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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU that I am angry at my in laws?

22 replies

mrscmoon · 27/09/2010 14:33

This may be a long rant people so sorry but I need your advice!

Basically, it all started when me and hubby got married - it didn't really occur to me to have SIL as a bridesmaid as I never really saw her and I only ever really wanted my sister to be my bridesmaid but seeing as she would be my SIL and she likes to be the centre of attention, I would ask if she could do a reading but in the end, i was basically guilt tripped my PIL into having her as a bridesmaid. And ok, maybe it is an unwritten rule to have both sisters as bridemaids but I thought seeing as she was 28, it wouldn't really be that important - obviously I was wrong.

THEN, just to really piss me off and make it unfair, a couple of years later, SIL was getting married and said that no children were allowed to her wedding - not even my then 5 month old dauther - her fecking neice!! PIL were very quick to defend her and say that its the brides day, blah di blah but that certainly didn't seem to matter on our wedding day!! SIL also repeatedly says that weddings are for adults and christenings are for children! And then, when her daughter was about 5 months old, SIL and BIL were invited to a wedding and they took her!!

Just feel that PIL always seem to favour their daughter but what about my hubby - their son?!! He wasn't happy either about having to leave his daughter out from a family wedding.

There have been numerous incidents where PIL seem to favour SIL - just makes me so angry! My parents would never do this to me and my sister!!

Another thing that bugs me is that SIL is going back to work and MIL is going to do the childminding for their little one - okay, in a way i feel sorry for MIL as she works 3 days a week anyway and on her two days off she has to look after granddaughter - but she has to stop over for 3 nights as she doesn't live in the same town - prob about 1 hours drive away! So in a way feel a bit sorry for MIL as she won't really get a break especially as SIL and BIL spend probably 3 out of 4 weekends at MILs as well - poor MIL won't have any time to herself - surely she would want to have a bit of a break??!!

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 27/09/2010 14:36

Why do you need advice?

I can't see anything here that affects you?

Do you want them staying several nights a week to look after your kids?

Ragwort · 27/09/2010 14:39

I think its a fact of live that (most) mothers are closer to their daughters than to daughters-in-law ......... it certainly sounds as though your sister in law is 'the favoured one' but I guess there's not much you can do about it. Has MIL complained about having to do the childminding?

Ragwort · 27/09/2010 14:40

Sorry, meant fact of LIFE

OrmRenewed · 27/09/2010 14:41

I suspect if you asked my DB and his wife who is the favoured one, they'd say I was. If you asked me who MIL favours I'd say youngest SIL. I don't think it's all that bad - I suspect ILs don't realise they are doing it.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 27/09/2010 14:46

well, you can't really blame them for you giving in to their demands - that was your choice.

And just because you caved, doesn't mean that you can expect them to cave. They don't have to any more than you did.

And it's not really your problem if the mil cares for those children.

So perhaps look at yourself and address any problem you feel you might have with standing firm and doing what you want instead of giving in to other people and then resenting it?

If you feel that your husband is being treated unfavourably, then see how he feels. He could always speak to his mum about it.

What would you like to be happening that isn't at the moment?

diddl · 27/09/2010 14:51

Well, it´s up to MIL what she does, isn´t it?

And it sounds as if they prefer their daughter to you-so what?

They didn´t have children at their wedding-not everyone does.

They went to a wedding where children were invited and took theirs.

You shouldn´t have asked her to be bridesmaid if you really didn´t want to, but your sister & your husband´s sister, can´t see the problem with that tbh.

AMumInScotland · 27/09/2010 14:52

I think you're entitled to feel they are being unfair and inconsistent, but TBH you'd be better off leaving them to it and restricting your anger to things which affect you directly (and DH and your DC).

How MIL and SIL arrange childcare is f* all to do with you. Likewise whether or not SIL took her own child to someone else's wedding. It's really nothing to do with you at all.

Chil1234 · 27/09/2010 15:04

Bottom line is in-laws (and parents in general) are not bound by some Geneva Convention to be scrupulously even-handed with various branches of their family. If you start keeping score where one person has got X and the other didn't then you're on the slippery slope of 'who spent more on the Christmas presents' and things get childish very quickly.

My advice... get on with your own life and look after your own family. Appreciate the positives rather than constantly looking for imagined 'slights' and brewing up ill-feeling.

GetOrfMoiLand · 27/09/2010 15:08

I don't see anything in the OP to get worked up about.

Most of it is just wedding day nonsense which matters not a jot. Just let it go.

The other is childcare arrangements for someone else's kids. Nowt to do with you.

Yes you may have a grievance re her treating your DH with less care than your SIL, but to be honest I imagine that is your perception only based on your SIL's actions towards YOU.

Original poster

mrscmoon · 27/09/2010 15:25

I know you are all right - I keep wanting to try and get over all the wedding stuff but it still really grates on me but like you all seem to say it doesn't really matter. It just seems that since the weddings, in-laws can't do anything right by me (which I know is my fault)!!I just can't seem to get over it. I know I really need to because I am worried that it could cause a problem for me and hubby but I just don't know how to. My hubby does understand what I am saying but he is obviously stuck in the middle between me and his family. Your messages are so true and its good to have this unbiased, honest advice so hopefully, it will help me out!

OP posts:

diddl · 27/09/2010 15:31

Do you like your ILs at all, or dislike them & want to justify it?

I don´t like mine-they´ve done some things I don´t like.

But tbh, we´re just so different that we don´t get on.

Maybe to say I dislike them isn´t quite right-but I don´t like them either.

I really don´t care either way about them.

booyhoo · 27/09/2010 15:34

what a whingey immature OP

shimmerysilverglitter · 27/09/2010 15:40

booyhoo.

Original poster

mrscmoon · 27/09/2010 15:41

Generally, I do like my PIL but not really my SIL - never really have TBH. But we don't really get to see PIL on their own as SIL there most of the time and just feel awkward when I'm there. She is very bossy - maybe I just need to stop being a wimp and stand up to her more! I suppose I'm more annoyed with myself then for not standing up to her (?). I wish I felt like Diddl and not really caring but I DO!

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 27/09/2010 15:46

Your SIL saying 'No kids' to her wedding then taking her baby to a wedding is just the way life goes - she's hardly going to say 'Oh no, I don't think babies should be at weddings, so although you invited my baby I will make a point of getting a babysitter and leaving baby at home' now is she?

It's just an ' now she has a baby things are different' thing and really not something to give another thought to.

As for the childcare - it's another ' - bet they wouldn't do that for us' - situation and unless you need childcare and they say they can't do it - there's nothing to get your knickers in a knot about anyway :)

Your MIL isn't complaining to you that she can't cope.

You don't need her to childmind for you.

Your SIL is her daughter... why shouldn't she help her??

If you aren't careful I'll swap SIL's with you - then you'll have plenty to complain about

I roll my eyes A LOT

Poogles · 27/09/2010 15:48

I spent a long time trying to please MIL at expense of own wishes and often putting myself out only for BIL & wife to be favoured. Instead of getting annoyed, I've stepped back from the situation.

I was annoyed that MIL would come down to look after their daughter but had never offered to come and look after my sons, then I realised that she would do my head in if she came and satyed at mine so I think I actually have the better end of the deal.

diddl · 27/09/2010 15:54

Well, I don´t have a SIL, bossy or otherwise, but it does seem that your problem might be more with her.

I married an only child so have the only grandchildren-but that doesn´t mean that in more than 10yrs they have ever visited us.

This has annoyed me, but on the other hand I don´t really want them here, so what does it matter in that respect?

2rebecca · 27/09/2010 15:58

Why do you want to visit your inlaws on their own? I'd be glad they have other relatives to fuss over them and leave them to their own lives and get on with yours.
Find some friends and people you like and leave your husband's rellies to it.

diddl · 27/09/2010 17:03

Don´t ILs ever visit you then, OP?

ShadeofViolet · 27/09/2010 17:16

Doesnt sound too bad to me - you can have my MIL and SIL if you like - they are both as 'woo' as each other!

fedupofnamechanging · 27/09/2010 17:32

I think you are feeling resentful because you felt manipulated into doing something at your wedding that you didn't want to do and they have not been equal in their attitude to you/DH and your SIL. You probably wish you had spoken up when they talked about it being 'the brides day' and reminded them that they didn't take that view when you were the bride.

Still, that's water under the bridge now, so let it go. Same with the childcare. It doesn't affect you so leave them to it.

I think that the only thing you can do in the future is to decide what works for you/DH/DC and stick with it regardless of what the ILs want you to do.If they badger you to change your plans, just say 'that doesn't work for us' and carry on as planned.

paddypoopants · 27/09/2010 18:13

I think you will just have to accept that your PIL favour their daughter over their son - it is unfair but it does happen in some families - my dh's for example. It maybe your sil is bossy with them and your dh more easygoing so your pil find it easier to give in to her than your dh.
Unfortunately nothing you can do really. If your dh wants to say something that's another matter but they won't appreciate it if you point out their favouritism. Try not and let it bother you it will probably not be the last time it happens. That's not to say it's not really really annoying.

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