To not want to commit to leaving my baby overnight.

[Porcelain]

DS is 6 weeks old. He is exclusively breastfed, and I intend to keep that up. I'm fairly into the attachment parenting model, in that he is rarely out of my sight, and often in my arms. DH is very supportive of this, however...

In January, when DS will be 5 months old, there are some concerts going on of a band DH would really like to see, and would like me to go with him. I think this would be nice, but we have a baby to deal with, so not practical. DH wants to leave the baby in the care of some friends (not particular friends, hypothetical ones) overnight so we can go.

I am not happy with this idea for several reasons. Firstly I will still be BF, so there are issues with getting him fed, and engorgement. I am also not sure at this time, how I will feel about leaving him by that point, if I had to decide a week before, I could deal with it, but this far in advance I can't say whether I would be happy to leave him or not, from my own perspective. Also I can't think of any of my friends who would be suitable, so it would have to be DH's friends who I don't know that well and I am not sure I trust his judgement on who is suitable. Then there is DS, surely he would be scared stupid if he woke in the middle of the night and there were only strangers (to him) there? Especially when I am usually only a grumble away for him. The best option he has offered is my parents, but they are a couple of hours drive from the nearest venue, and they are getting on a bit, and DS will only have met them 3 or 4 times by then. Lastly, I think it is a big burden to put on any but your closest, most willing friends, I once looked after a friends 6 week old so she could have a night out and it was a nightmare, the baby clearly missed her mum and screamed the place down all night - I don't think I could ask that of someone.

I suggested that maybe we could go to the nearest city, and stay in a hotel for the night, we could have a meal early evening, DH could go to the concert with some friends (I'm really not bothered about going) and I could stay back with the baby, maybe do some stuff around town the following day. He's OK with this but clearly not happy because he says he wants to go to the concert with me.

I had a feeling when I was pregnant that DH had some optimistic ideas about how our social life, going clubbing etc was going to resume post baby, and it seems he really does think that we can dump the baby with someone and go off for the night. AIBU to think this really isn't how parenting works? He kept suggesting we went to the cinema when DS less than a month old (with baby, we would have been popular...) To be honest it's a bit of a relief as I have never been much of a socialite anyhow.

So am I being PFB? I have never really cared for a 5 month old, so I have no idea what he would be like by then.

I don't think you're being PFB, I didn't leave DS overnight until he was 7mo (I could have done if I'd wanted, but I just didn't want to. I wasn't BFing by then either, it was just my choice)

I certainly wouldn't have left him with anybody other than family or a very close friend (still don't actually)

At 5mo he may still be waking several times in the night (sorry!) and may not settle with someone else..

If you don't want to go, then don't :)

Which band is it [nosy]

A 5 month old baby is pretty settled, they often sleep through, and can be left with some expressed milk for a night-time feed. Rather than starting with a full overnight stay, however, work your way up to it gently. Get used to the idea of babysitters.... work out how to incorporate the feeding etc. Leave for a few hours to begin with and you'll feel more comfortable about the whole thing. It's important for your adult relationship to make time for yourselves as a couple. And it's important that your entire world doesn't solely revolve around baby... they have to fit in with you occasionally.

Well, I've left my DS (now 2.5Y) 4 nights... and 2 of those were while I was in hospital having DD so I dont think you are being unreasonable at all... BUT....

I am now going through the mother of all battles with DS as he doesnt like being left with anyone other than me, so find it hard to make any plans (not just overnight... even going out for an hour is hard enough) unless my DH is about.

So, while I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, I do think it would be worth considering if there is someone you TRUST with the baby then a night out with your DH might not be a bad thing.

I wouldn't leave mine until they were much older, in fact about 2 years older.
Don't leave him if you don't want to.
Trust your instincts.

You're not being PFB and even if you were, it doesn't matter - if you're not comfortable about it, you're not comfortable. Tell your DH that no, sorry, you won't be going to the concert with him.

But what you can do is what chil123 suggested - find a babysitter (not yet, but say in a couple of months) and go out for a couple of hours just so you get used to the concept of going out, IYSWIM. Nurserys are a good place to find good babysitters - often the staff will babysit in the evenings, and they're qualified and reliable. Then build it up from there.

i think i left DD1 for the 1st time when she was 6 months, but she was FF, and sleeping through the night by then, and it was in our own house, the inlaws stayed over.

I have a similar dilemma, i am supposed to be going on a hen do in dec when DD2 will be 5 months. I optimistically said i could go, but going by the way DD2 is at the moment and the fact she won't take a bottle, i think i might have to pull out.

Tell DH there will be plenty of time for nights away together when DS is a bit older, but if right now is a bit soon for you then don't do it.

I would get the tickets, and if it comes to it and you don't want to leave your DS your DP can always take a friend instead.

If you do leave him with someone else, trying giving the babysitter a shirt you've been wearing that day. It will smell of you and be reassuring to your DS that he's not been abandoned.

I think that you are not being pfb. I would not leave my baby with people that he/she didn't know very well either. Perhaps you could spend more time with your parents so that you do, at some point in the future, feel okay about your baby staying with them, occasionally. At some point you will want to go out and it would be helpful to you if you had someone you could trust to take care of your baby sometimes.

Wrt bf, by about 5 months this will be established and you should be okay to express milk to cover time away. You should only do that if you are happy with the idea though.

I think your DH has to be realistic. He chose to have a baby (I'm presuming you didn't get pg all by yourself), so he has to accept the limitations that having a child brings.

Gosh, my DD at 5 months was still waking up multiple times a night. We did have a night out - till 1 am! - when she was 5 months, but we had a friend who she was very familiar with stay at our house to look after her.

I first left my pfb overnight when he was 8 months, but that was at our house with his nanna staying over, someone he sees at least once a week and is very close to. Even then he refused milk the whole time we were gone.(He was bf and suddenly started refusing bottles.)
Can you not just buy the tickets with a friend in reserve to go with your DH if closer to the time it seems a bad idea and start building up to a babysitter you can trust and knows your son well, maybe for an hour in the day to start. six weeks is far too early to make this decision as so much will change in the next few months.

yanbu in the slightest. My DD is almost one and I wouldn't contemplate even leaving her overnight with grandparents until she is a few years old. Also because I work full time what time I do get to spend with her is precious

Not being unreasonable at all, some things just can't be the same after having baby. Easiest way to start would be to go out for evening, not whole night and do that a few times with same person/people before trying whole night. Or go to things separately. My ds is 5 and has never been away overnight from both DP & I, but I am very PFB !!

YANBU if you had close family to hand who DS knew and was used to that would be one thing.

Don't leave hime if you don't want to. I wouldn't have dreamed of leaving either of mine.

yanbu to feel this way but I do think that you might want to start thinking about strategies that will allow you and your DP to have time out together. Its really important that you try to keep some semblance of the relationship you had pre baby. I think your idea of going to stay in a hotel near the venue is quite a good one if you don't feel comfortable leaving your DS. Its all really up to the individual. I and DP have each spent several nights away from DS from quite early (he's 13m now) but not at the same time just because we thought it would be unfair on the grandparents if he did wake. He slept through from a very early age though and was mix fed so could have easily been given a bottle. Up to a point trust your instincts but do think ahead to what kind of life you want to be able to have. After the first few months, on the whole, things are easier the earlier you introduce them.

YANBU. Most of the answers here are very sensible, but at the end of the day its up to you and how you feel.

I dont have any family close by and have to rely on friends for babysitting. Not that I ever go out. But if I did...
I would never ask them to take my baby overnight this young. When DS1 was little I went out overnight once when he was 5 mo for a hen night stopover and had to leave at 5 in the morning because my boobs were massive, leaking and killing me. I left him with DH. At this age he'd never been with anyone else but me and DH and theres NO WAY I'd leave him with a stranger. (A stranger to him I mean, not me or DH)

I'm a bit less worried about DS2, but thats only because now I have a network of friends and he knows them (he's 10 months now) I still wouldnt have left him alone at 5 months. He's a rotten sleeper and even though hes bottle fed now I wouldnt put a friend or DS2 through that.

Theres nothing wrong with starting to try DS on bottles of course (I mean with expressed milk if you can manage it - always took me about a week to express enough for one bottle!) to prepare him for occasions where you may not be there.

Believe me you wont enjoy the concert if you're fretting, and you will be by the sounds of it. Work up to an overnighter if you can gradually, by leaving him for an evening out, first with DH, then with others, but I think this is way too soon for both of you to leave him overnight.

Thanks ladies.

It's The Cult Jareth.

I have left him for an hour or so with DH and I feel like I am missing an arm when I am out without him.

He takes expressed bottles very well, possibly too well. The first time I went out I left 4floz which he guzzled in minutes then proceeded to scream the place down until I got back to a very frazzled DH, the second time I left 6floz and he did the same! I know my milk flows very fast (I can express 8floz in under 15 mins) so I am quite intriged as to how much he actually drinks! I have taken to randomly expressing every couple of days when I feel full but a feed isn't imminent so I can build up a stock in the freezer for emergencies.

Anyhow, I'm glad I'm not being completely clingy, DH seemed to think I was being a bit nuts, but he doesn't have any experience with babies other than DS.

I don't think that you are being PFB about it, the fact is that you don't know how you will feel about it at the time, you might be fine (and then kicking yourself that you don't have a ticket), or not be fine. Most babies are pretty settled at 5 months - certainly v different to a 6 week old. Like someone else has said (if the tickets aren't too ruinously expensive) I would buy them and see how you feel nearer the time and if you don't want to go sell the ticket or tell DH to take a friend.

I have 3 DCs all of whom were bf. I left all of them for the odd night here or there (e.g. weddings) pre 6 months (earliest was at 3 months), although that was with my Mum, so slightly different from your situation). I left a stock of expressed milk and took the pump with me so I could pump and dump at the usual feed times and avoid engorgement or any supply issues.

YANBU mine were far older when i left them overnight (3)

Porcelain, are you me?

You're describing a very familiar scenario that's all? Right down to the fast-flow milk!

My DH did something very similar - wanted me to commit to a do round Christmas. Now, bear in mind that my DD will be 10 months by then, not 5 and my first, gut reaction was still 'heck, no!'.

It took me till last week to leave my DD with my mother for a few hours, and I spent the whole evening clinging to my mobile in case it rang.

YANBU and you need to explain your feelings to your DH. At the very least, ask him what his plans are for getting you home quickly if it all goes pear-shaped.

I'm (tentatively) going to the Christmas bash, but my brother is staying at ours, he knows DD very well, and we'll be home in the early hours - and my nerves are still tingling at the thought of being away for that long, despite having micro managed planned every aspect of how we're getting there, back and how we'll be contactable!

The other thing to mention to your DH is, is he going to be annoyed at you for checking your phone every ten minutes if you do go - because you will!

If you're not that bothered, I'd perhaps be giving this one a miss. There'll be other concerts!

How times have changed. I have never heard of attachment parenting. But I left my DS at 3 weeks (with grandparent) for an evening bash one New Years Eve. I left a five month and a 2 year old with grandparents (fit able and brilliant with kids) for a weekend while we went to a wedding. (that was probably my years babysitting as they live 250 miles away).

YANBU - I didn't leave DS overnight until he was 17 months and wouldn't have wanted to. He was waking up twice a night at 5 months.

When we did leave him overnight that first time (child free wedding many miles from home) we paid for my parents to stay in a hotel nearby. I didn't want to be hours away if he was very upset. In the event all was fine.

Why not go for the evening and then come back to him afterwards? Or your alternative idea about the hotel and DH going with his friends sounds good.