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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my older dds to play with their 3 year old sister sometimes?

23 replies

Dancergirl · 29/09/2010 17:10

I have 3 dds aged 9, 7.5 and 3.5. The older two are quite close and have been good playmates for a long time. They can argue quite a bit too but love playing together just the 2 of them.

The youngest is now old enough to play but she's often left out as the older two see her as a bit of a pain, she plays with stuff then they can't find it etc. When the older two aren't playing together they'll often read for ages (both keen readers) which is obviously great but quite a solitary activity.

I feel I spend the afternoons after school fielding dd3 away from her sisters so they can play/read in peace. But from dd3's point of view, she's missed them while they've been at school and wants to be involved. BTW she is at nursery and is starting to have friends of her own.

AIBU to expect them to play with the little one sometimes? Sometimes I ask them specifically to be met with complaints that they 'always' have to play with/look after her.

I just shouted at the older two today as they both accused me of having a favourite (dd3) which of course is rubbish and really hurt me as I do try very hard to be fair and spend time with each of them individually too.

OP posts:

alarkaspree · 29/09/2010 17:20

I think you're being a bit unreasonable, sorry. It must be a bit heartbreaking to see your younger dd being left out and I sympathise, but I can also see their point of view, that a 3 year old isn't going to be a valuable contribution to many older girls' games.

But I also think they could have fun playing with her if they give it a chance. Maybe you could try being a bit more specific about what you'd like them to do with her - e.g. 'could you help dd3 with her puzzle for 10 mins before you do x', rather than 'please would you let dd3 join in your game of y'? Also have you explained to them how much she misses them while they're at school? What about if you suggested they spend some time with her when they first come home, then they can do their own thing afterwards.

PixieOnaLeaf · 29/09/2010 17:20

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Message withdrawn

bigchris · 29/09/2010 17:23

Sorry but i too think yabu
they'll resent her if you force them to play with her
remember this is just a stage
it'll change quickly and the two younger girls might play together more, definitely when your oldest goes to secondary school
try to relax and enjoy things more

kansasmum · 29/09/2010 17:31

I don't think its unreasonable to want them toplay with her but perhaps not very realistic. I think the idea of getting them to play with for say 15 mins or so before they do what they want make work. And yes, explain that she ha smissed them while they''ve been at school.
I have 16 and 14 yr old dds and a 3 yr old boy and he always wants them to play with him when they get home. Sometimes they do and sometimes they won't- don't force it or the older ones will resent it- maybe find an activity you can ALL do together after school, like painting or baking or something? Your little one will feel like she is playing with her big sisters and the older ones won't feel like they are babysitting.

vbusymum1 · 29/09/2010 17:32

Yep, yabu, my DC4 is quite a bit younger than the older 3 and I don't expect them to play together. If they do its a bonus but I wouldn't force them to as it wouldn't be fair to anhy of them.

diddl · 29/09/2010 17:34

Yes YABU.

Perhaps invite a friend of hers for a couple of hours.

My sister & I are four & a half years apart & were never close until adults.

cat64 · 29/09/2010 17:35

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Message withdrawn

northerngirl41 · 29/09/2010 17:42

That's a big age gap - the only way I see it being bridged is if they have an activity they are all into - like maybe putting on a play where youngest DD gets to be the baby/have a small part. Or perhaps you could encourage them to play schools where the older ones teach her something?

To make them play with her or make them change what they want to do to include her is wrong and it'll only breed resentment.

minipie · 29/09/2010 17:53

I think it would be reasonable to explain to the older two that DD3 has missed them during the day, ask them to say hello and spend a few minutes with her when they come in. Remind them that their DS is interested in everything they do...

But I don't think you can expect them to want to play with her except very occasionally, sorry. My sister is 5 years younger and tbh there was very little we could do together growing up.

As they get older the age gap will seem less big and it may well be that there is something DD1 and DD3 are interested in that DD2 isn't, and so on - it won't always be "two and one".

MaMoTTaT · 29/09/2010 17:55

I have a very similar age gap (DS1 just turned 10, DS2 7 in November, DS3 was 3 in May).

I expect DS1 and 2 to play with DS3 (not all the time obviously) when they get home from school - and they do. And yes - I suppose they are my "babysitter" on frequent occasions.

OF course they get their time to do their own thing -but I actually don't think there's any reason why they can't when I ask them to. There are plenty of activities that DS3 can join in with that they all enjoy - and when they actually decide they're going to they all have a whale of a time.

frenchfancy · 29/09/2010 18:51

YANBU

In my mind everyone in the house contributes to the household "happiness". If that means the older 2 need to keep the younger one occupied for 30 minutes then so be it.

I have a slightly bigger gap than you, but the older girls are expected to help out with DD3 for a certain period.

PorkPieLove · 29/09/2010 19:48

I was that three year old! My two sisters were older than me by 10 and 5 years...so they ignored and tortured me for years!

Now we're all adults were very close...I learned to play alone...and when I was old enough wthh school friends...it's not like being an only child though..your youngest DD will grow up with the excitment and hustle and bustle of older sisters.

It was THRILLING for me when they got old enough to bring bofriends home! I was also lucky enough to benefit from their style advice! So by the time I began secondary school I had my own personal Trinny and Susannah!

garageflower · 29/09/2010 21:20

My little sister is 5 years younger (though I don't have any other siblings closer to me in age) and I loved playing school with her! I made up 'worksheets' for her to do and for me to mark, told her off for being naughty and all that kind of thing. It was all good-humoured. She loved the attention and I loved having someone to boss about/teach .

My mum did have to intervene sometimes when she'd been on the naughty step for a while though.....

Could they do something like this? Or are they a bit old? I can't remember how old I was when this was the height of fun to me!

ChippingIn · 30/09/2010 00:00

YANBU

It is not the age gap (me & mine are 4 years apart and played together all the time). If you only had one of the older ones and the younger one they would play together, it's the fact the older two have each other, so they don't 'need' your youngest one. I wouldn't let them leave her out all of the time. No way. I would sit them both down and tell them that DD3 misses them terribly when they are at school and looks forward to them coming home and it is cruel to ignore her and not allow her to join in their games and that you will not tolerate one person being ignored/let out within your family. Ask them how they would each feel if suddenly the other only wanted to play with DD3 and not them anymore. Ask them how they would feel if you and one of them and DD3 all played and would not allow them to join in.

YANBU no way, no how, no show....

ColdComfortFarm · 30/09/2010 00:09

Can see both sides. I think you need to acknowledge that it is a pain for them to play with a baby when they are tired, but also they need to help with the household tasks. Could you ask them to play with her to help you, perhaps with a reward? It is a chore for them and if you recognise and admit that, they might be more cooperative and feel less left out by your 'favouritism'. If you said, 'I know you are tired and would rather read, but X really loves you and misses you and needs a bit of time with you while I cook supper, so if you two entertain her, I'll have time to make (chocolate mousse/jam tarts) for supper and I will be very grateful. And after supper you can read in your rooms'. It's worth it because the more they willingly play with their baby sister, the better the relationship they have.

PinkieMinx · 30/09/2010 00:09

Agree with Chip but it may be unrealistic for it to happen all the time. Think they will benefit from empathising with their younger sister.

cory · 30/09/2010 10:25

Expect them to help for shorter specified periods but acknowledge that this is a job they do rather than part of their own leisure. ColdComfort's wording is perfect.

pinkthechaffinch · 30/09/2010 10:28

YANBU

if you ask them to play with her for specified periods of time-i.e while you are trying to get dinner ready.

I do this with DS (8)- he is sometimes expected to play with DD (20 months)-it's good for him- teaches him to be tolerant and kind.

HerbWoman · 30/09/2010 11:18

I would say the same as Chip too. I have a 4.5 year age gap between mine and they play together a lot (probably started playing proper made-up games when youngest was about 3 ish). If the older ones are chilling out and reading on their own then fine, but if they are playing then I would not like them to leave someone out as that is hurtful. I would sympathise with them that she is young and can be annoying when she loses their things, but they can help her learn how to join in.

Original poster

Dancergirl · 30/09/2010 22:12

Thanks all - some mixed views. I grew up effectively as an only child (much, much older sister who had already left home) so all this sibling stuff is new to me!

Problem is....I can totally see both points of view. Anyway we had a chat today when I had calmed down and I think they will try to include her a bit. Certainly not all the time, not even most of the time...just sometimes.

Dd3 is definitely my most challenging child - I find her much harder work and more poorly behaved than her sisters at the same age.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 01/10/2010 00:02

I'm not suprised she is poorly behaved to be honest - she is being treat horribly by her sisters - wouldn't you be unhappy & 'act out'? Not to mention that when you had your older two, the first was pfb and you had more time, the second was probably fun for the first and now you have one who is 'a baby' again while the others are more independent - you are meeting 2 (or 3) sets of needs - you probably don't have the same time/patience as you did before.

We all have to do what we think is right, I, however, would not let them 'make the rules' in the house and they would be including her a lot of the time - not occasionally when they deign to!

But hey - that's just me :)

Original poster

Dancergirl · 01/10/2010 12:58

Chippingin - thank you for your post and being so understanding. I totally agree with you about her behaviour. I have tried to explain to dds 1 and 2 that dd3 is their sister too but they often find her annoying and a pest. I know they do love her though as sometimes they think she's v sweet and can't give her enough cuddles! Especially dd1 who always has to kiss her goodnight.

I suppose it's just her age and I've told them that it will get better in time.

And you're so right about meeting different sets of needs, it's very hard.

OP posts:

leeloo1 · 01/10/2010 21:02

If you were on supernanny then she'd make you join in when they're playing together, so that you could show all 3 DDs how they could play together nicely. With you there to mediate then DD3 wouldn't be such a 'pain' to the bigger 2 and hopefully they'd start to accept her a bit more and want to play with her independently?!

Could you insist that they all spend 30 mins playing together per night, either with you there too or alone (depending on moods and how well you think it'd go)... then when they're all getting on better you'd get more free time?!

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