To think we create the realities for our children?

[Cortina]

Do we run a risk of holding back our children by projecting our fears and insecurities onto them?

A friend of DS has been offered a good part in the school play. His Mum said 'I am not going to let him do it, he wouldn't enjoy it. Not his thing, he's shy'.

I don't know the back history but this little boy plays football with DS and is a lovely, cheeky, friendly little boy and seems more than capable to me of taking on a part in the school play.

It's got me thinking whether we construct our child's destiny/future path rather more than I had realised.

Conversation amongst the Mums is peppered with 'Lydie's no good at Maths, not her thing'. 'Tony can't draw for toffee. He'll never make an artist. 'You get the picture.

Who says? The kids are 6 for goodness sake. Give them
a chance and keep your personal views to yourself, they could be damaging.

YANBU.

I look forward to the day when my son says "STOP dressing me in fucking animal clothes - I fucking hate animals!".

YANBU but I think most parents are already aware of it.

twopeople - what a lovely thing(s) you are teaching your daughter!

I guess what is why it is important that kids get exposed to a whole range of role models (of both sexes) who can help broaden the range of options for life decisions that they get from home.

Absolutely.
But I am trying not to let my own fears guide what I let them do. It is hard though, as this means I sometimes lose the perspective of what real risk is, for example in mountain climbing terms, or offroading down hillside. I would step off and walk the bike down, because I am a wuss. So I dont encourage them to do either. I let them ski from the highest part of the mountain, although I am not a skiier, because I hope dh can judge their skillslevels.

Yes, absolutely. The only thing that reassures me is seeing how some children can take their destinies into their own hands and create their parents' reality. My db and SIL went from "oh, we wouldn't want him to play football, it's so rough" to "of course everybody needs to do sports to be a rounded individual" in approximately 18 months and that was entirely their son's doing. Shall we say that he is a pretty determined young lad

When he was 4, his mum insisted on him having a lie down if he grazed his knee (I jest not!), by the time he was 10 he was doing some pretty rough sports.

Agree twopeople & second that you sound like you are doing an amazing job- we can still learn these things as adults too, it isn't too late.

I know when I moved away from my parents it was a huge period of growth for me. Mine are lovely, and have always meant very well, but are VERY controlling.

OP, I hope you told your friend that she was being unreasonable? Poor lad will be gutted to not be in the play :(

Fab thread.

I am very aware of this, particularly since I had my second DC. I think we tend to give them labels- "DS1 is creative and a softie, DS2 is a boy's boy." I try not to do this, as I think that most people tend to fulfill their parents' image of them IYSWIM. I certainly have- I was the "clever one", and have only recently realised that my sister is just as, if not more, clever than me.

An old friend used to tell her daughter to stop running 'in case you fall over!'

Yes, following what Bessie said, my mum always said that my brother was "the artistic one", I was "the clever one" and my sister was "the sensitive one". My sister is probably cleverer than me but has no confidence, and absolutely refused to even try painting or drawing. :(

There's a fine line between putting your child in a challenging situation and being 'pushy'. There's an equally fine line between being realistic about a child's limitations and being 'over-protective'. The mum in question probably got it wrong on this occasion, same as we all get it wrong in different ways. I don't think anyone deliberately sets out to damage their child...

I think better than to just encourage blindly, is to encourage more where you think they are bad at something. So because x thinks DS is shy that should be more reason for him to be in the play not less.

True, Chil, I got things badly wrong when dd was little: I was so anxious not to give way to my convictions that dd was less physically capable than her mates that I didn't feel I could stop her from going on the climbing frame that my friends assured me was perfectly safe. The problem was, dd was less physically capable. She did not regain consciousness for several hours and the consultant was seriously concerned

So yes, fine balance indeed.

Bessie, I couldn't agree more re: the self fulfilling prophecy you describe. That's why I get so uptight about stagnant ability setting in the very early years.

I've known brothers who have shaped their whole lives through their parents projected ideas. The one that wasn't 'clever' left education at 16, was too fragile to drive a car and so on. The reality, it seems to me, is that they are both very similar. The parents are v odd though.

Loopyloops - indeed I did tell her but she is adamant. Why stress him out when we don't need to, he is shy etc? I said let him try, the school/teachers obviously think he's capable. Also trotted out my usual 'what's the worst that could happen' :).

SwallowedAfly - they say you should always praise the effort and not the 'cleverness' of a child. The danger is a child that sees themselves as 'clever' may seriously doubt themselves when faced with an inevitable area of challenge.

Bessieboots, I've been very guilty of labelling my son, I know, it's so easy to do.

I've noticed that 'positive' families, in other words those 'half full' type of families that are upbeat and see the good in most people and situations have children that go on to thrive. Maybe that's obvious? But it wasn't to me. My wider family is 'realistic' about things (read pessimistic but they don't realise it). :)

Ooh, I'm the opposite. I tell DS that he is good at everything, so I'm probably setting up for as big a fall as the parents who belittle their children's efforts

Interesting you mention driving, I've known otherwise incredibly intellectually smart and 'sporty'/great hand eye co-ordination people comment on what a hard skill it is to learn.

Mind you, I spent years trying to push my children (and ending up in A&E) before I found out that there actually are essential bits missing and there are probably things they never will do.

Of course, I was also projecting: projecting the idea that a brisk approach to parenting will make my children be like everybody else and that as anything else would prove that I wasn't a brisk and no-nonsense enough parent,that just couldn't be allowed to happen...

Unfortunately, I probably have damaged my children, not just emotionally but physically: have been told that there probably is longterm damage due to overpushing. But you do your best...