Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I possibly ABU...please tell me....

22 replies

Ladyanonymous · 27/09/2010 22:56

On an AIBU roll today....

Partner and I have 6 kids between is with 4 ex's (am not asking for judgements).

I have my (3) kids for Xmas and we will possibly have one of his.

New Year its my kids access weekend but my "turn" to do New Year so the plan is their dad will pick them up on New Years Day giving bhim the night free Hmm.

Partner wants to have two of his kids for that weekend too - hence meaning my kid free weekend after a hectic xmas will be taken up with yet more kids.

Thing is its our first anniversary on New Years Day and I really wanted to celebrate and was looking forward to be able to and not have any kids (his would not get a bbsitter). Hes said if I don't want to have the kids then he'll go to his mums 300 miles away.

I know IABU because he won't see two of his kids over xmas but I just feel really upset that I'm not going to have any time "off" from being a single mum (we don't live together as hes in the forces) and will have to spend a weekend which was going to be a special time cooking and cleaning..... Sad

OP posts:
iamamug · 27/09/2010 23:01

YANBU to want some special time with him but a bit U to expect it! With so many kids between you - not to mention exs to negotiate with, I am amazed you get any time at all.. I only have one DSS and the long winded toing and froing over holidays and christmas drove us mad over the years. He is an adult now and where he goes is up to him but he still takes it in turns!!

PeterTong · 27/09/2010 23:03

actually much respect to him, he is putting his children before you, and to me, that is bloody fantastic and it really shouldnt be any other way.

you should really suck it up, and get pissed when they are in bed

Northernlurker · 27/09/2010 23:04

With 6 children and complicated lives to manage I don't think child free time off is much of an option for you at the moment tbh. Having his kids with him is clearly hugely important to him - as it should be and if you put yourself in the way of that you will only hurt yourself I think. Could you go out with the kids for dinner - how old are they?

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 27/09/2010 23:05

I think what has upset me is that being together for a yr means a lot to me and he does not want to get married again so its the only anniversary we'll have and on the phone tonight he said "its not our anniversary anyway its not like we're married" Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 27/09/2010 23:08

3 and 5 and they are lovely but not very erm "disciplined" and a little destructive so dinner is not an option.

I know I am being selfish I guess with him in the forces his time is always split 500 ways and that one day I wanted to be special and he has made no effort to suggest we could do something else and never ever cooks.

OP posts:
onlyjuststillme · 27/09/2010 23:15

LADY my DP was the same (our anniversary was NYE!), never anted to get married, never wanted to celebrate our anniversary as was not a 'Proper' anniversary. I used to get very upset that he didnt feel like we should celebrate the achievement of the amount of time we have spent together and the things we have been through together.

8 Years this went on.

We get married next month! Grin

What I am trying to say is that although 1 year in is a massive deal, if you are in this for the long haul, people can change. Ok he might not change his mind about marriage but he may change his mind about the significance of the day. Maybe you could choose anothe significant day for you and have a celebration on that day. Event days are always hard to celebrate something else on.

Serendippy · 27/09/2010 23:17

YABU but understandably so. Pick another day, there must be some time when all children are with the other carer, and call it anniversary. My DH and I have never been out on valentines day because they always hike up the prices and stuff as many people in as possible. We go out a few days later and have a lovely, relaxed meal using cheapskate vouchers from the paper which are never valid valentines day anyway

Morloth · 27/09/2010 23:18

YANBU to want to spend time with him.

But YABU to ask that he doesn't see his kids in order to facilitate that. They have first claim on his time. Would you actually want to be with a man who spent his very limited time with his girlfriend rather than his kids given that he doesn't get that much with them?

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 27/09/2010 23:19

Thankyou OJSM - that made me feel a whole lot better.

I'm not desparate to marry him but it hurt when he said it wasn't our anniversary yet its him who doesn't want to marry again (which I have elegantly accepted).

OP posts:
PfftTheMagicDragon · 27/09/2010 23:22

I think that holidays are a time that you should be looking forward to seeing your children. I think that if this were the other way round and you were not seeing them on either weekend, you would be gutted. I would be incredibly angry that your ex does not want to see the children on NY, given that he is not having them over the Christmas weekend.

Your partner wants to see his children over the holidays. This is normal and you should be proud that you have a partner that wants to.

Can you postpone your anniversary until a couple of weekends after new year? Do something special just the two of you.

Seriously, you should be happy to be with your children at such a time. I know it is hard being a single parents but to repeatedly talk about being "stuck with more kids" is rather off.

You need time to yourself. Make some time to have some time by yourself before things get hectic in December and then book something from January.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 27/09/2010 23:26

He goes away in Jan.

And I do feel like its a constant merry go round of kids sometimes which is hard as I work full time too.

OP posts:
zipzap · 27/09/2010 23:33

Probably a really good reason why not - but could you try to say that you would like to get all the kids together and try to get your kids (and his other one ) to be with you for new years eve rather than xmas, then you could have xmas together...

I know it would be lousy for you to miss your kids for xmas but maybe there would be something you could to so that you can sync your kids times with you and your dp over the holidays - if not for now then for next year, other wise you are never going to get any child-free time at xmas/new year

onlyjuststillme · 27/09/2010 23:36

Sit down with him mow and try to talk about it. Offer trade offs

  1. I KNOW you dont want to get married, I am ok with that, but I do think we should have a day where we can celebrate our time together and reflect on what has happened in the time that has past.

  2. I understand that event days like holidays are family time, and rightfully so. Can we pick another day that means something to us both that we can use to celebrate (If this is before xmas all the better)

I wish I had dont the above a long time ago. We only have 1 child and that is our child together but even before her it was very tough to celebrate on NYE as there was always other demands on our time/ enforced jollity and expense of the night.

onlyjuststillme · 27/09/2010 23:37

sorry for the typos!!

obv : mow = NOW
: dont = done

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 28/09/2010 16:07

Thanks OJSM - Emailed him at work today saying I accept the distance thing, I accept that the kids are miles apart and I accept that your ex makes it awkward for us to have the kids (for no reason)- she said we can't have them this weekend because she is skint and can't go out so she wants them with her for company Hmm never mind the fact its about them seeing their dad (and they are more her kids than his apparently Hmm) I even accept the fact that you do not want to get married again but I do not accept that we cannot have one special day of the year (which doesn't have to be new yrs day) when we can celebrate the fact that we are together.

He mailed back saying he was sorry and that he just thought that all the time we spend together is special and that he appriciates all I do and put up with and that we are going to be together for the rest of our lives and have loads of time in the future when the kids are older to celebrate - so hes either being sweet or has asked one of the women in his office what to say to smooth things over Grin

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 28/09/2010 16:10

If you are going to go out with a man with children by multiple partners far better it be one who wants to spend time with those children than one who resents the time/money they take and would rather pretend they didn't exist. :)

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 28/09/2010 16:16

Multiple partners - that sounds terrible Blush

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 28/09/2010 16:18

Sorry, was aiming for the most factual way of saying it, trying not to imply anything.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 28/09/2010 16:19
Grin
OP posts:
FindingMyMojo · 28/09/2010 16:30

sorry but I'll need that in spreadsheet, calender & pie graph formats to even begin to get my (dizzy) head around it all.

HAPPY NEW YEAR Grin

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 28/09/2010 19:26

Oh I know - its the most chaotic logistical nightmare I could have picked - but you can't choose who you fall for can you?! :)

OP posts:
onlyjuststillme · 29/09/2010 14:25

If a celebration day is still want you want try to get one mutually agreed and then you can both move on with a skip in your step xxxx

New posts on this thread. Refresh page