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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder if some grandparents were ever actually parents?

36 replies

IvaNighSpare · 27/09/2010 16:27

having just read my umpteenth thread complaining mainly about mothers and MILs, and drawing on personal experience, I can't help but wonder what mental transition some grandparents go through when their grandchildren arrive.
I'm talking about the stupid/thoughtless/frankly dangerous things they do with their grandchildren such as failing to watch them etc.
I'm not even talking about methods that may have moved with the times, just common sense stuff.
I've lost count of the times I've had to ask my own mother "would you have really allowed me to (play with the cutlery/draw on the furniture/poke the dog with a stick/ wander off in a crowded shopping centre...) at that age?"
What happens to them, and am I cursed to become an irresponsible old biddy when my children have children of their own?
Thoughts, please?

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 27/09/2010 16:29

I think as a parent it creeps up on you gradually but wehn you're past that stage you forget.

bigchris · 27/09/2010 16:33

Yabu

I think many people on here have forgotten what it was like to be a grandchild , what fun they had with their grandparents and I find it sad they are unable to step back and let a similar relationship develop
we used to spend a week with my granny in the summer holidays
yes we ate a lot of sweets, slept in her big double bed with her and other things my mum probably didn't aprove off but we had the time of our lives andmemories to last a lifetime, long after my granny had died

AvrilHeytch · 27/09/2010 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Itsjustafleshwound · 27/09/2010 16:34

YABU - parenting has changed so much and there are so many more perceived and real dangers ....

If you don't trust your parents or ILs enough to look after your children then find an alternative arrangement.

OrmRenewed · 27/09/2010 16:35

I think they probably forget. My youngest is only 7 and I am already forgetting just how bloody lacking in common sense LOs actual are

And standards have changed too. We worry more about different things now.

usualsuspect · 27/09/2010 16:37

YABU ..I'm a grandparent and quite capable of looking after my grandkids thank you very much ...but then my daughter trusts me and doesn't try and control what me and my grandkids do together ..I'm not an old biddy either

Chil1234 · 27/09/2010 16:39

Anyone with a few kids will tell you that for #1 you're like a cat on a hot tin roof, #2 you've relaxed a bit and by #4 or #5 you've realised they're a lot tougher than they look. Grandparents, having brought up one or two of their own and experiencing a lot of others in between are often at the 'very relaxed' end of that scale already and have also realised that life is too short to get angst-ridden about a few scratches on the furniture.

maktaitai · 27/09/2010 16:41

DS is 6 and I am already barely competent to look after other people's 2 year olds as I forget just how fast they can run and just how little sense they have. So YANBU as far as that goes.

Having said that, most of your examples sound a bit controlling tbh. My mum's tables all have little lines of notches on as I liked playing with knives around the furniture... what's wrong with cutlery as toys?

diddl · 27/09/2010 16:44

Well there are things that I wouldn´t let my first do I have let my second do, & in some ways I think it is perhaps an extension of that.

Plus not wanting to upset the child at all so let them do whatever they want-or not wanting to deal with an upset child, so again, letting them do what they want.

Sometimes I think it can be laziness-my MIL thought it was OK to not wash her hands when PFB was in SCBU as she couldn´t figure out how to work the soap dispenser.

Or some misguided faith in the child´s abilities not to cut themselves on a sharp knife when Gran is watching.

TakeLovingChances · 27/09/2010 16:45

OP - I have nothing to add to the debate, but just wanted to say I like your thread title :)

FunkyCherry · 27/09/2010 16:45

I'm with you on this.
I also get really annoyed when my mother says things like "it never did you any harm" and I think she obviously has no idea how miserable my childhood was.

maktaitai · 27/09/2010 17:00

There are also bizarre moments when my mum gasps with horror at seeing me give ds white bread and I take great pleasure in reminding her am forced to remind her that we lived on white bread and Walls vanilla brick as children. Grandparents do sometimes forget the compromises they made I think.

AvrilHeytch · 27/09/2010 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Anenome · 27/09/2010 19:57

YANBU My MIL has done some corkers! She's lovely and adores he DC's but she is known to ignore advice...the first time she looked after our new baby...she had been ut and all ecited bought a load of baby bath stuff including talc. DH explained that you arent meant to put talc on babies now as it can get in their lungs..we went out and left baby with MIL and returned 2 hours later to find new baby stinking of Johnsons talc!

She also used to ladle sugar on DD's cereal when DD was 6 months old...and let her play with the dogs in a really rough way!

My own Mum hs gone out into the garden for a cigarette and then stood looking in the room with new baby in it...and blowing smoke into the room!

I dont know...I think they are more relaxed as a generation!

Mumcentreplus · 27/09/2010 20:07

YABU times change and so do attitudes..no parent allows a child to wander off etc...but children do..I did.. I actually remember once being brought back to my mother by a strange man I know I was very young at the time...I also remember going to the shop to get the paper and getting a lollipop from the man behind the counter...my mum laughed when I told her she couldn't believe I remembered.. I was 2yrs old at the time!!..we lived in a cul de sac...

marenmj · 27/09/2010 20:08

As the parent of a particularly precocious toddler, I think people in general very much forget what it was like and how full-on toddlers are once they get out of the thick of it.

I recently found out that my MIL has hidden unregistered guns around her property (in case the government comes for them, natch ). She claims it is perfectly safe as she has hidden them well and can't understand why I refuse to bring DD there unless they are locked in a gun safe. FFS, DD keeps getting her hands on washable markers that I was sure were well out of her reach - including coming up with several that I don't even know where she got them! And they are just messy, not actually harmful.

My other MIL was horrified when then-1-year-old DD managed to eat an antique brass weight that MIL kept beautifully displayed on the floor.

Curlybrunette · 27/09/2010 20:14

I agree with this very much.
YANBU
My mum and dad fill my boys with so much crap food, my mum says "you know you can have crisps and chocolate when you get here but only 1 of each" This is at any time of the day, even if just before a mealtime. I've stopped this a few times and now mum says "you'll have to ask your mum" which of course makes me the bad guy.

Also when we were little my parents had a pub so mum was there during the day and worked 4 evenings a week so we had babysitters, usually my grandparents or an auntie. Can we (my sis and I) get my parents to babysit for our kids, can we buggery. Mum always says (and I believe totally means) that seeing us makes her day but it seems that she only wants to see the kids if we are there, I don't think she'd ever dream of asking if she could take the children for a couple of hours or god forbid overnight.

Phew, feel better to have off loaded!

Lynli · 27/09/2010 21:01

My mother was a moron, when it came to health and safety. She says herself, no one died but that was more by luck than judgement.

I wouldn't let her lookafter a dog.

Mil was the same, regularly lost DH when he was a toddler, once for three hours on a beach, he was 18 months old, she was reading a book.

OrmRenewed · 28/09/2010 10:24

"My mother was a moron, when it came to health and safety"

Nice In what way? If she took calculated risks and you survived perhaps she wasn't such a moron. There is a downside to being too cautious too.

TheProvincialLady · 28/09/2010 10:33

What an unpleasant OP. I hope you own children grow up to have more respect for their mother than you have for yours. Do you honestly speak to your mother like that? Are you looking forward to being described as an old biddy once you become a grandmother?

BlingLoving · 28/09/2010 10:35

As long as I can remember my mother has gloated about how much she's looking forward to being a grandmother - she has told us that she will feed the children chocolate, let them stay up late, do all the fun things and then hand them back.

As an adult, I find this slightly concerning but also fairly reasonable. I didn't have grandparents but DH did. Ane his memories of them are nothing but positive. As far as I can tell though, his grandparents' approach was pretty much what my mother is planning.

I figure it's part and parcel of the relationship. And maybe my parents will let my children push more boundaries than I will. That can't be a bad thing.

Concordia · 28/09/2010 10:40

we had to buy mil a fireguard.
she had got rid of her old one as she said we only came once or twice a week and her other grandchildren were older now. ours were 3 and 1 at the time and she has her gas fire on all the time, even in may.
she thought it was fine to let DS who has then aged 1 play within 6 feet of a 60mph road with no fence
but then her stories about DH are all about him wandering off a mile away from home aged 3 and being found by the milkman, throwing all the bed linen out of an upstairs window etc etc, so i don't think her levels of vigilance and supervision have slipped much.

Sidge · 28/09/2010 10:42

I think it varies, and depends on the individuals.

My in-laws are great with my girls, MIL has some odd ideas regarding sugar (essential for energy) and small babies crying (strengthens their lungs) but are essentially kind, loving and have their best interests and safety at heart.

My mum, on the other hand, is so self-absorbed I wouldn't trust her with a hamster. I'm not entirely sure how my brothers and I made it to adulthood.

GetOrfMoiLand · 28/09/2010 10:47

Doesn't everyone forget what it is like to look after small children once their own have grown up?

My dd is 14, and I am utterly useless with babies and toddlers, was playing with a friend's 3 year old and he was sat on my lap rootling through my handbag, let him play with a fountain pen until my friend gave me a horrified look and took the pen off him.

She probably wonders how on earth I raised dd.

I think you do just realise that you don't have to helicopter over your kids.

DancingHippoOnAcid · 28/09/2010 10:48

Not bothered about GPs feeding DCS crap food and not being too hot on discipline as thst is what GPs are for and occasionally will do no harm.

It was the alarming lack of awareness of danger on the part of MIL when DCS were small that really scared the shit out of me.

When DS was 2 days old she took him out for a walk in his pram while I had a lie down. I woke to her shouting up to the window to open the door. I looked out to see MIL standing on driveway and pram (with DS in it) standing in the middle of the road.

I asked her to move the pram onto the drive so it would not get hit by a car and she refused, saying "he will be OK"

Now DCs are older and have lots of common sense (certainly more than her!) I don't mind leaving them with her. They praobably look after her more than the other way round!

My mum however I would trust implicitly as, though she is not over fussy she has plenty of common sense.

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