to want DS with me even if it means he'll miss out on a decent school?

[Tramadoll]

briefly:

Have three DCs. DS1 is 9, other DCs are 3 year old twins. DS1's biological father lives nearby. He sees DS every other weekend and one evening a week. Had to convince him to be involved in the early days (unplanned pg from slightly unhealthy FWB scenario), they are close now.

I am now married to a great guy who's been in DS's life since day one (he was my best mate), and considers DS his own son. DS calls him dad.

We all live in an area with good primary schools but absolutely rubbish secondary schools. DS's father said that if we settled in this area, where he already owned his home, he would pay half of private school fees when DS got to secondary school age (plan was we'd move before the twins got to secondary school).

We bought our flat. Market crashed, we are in huge negative equity, DH's industry shaky - we can't move for a few years at least.

DS's father got a girlfriend and decided they were going to move out of our city together. He said that he was going back on the agreement re: school fees and DS could either stay with me or he would pay for him to go to a fee-paying school wherever they settled (planning Manchester, near his DP's family).

I said no (and other choice words). He then suggested he and his DP buy in the home counties (we are all in London). He said they would move near good schools and suggested DS live with them in the week during termtime and attend school there.

I was pretty desperate by this point and said I would consider it. They started looking for houses. Then his DP left him. He went a bit mental TBH, very clingy with DS, started demanding more access.

That was a year ago. He maintains that he will move to the home counties near a good school and is expecting that DS will go with him.

I have pretty much no intention to go through with this. His ex DP was a nice girl who encouraged him to spend more time with DS and made massive changes to his lifestyle. Now she's gone he's back to barely leaving the house, he plays his consoles or is on the computer all the time. DS is given takeaways, they never go to the park or anything, it was a battle to get him to agree to take DS to his judo lessons on sat mornings.

But DH and I truly cannot move, plus the twins are all set to go to the (excellent), primary DS is at. We don't have a hope of paying any percentage of school fees and DS isn't bright enough to get into a grammar or get a scholarship.

The local secondary schools are utterly crap. But I think a stable loving home, help with homework, maybe we can get him help with exams going forward. I think it's better for DS than living with his bio father miles from everyone he knows and going to a good school.

At war with myself though because I went to private school (which I hated - but it did get me good results and a good job, same with DH). Can't stand the idea that I might be handicapping DS, but... he should be with his mum, dad and brothers, surely?

his dad seems rather unstable and his treatment of your ds seems dependant on whoever he is shagging at the time, so for that reason, your ds should remain living with you.

I could be cynical and say he wants the tax credits.

he earns ££££££, it's not about the tax credits - probably is about not wanting to fork out for school fees though.

I don't think him on his own is a good atmosphere for DS. Plus he's never had him for longer than two nights in a row in 9 years - DS living with him full-time aged 11 just seems too risky.

What do you mean by utterly crap?

I work in a secondary school with 52% a-c GCSE grades (incl English and Maths) and I thought that was bad until I looked at why. Background is a huge aspect - lack of stable background and English as a second language are the main issues. We also have brilliant kids who get As and A*s so as long as the opportunities are there at the school, you keep involved in your child's schooling and support him, in my opinion, he'll do better than being uprooted and insecure at a "brilliant" school.

Also, you could talk to him about the options and see how he feels. Try to be impartial and give him time and space to think about it - but only do this if you are prepared for him to choose either option!

Of course your DDS should remain with you. A stable family home is the best gift you can give a child. He will remain close to his siblings as well as his mum and the man who has brought him up.
Have you looked closely at all the schools in your area. Are they all that bad? I think comprehensives oftern get a bad rep but are usually filled with children just like your own son. The few 'difficult' children always get the local headlines though. Where are his friends from your DS's primary going?

You could always ask your ex to pay for extra tuition for your DS (would be cheaper than a private school and worth considering if you are really concerned about the quality of education).

I certainly wouldn't consider sending your child to live with an unstable sounding ex, not close to any of his old friends, away from his family and siblings.

No, YANBU.
You love your son, so does your partner. Your ex seems to view him as either a bargaining counter or a prize. Your DS needs to be with consistent people who love him far more than anything else in his life.
I've lived in a shit area as an adult and was privately educated as a child.
Please don't be in any doubt as to which choice you should make.

x posts. Agree with Tori regarding comprehensive schooling.

What does your son want to do?

Have you considered that if your ds isn't bright enough to get into a grammar school then he would possibly struggle at a private school anyway (even if he passed the entrance exam). The best ones often chuck kids our if their grades slip....

Haven't really asked DS as his father doesn't have this house in the HC yet and don't want to put pressure on him. He would cry and say he wants us all to live together, he is a sensitive soul.

Schools are pretty awful. Not just results but issues like drugs. I know on one level that there will be good teachers and good kids and it won't be dangerous for DS - but it is so different from what I experienced. My own parents (who sent me to selective fee paying school), think DS should go to his father's.

DS's father says he is moving to an area with good schools and if DS doesn't go with him there is no chance of financial help for tutoring etc as "I am offering a viable alternative".

If I express misgivings he calls me selfish.

Decorhate there are fee-paying schools which aren't massively intellectually rigorous - the one I went to was a real hothouse, horrible environment, awful pressure. Couldn't do that to DS.

He's a bright kid, ahead in all his subjects, but the competition for grammar and scholarships etc is insane - would cost thousands in tuition to get him in from a state primary.

We're in London and our local comps are, on paper, rubbish - but, as far as I can tell, the kids from our primary (decent secular state) do alright, they travel further to the better schools or, like somebody said, they jsut go to these rubbish schools and the bright ones do fine. Have you looked roudn them? I looked roudn our local 'rubbish' schoola dn was pleasantly surprised, particularly by the attitude of the head, plus the facilities etc.

I wouldn't get into the London private/grammar school system - like you say, the competition is insane, I know of 5 year olds being tutored for the 11+.

I personally think you would be mad allowing your DS to move in with his father given the baackground and current state - and his move to teh HC plan all sounds rather pie-in-the-sky.

TBH if the father cared enough he would pay for a school near you (if possible)

Only realistic local school is an academy. I have issues with them anyway but they are pushing vocational pathways. And (this is irrational), DS was surrounded by a group of the kids from this school and pushed around earlier this year. He was terrified.

I called the HT and he was rubbish, so I feel crap about that school anyway.

But DS's happiness is going to depend on a lot more than what school he happens to go to. I think?

I agree with you, happiness is so much more than just school choice. I really would check catchment etc though becasue I know the children round here travel all over the place for schools (SW London - you're not here are you? We're also near a dodgy academy).

It sounds like a very awkward situation, I hope it all works out for you.

It is clear from your posts that your ex is not really that interested in doing what is best for your ds. On that basis I think sending your ds to live with him is a bad move.

'He would cry and say he wants us all to live together, he is a sensitive soul.'

Well there's your answer then, don't even think about it, he won't do better in a 'good' school without the vital support of his mum and family, you can support him at the not so good school, and may find that it isn't too bad once he gets there.

Don't forget that if he's bright, he will be in the top sets and perhaps not mix with some of the trouble makers so much, sad as it is, the worst offenders aren't generally in the top sets.

Just a quick controversial thought, are you catholic? Any better catholic schools near you? I only ask as I know a lady who recently had her older children baptised specifically to get them into a good catholic school, and it worked they were given a place, I was rather , but they have their school place now.

staranise yeah, we're in SW London! Would travel but looks like they have massively tightened up catchment etc. Did some investigation and only real option is the academy as it was purpoise built to service our area.

'It is clear from your posts that your ex is not really that interested in doing what is best for your ds. On that basis I think sending your ds to live with him is a bad move'

Just wanted to say, I totally agree with this, if he really cared, he would be paying for a place near you.

Not catholic - there are good faith schools nearby but wholesale conversion not something we could swing at this stage.

He is using your son as an emotional crutch because he is very lonely, I suspect. Not ok. What area of London are you in? Sometimes the schools are not nearly as bad as their reputation suggests.

Could you rent your flat out and then rent somewhere near a better school until such time you could sell up and buy at your new destination?

Failing that I would say no to your DS living with his father. You need to make this clear to the ex soon though as it may dictate where he lives. Not sure how you can do this other than saying you want him to be with you as you would miss him too much. Bit tricky that one.If he gets the worst option school then put him on the waiting list for your preferred school.Its amazing how much things can change with school places.

Re: tutoring for 11+. I know 2 people in SW London who got into Tiffins and Sutton Grammar without private tutoring (just went through old papers at home) and from Primary schools so it can be done if you think your DS is up to it.

There are some good schools in SW, I thought?

Can't rent out our flat for enough to cover rent in a better area iyswim. Neg equity and other financial issues - wouldn't be fair to the other DCs who love their school. Would consider when they are 11 but hoping our situation changed by then (poss 6th form college for DS1 too).

Our local options are not good, the state schools we could get into are universally actually bad. Can't really go into more detail without giving our address but we seemed to have moved into a bit of a black hole. As v close to academy, LA will say DS must go there.

Gosh, it's Tiffin that the 5 year olds I know are being tutored for! No matter how bright my child, I would never hold out for a place there, it's just so sought after

I sympathise trama and think you might be very near me, if the truly terrible school begins with an E and the academy with an A - the philanthropist behind it is what puts me off, plus, as you say, the vocational aspect. They are also massively over-subscribed (1500 applicants for fewer than 300 places) so even getting in there isn't a cert. And we are otherwise surrounded by Catholic/single-sex (more for girls)/heavily assessed - all with absolutely no guarantee or even a likelihood of getting in and then what do you do if you have no school place and only months before yoru 11 year old is due to transfer?

Have you looked at the schools in Wimbledon and/or Ealing? I know local children who go to schools there - I think Wimbledon in particular has more choice. They're also building a new school in north Kingston. Where do the children at your school usually go to?

I think we will probably end up moving out but I have lots of friends staying who are banking on teh academy.