MUCH easier than their son, how do they know? They just make assumptions that are based on nothing. BTW I love buying clothes for my nephew as I think boys clothes are much cuter.

Also, my brother was the one who always confided in our Mum and had the very close bond with her. I just wanted her to keep her nose out and leave me alone!

I feel for you on behalf of my MIL. She lost a daughter (a few days old) before having my DH. They have never really got over it as much as my PIL both adore their son. But yes, there are other female relationships you can have. I'll never forget the moment we called my PIL to tell them we had just got engaged, my MIL said "Oh - a DAUGHTER". And that is just the relationship we have. She does not replace my own mother in any way, they're very different people, but I know that my MIL loves, trusts and respects me, and vice versa, and I really treasure the relationship I have with her.

Thanks for all the replies. It's very complicated isn't it? I really have never thought that the mother daughter relationship would be perfect and harmonious that isn't what I long for. I'm sure the relationship would have been quite spirited at times. Female emotions are often more complex than males. My boys so unconditionally love me I couldn't ask for more, even my teenager!

I have a fab relationship with my mum but she was an older mum with five children, me being the fourth (probably the easy one) and the fifth having downs syndrome. She was always lovely but didn't have a lot of time for me. So I think maybe I have always wanted to give time and attention to a daughter of my own that I would have liked as a child.

I think my current feelings are not just about not having a daughter but accepting that my family is complete and my child bearing days are now over. We did this after my last son as a couple but I have always had in the back of my mind that this may change, who knows after a lottery win or something.

I am someone who likes my own company but also likes the company of others. I live away from family. My closest friends have moved away now and to be honest I have totally neglected my social life over the years. I realise I need to move on improve my social life. Work towards a more fulfilling work life. I think I just need to accept my feelings and allow myself to feel them ofcourse if I can use those feelings to help me find a new direction in life that will fulfill me all the better. Volunteering is something I have toyed with for a long time maybe now is the time to go for it.

I could go on and on the more I think about it the more complicated it seems but thanks to all who have posted.