To have been worrying/thinking about this for days?

[thefirstmrsDeVere]

OK another thread in AIBU so it gets attention but I do think its important.

What do we do when someone discloses abuse on a parenting forum? I dont mean a difference in parenting. I dont mean using a dummy or ff v bf or giving using greggs sausage rolls in a packed lunch everyday. I have used 'abuse' used in some ridiculous ways on mns.

I mean when you get someone posting about things they do to their child which are clearly very worrying.

I am asking because this has recently occoured on another site. I have left because I cant stand it anymore. Its gone beyond the stupidness and now I am just appalled at the lack of action by the site owner.

I dont want to go into details too much because this is a genuine question not a 'isnt that other site horrible' by stealth.

What is the responsibilty of the site owners if any? How would you go about raising your concerns to the NCPCC for example and should you? What if they are making it up? What if stuff is going on behind the scenes (although I very much doubt it in this case)?

I have hesitated about posting this. I dont want to get into a row with anyone. I just want to know what others would do, what mumsnet does etc. This must happen quite a lot on the internet now.

To be clear again - not about a smack now and then, not about going out to clubs when your baby is a few weeks old, not about class/cultural differences.

If someone says 'I do xxxxx to my child when they are naughty and I am going to keep doing it' Or they decribe an incredibly worrying home situation and seem totally unaware or uncaring about the impact it is having on their kids.

I dont judge on a snapshot. My family life is far to vunerable to that sort of thing. I am aware that my life could be viewed as a car crash and people make assumptions about what is going on.

Genuine question. Should we do something? How would you do it? and how would you know when to do something? What?

Thanks.

I think a good approach would be to contact the sites management and ask them to give relevant details to whichever authority was best placed to deal with it. Ask the site to confirm whether they have done so. If not, then report directly and then police etc could get the persons info from the site management.

Just a thought, but perhaps some people put info on a site hoping that someone will intervene.

I did contact management in this case. Well they contacted me after I posted on the thread.

I got a real telling off for being unsupportive. My post was a one line question with no swears or rude bits. It was a question about a particular thing she had been doing. I asked if she had stopped it.

When I explained to management that I was really concerned about the child's welfare they told me they would give me an offical warning if I commented further. I did try to clarify things, said that I was aware the poster was struggling but I was still worried about the things she was saying, kept it clear and factual. But they just kept coming back with personal stuff. I was so shocked I had to back off.

The language they used was really emotional and unprofessional. I was amazed. I can honestly say if that thread had been on here it would have gone ballistic.

I get the impression that MNHQ get involved with difficult threads. I thought that happend on most sites.

Of course I dont know all the details but I am using this as an example because it got me thinking about the issue.

I have seen threads like that. People are virtually screaming out for help. They are so sad.

This particular one seemed different. Like boasting. It was semi troll like.

I think that you may have to contact the NSPCC directly and ask for some advice. Sorry I can't help. That other site sounds horrible.

Gosh, how horrible. I would really hope that MN would step in if there was obvious abuse going on. I think they have IP addresses and emails on record and can track a person down from that. Reporting the abuse to site admin would be a good step, just incase it's been missed. MN alone has 100's of threads a day so very difficult to monitor what is going on I should think.

As for when to step in? I would say that most of us have enough common sense to see the difference between parenting styles and true abuse. If it worries you to this extent then tell site admin.

Could it be that the poster is a troll?

Some people do post some pretty wierd/ sick things for attention .

Ah, I see that you have and didn't get a good response. In that case, as mentioned, maybe NSPCC for advice?

TFMD - I would copy everything that is relevant to keep it safe - then I would ring the local police station and NSPCC - it cant hurt to get some advice from them.

I think the owners of the other site sound terrible - it's actually almost creepy that they are warning you off.

Could be a troll. How do we ever know. When things started going the wrong way posters 'OH' stepped in and started posting. He was very articulate whereas the OP was bearly literate. It did seem a bit odd. Who the hell knows on the internet?

I think what worried me almost as much as the disclosures was the playground attitude of the management. It was weird. They proper told me off! Said they were 'stunned I would be so unsupportive' that I would consider referring this family if I came into contact with them professionally. Stunned? If I didnt refer them I would probably be sacked given the information revealed on the site.

Just to be clear about that - I dont go around shopping families to the SS. But if I was presented with a mother who told me the things I read on that site I wouldnt have a choice. I would have to set something in motion, even if it was just getting my manager involved.

But its so unclear when its not real life. What would happen if everytime we saw something dodgy on a parenting site we all called NSPCC?

What about other posters on the site, did they express concern?
Has anybody advised professional intervention?
Is there not a body which governs these internet chat rooms? Might be worth dropping an e mail to your local SS/ police to seek advice.
It's all very well taking these things with a pinch of salt, but what if all you've seen is true? If the poster gets investigated for what turns out to be nothing it doesn't matter does it, but if there is something in it.....
I haven't seen the posts/ thread, so might be being over dramatic, but I think you should go with your gut, you're obviously worried about this, seeking advice may help you to better make a decision on what to do.

I get the impression that MNHQ get involved with difficult threads. I thought that happend on most sites. --- when I was at my lowest and posted on here they DID get in touch via email so I guess that yes, stuff goes on behind the scenes.

It really depends on what the poster said they did...is it at all possible that what you consider abusive...others might not?

I read once that if in doubt you should contact police.

Tfmd I think I know what you are referring to and I think you are right to be concerned. I'm stunned at the reaction of the site management, I would have thought they would have a legal duty to pass this information on. Sorry thats not very helpful, in your position I would contact the nspcc for advice.

I would contact the NSPCC to ask their advice. If the site managers aren't going to take your concerns seriously (and I find that very worrying, how they responded to you) I would take my concerns elsewhere if they were really warranted.

Are you willing to say which this site was? I'm very curious to know who wouldn't take the potential welfare of a child/children seriously on a parenting website. Like others have said, I know MN do it and I assumed others would be the same.

Maybe you could ask Mumsnet management for their advice too? They must have something useful to add...being in the same game!

Anemone has a great idea! I understand you don't want to name the site and cause an invasion over there but this is quite a heavy burden for one person and I understand why you've been worrying about this. If it would help at all you're very welcome to inbox me with the information about that site/thread and I could post on there or contact management too? Just a thought.

I think I know the thread you are talking about MrsDeVere, I have a couple of friends who have been posting offering good advice/support on it, and pointed it out to me. I started reading it yesterday, but didn't post, as to me something just didn't quite seem to add up, especially with the "OH"'s posts. (I am an inherently suspicious person though)

I am really shocked that you got told off by management though! Seems extremely unprofessional of them. I know it can be quite heavily moderated on there at times, but it's ridiculous that they won't let you make a comment about something that does appear to be at best inappropriate.

I think asking the NSPCC for advise could be a good idea, especially if you can provide screen shots (I'm not sure if the thread has had some comments removed, as parts seem to jump around a bit like something is missing) and see what they say. I hope it is a "troll" thread though, as the people I know who are trying to give advise have been quite upset by it.

Thanks everyone. I have just got back from dinner/bedtime.

I thought there may be a few people who recognised the thread but I really dont want to get into naming it. It could cause all kinds of trouble and I am feeling especially fragile at the moment.

I have seen several posters over there really trying hard to help the OP. It can be very difficult because it so heavily [selectively] moderated. Posters have to hold back or the whole post is deleted along with any good advice they give.

Anenome Not in this case. The things she has been admiting would definately (IMO) meet the threashold for some sort of intervention.

I havent degregistered because I have no idea how to but I have told the moderators that I no longer wish to be a part of the site because of the way they have reacted to my post and how they appear to be colluding with the OP. I had a quick look on the NSPCC site last night but couldnt really see where this concern fitted. I do need to look at how the thread is going.

It could very possibly be a troll but its almost irrelevant IYSWIM.

Dancing People have been trying hard and its very frustrating. They mostly have DCs with ASD (as do I) and if it all is really going on, its bloody heartbreaking.

I am going to have a look and go from there. It may have all petered out or been pulled.

Thanks for the offer Marjee I think you know which one I am talking about. Its quite hard to miss. Its so disturbing that several of my FB friends cant even bear to read it right through (parents of kids with ASD).

Thanks for the suggestions everyone.

I think there is a general helpline email address NSPCC have, so maybe that would be the one to try?

I know two of the posters who have been trying to help, they have given such brilliant advice, and as you said having children with ASD they really know what they are talking about, but the OP just doesn't seem to be taking much on board. That's the part that makes me a bit suspicious tbh, because I would have thought if you were dealing with a new diagnosis you would gladly listen to the advice of people who have been there & know how you are feeling. It is quite disturbing to read, am just checking it again now myself.

Its peetered out a bit. I have looked at her other posts and she seems to contradict herself about the time of diagnosis.

I am sure this sort of thing must be happening all the time all over the internet.