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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to allow my three-year-old

28 replies

eventide · 29/09/2010 21:23

into the bathroom alone?

She still needs help onto the loo so I have to help her with that but I have a massive fear of her drowning in the toilet/bath and am dreading her not needing me with her. Friends of mine with kids who are potty trained seem to let them go alone which makes me think IABU.
I also cringe when she plays with toys with small bits that she could choke on.

I suffer with anxiety and panic attacks mostly about my kids safety so I am quite willing to take it on board if IABU.

OP posts:
FerminaUrbinoDaza · 29/09/2010 21:30

Sorry but, yes, objectively YABU. I'm sure it doesn't feel like you are.

Are you receiving any help with the anxiety and panic attacks?

hester · 29/09/2010 21:32

I'm not sure that AIBU is the best place to post this, eventide. You say you suffer from anxiety about your kids' safety; are you getting some effective help with this?

FWIW, I think 3 year olds need supervision in the bath. They don't need supervision on the loo (unless to make sure they've wiped properly, washed their hands etc). The risks of drowning in, respectively, bath and loo are quite different, aren't they?

But the important thing here is your massive fear and your reluctance for her to develop independence. How do you think you can move forward with reducing this anxiety?

backwardpossom · 29/09/2010 21:33

What Fermina said.

PandaEis · 29/09/2010 21:34

i would say YABU as she needs some independence.

echoing what fermina said, have you looked into help/counselling for the panic attacks??

i wouldnt worry though as give it a year or so and she may well be like my DD and demand you sit in the bathroom with her to 'talk about animals/babies/school etc'Grin

JaynieB · 29/09/2010 21:36

You're not totally U. I let my DD in the bathroom to an extent by herself, but I am nearby and if she's a while I go and see what she's up to.
There are hazards in there and it's always good to be aware of that - but not to the point of it giving you anxiety OP.

moominmarvellous · 29/09/2010 21:42

I allow DD in alone and she's 3, although I sometimes think I might no worry enough. One of her favourite games for a while was playing with three little candle pots on the windowsill, she had to stand on the closed loo seat to play that game......Blush She never fell.

However my main logic is that I don't keep any cleaning products or medicine type things in there/where she could possibly get to, so unless the floor was wet, in which case I wouldn't allow her in there, she'd be no more likely to come to ham in there than anywhere else.

Also I'm trying to get her to take herself to the toilet without me as we have baby 2 on the way and there might be times when i can't get there quickly enough - now she's prepared!

moominmarvellous · 29/09/2010 21:43

ham Blush I meant harm

Original poster
eventide · 29/09/2010 21:44

I am getting help. I'm on medication and having CBT which has helped a bit. My therapist has suggested taking DD for swimming lessons which she thinks might help with my fear which will be hard for me but I'm going to take her. I try not to let my fears hold her back - there are so many situations were I have to fight my natural instincts so she can have more freedom - she was still on reins until a couple of weeks ago.
I posted in AIBU cos I knew I would get replies and people wouldn't pussyfoot around. I will be v.disappointed if someone doesn't call me a cunt Grin

OP posts:
FerminaUrbinoDaza · 29/09/2010 21:51

cunt Wink

I'm glad you're getting some help, it's so worth all the effort. Swimming lessons sounds like a good idea.

FlyingInTheCLouds · 29/09/2010 21:52

what a cunt you are Grin

JaynieB · 29/09/2010 21:54

Hope you enjoy your swimming - my DD is 3 too and I've started taking her recently (she wasn't keen on getting wet as a baby so I've left it until now) and she loves it and its really nice seeing her have such fun.

FlyingInTheCLouds · 29/09/2010 21:56

swimming lessons will help - if you want to be a bit neurotic it is far safer for her to know how to swim than not.

ballstoit · 29/09/2010 22:01

Get her to sing you a song while you stand outside the bathroom. Then you know she's ok and you are letting her gradually increase her independence.

Oh, and well done for getting help with the anxiety.

hellymelly · 29/09/2010 22:02

Maybe I'm neurotic too,I have a three year old too,and I hadn't worried about her drowning in the loo,but now I think I will !!! I do however really worry about the bath and I won't let either of my dds (the other is 5)in the bathroom without an adult if the bath is running.she does sometimes go for a wee without me but usually wants me with her still.I think yanbu,but perhaps because I am a fellow worrier!

ChippingIn · 30/09/2010 00:13

YABU - she needs to be able to go to the toilet by herself - she will be fine (presuming that you have put all cleaning chemicals/medicine out of reach - locked etc).

YANBU not to let her be in the bath by herself. I will go into other rooms to put washing away, get towels etc - but if they're aren't talking to themselves/toys etc I talk to them all the time so I can hear that they are OK.

I'm glad you are having therapy/taking meds - I hope you feel less anxious soon :)

plonker · 30/09/2010 00:18

Hmmm YABU not letting her go to the toilet - she needs a level of independance.

YANBU about the bath, IMHO.
If I ever leave my 3yo in the bath whilst I fetch a towel or put some clothes away, I get her to sing at the top of her voice. That way I know she's ok Blush Grin

...she likes it though Wink

Original poster
eventide · 30/09/2010 08:38

She's quite short for 3 and was pretty late with all the motor skill type things so she still can't get on and off the toilet even with her step but she can wipe, flush and do her hands fine so once she's mastered that I might try just loitering on the landing and see how I go.
Daddy tends to do bathtime cos it's the only time he gets to see the kids in the week before their bedtime so I can't see her getting to do that on her own anytime soon. Also she has an 8-month-old brother so leaving them even to get a towel isn't really an option.
Thanks for all the replies ladies (and possibly guys?) and keep them coming - it helps to know how "normal" people behave!

OP posts:
winnybella · 30/09/2010 08:43

YABU wrt the drowning in the loo, but YANBU not leaving her in the bath.

ShowOfHands · 30/09/2010 08:44

My 3yr old would chuck you out of the bathroom and tell you to stop hovering. In fact she would lock you out. Grin She has been taking herself to the loo for about a year. But that's her personality. Is there's a remote chance she can witheringly tell you she doesn't need help, then she'll manage it.

I do leave her in the bath sometimes but am only in the kitchen (about 4 feet away, can see her and she sings/plays/chats). She gets in and out of the bath herself etc.

I'm glad you are getting some help. Smile

Tortington · 30/09/2010 08:47

yabu.

cory · 30/09/2010 08:54

You would not be unreasonable about the bath if there was water in it: it is true that 3yos need a level of supervision in the bath. But no child can drown in an empty bath and it is unlikely that she would actually be able to draw a tubfull without you noticing. SO unless you leave the bath permanently filled with water, your fears are unreasonable.

About the toilet, I think we all agree that you are unreasonable. It really would take a lot of effort to drown yourself in a toilet.

But you already know that you have a problem and you are getting help, which is all to the good. CBT can be very helpful.

The idea of hovering on the landing sounds really good. Basically, I think you are doing all the right things here: recognising that you do over-worry and trying to work out ways of overcoming it.

And if it is any consolation, I think child related anxiety often gets easier as they get older and show that they are competent.

EdgarAllInPink · 30/09/2010 08:58

My 3 year old also has probs with clothes - i don't think you are being U about that. unless you weren't trying to show her how to do it (in which case they'd never learn) ...tights are quite difficult for a littlie

the eventual aim is that they take themselves though

ballstoit · 30/09/2010 14:41

Eventide, can you tell me how you got referred to CBT? My GP constantly offers anti-depressants but zilch else. They make no difference, probaly cos I'm not depressed I am anxious IYSWIM.

Original poster
eventide · 01/10/2010 10:44

ballstoit my HV refered me cos I had PND even though, like you, it's 90% anxiety and if I can get that under control I don't think I'll be depressed at all. If you don't have an HV I would see a different GP and ask for a referral.
I am on Citalopram which is an AD but supposed to be good for anxiety. What were you given? Maybe they will try something else/adjust the dosage. You can get drugs specifically to help with the physical effects of anxiety but I don't think you can take them long term so it's better to address the problem iyswim.
There are long waiting lists for counselling in some areas so that may be why your GP is reluctant. In our area there is a mental health pop in session for 2 hrs were you can see the same people who do the CBT but you don't need an appointment which is good if you need support while your appointment comes through. Not sure if they do that everywhere though.
Theres a lot of self-help stuff you can do as well if you google "anxiety self help" there's some good sites. Exercise, eating well and cutting out caffeine can also be helpful.
Sorry for the essay!

OP posts:
Original poster
eventide · 01/10/2010 10:46

2 hrs a week that should say.

OP posts: