To be totally stuck between putting my children first or myself

[MilaMae]

I moved a lot as a child(every 2 years) as I had a forces childhood,I hated it and vowed never to do it to my own children.

It was a long struggle to have my dc and I gave up my career and moved heaven and earth to move to an idyllic location to raise them.

Dp is earning half that he could and money is tight but all the local schools are outstanding,we are in a community,we are surrounded by stunning countryside that we love and the dc's live in the same community as their grandparents. We've been here nearly all 6 years of their lives.

The are very lucky(as are we) and love their life.However dp and I have always yearned to live abroad/travel for a while.We spent our 30s doing IVF and raising kids so never did. I thought I'd like the close knit community thing but I'm starting to wonder if I do as does dp,I/we're feeling hemmed in iykwim.

Dp has a job that is in fairly high demand and he's seen a lot of jobs paying double what he's earning abroad. The thought of 2 years not having to penny pinch, travel and me perhaps being able to study/retrain in order to get a career going on my return is very tempting.

We feel we've sacrificed so much to have our dc which w'd do again in a second but we're both screaming inside- what about us now? The thing is parenthood is hard we all stuff up now and again which I'm ok with but security was the one thing I wanted to not fail on iykwim and I feel if I move them I'll be failing as a mother at the one thing I wanted not to. I feel we'd be very selfish to drag them away albeit just for a couple of years in order for us to suit ourselves. I'd have given my eye teeth for their childhood.

So what would you do,am I being selfish or over analytical?

erm, I don't want to say what I'd do . I don't think it really matters what other people would do. You have to do what you feel is right for your family.

Perhaps sit down with your husband and write a list of pros and cons?

Over analytical i reckon. Unless they are nearing secondary school age, i would say go for it. Two years abroad would be a wonderful experience for them, and knowing they would return back to the life they know wouldn't seem that disruptive/traumatising.

Good luck!!

I think what you're suggesting is nothing like the childhood which you had and swore you'd not do to them. One move abroad for perhaps 2 years is not the same thing as spending your whole childhood being uprooted every couple of years. The fact that they have felt secure up till now will give them a very good self-confidence to be able to travel without it upsetting them, IYSWIM?

Giving up everything for your children, when it means you are screaming inside, is not good for any of you.

I know exactly where you're coming from, like you I moved lots as a kid and hated it, and like you we live in an idyllic countryside setting where the kids are very happy.

However dp is unemployed and job prospects here are slim to non existant and we're sorely tempted to move if he were able to get something elsewhere, but we're racked with guilt about uprooting the kids.

Sorry, I'm no help but just wanted to let you know I completely understand where you're coming from and I don't think you're being over anyltical at all.

We are expats with kids. Yes, I miss the family support. But I wouldn't change a single thing.

DS1 is so well rounded and accepting of different cultures/ways of life because he has been raised in a couple of different places.

If you get/make the opportunity to travel then grab it, is the best thing we have ever done for our DS's.

We are off home now to Oz for a few years but have our minds open for another adventure.

I say go for it ! My parents emigrated from the UK to the Far East when I was 7y and my sisters were 8y and 18months.

I remeber the move being a real adventure and we all settled into our new life very easily. We had a really fun and amazing childhood and learnt so much more in addition to our formal education.

If you are positive about the move, I am sure your chikldren will pick up the vibe and be excited about it all !

Good luck with the decision !!

Some very good friends moved to the US several years ago with their two kids. They had been living in a small village with a great school, fabulous countryside and a good community but after talking it through with the kids decided it was too good an opportunity to miss. I think the kids found it a bit hard at first but once they were in school they settled in quickly and now they love it. They are still in touch with their friends from the UK via e-mail, Skype and, now the eldest is 13, Facebook but they also have a bunch of friends in the US.

I probably wouldn't move kids to another country if they're at a critical part of their education but a few years living in another country will be a great experience for them.

Why do you live where you do?

If it´s for schools & countryside, you can probably get that elsewhere.

If for grandparents, obviously not!

How old are your children?

We left UK for Germany when oldest was 4 so that he could have another couple of years before starting school & learn another language.

We also moved to the far east when I was young and we loved it. We stayed for 5 years and then moved somewhere else for 5 years. I think it was the best thing my parents could have done for us - the education we got from seeing different cultures and travelling the world was priceless. Plus depending on where you go, there are outstanding international schools. Dh and I have two young DCs now and if we had the opportunity to do this, we would go like a shot.

I think once the DCs are in their teens it's much more disruptive to them...while they're young they generally settle in pretty quickly. In my experience it takes a year to settle anywhere, so 2 years is the absolute minimum to commit to, IMHO.

I had two thoughts on reading this.

First, as others have said, just because you hated moving around doesn't mean your children will (especially if it's a one off 2 year "experience" rather than a repeated way of life). It completely depends on their own personalities. Only you know your children and whether they will like it or hate it. You never know, they might love it!

Second, it's worth making sure that your own images of living abroad are realistic. It sounds a bit like you're regretting not travelling/living abroad in your 20s and are hoping to have that experience now. The thing is, it won't be the same experience now as it would have been then - you are older, have children, DH has more serious career, etc. So I would say, make sure that it is "family life abroad" that you are moving for, not "single 20 something life abroad" IYSWIM.

How old are your children? Have you discussed the idea with them?

The dc are 7,7 and 6.

If we went it could stuff up the 11+(as the oldest would miss the tutoring which I hear is vital) which isn't crucial in our area by any means and morally I wrestle with anyway.

They're all doing very well but getting back into their local outstanding school wouldn't be a done deal.

We'd rent the house out.

We're 42 and 45 and we're both feeling this could be our last chance for a while. The thought of the final community thing is scaring me the most however it could be the ex forces "lets just move on" thing kicking in. Maybe eveybody that enjoys the community thing just knuckle down and get on with it iykwim? I've never had to.

I feel I've spent so bloody long focusing on the embryos/babies now kids,thinking of me is alien. However I do feel I sacrificed my career,body and my sanity at times so maybe we both deserve something for us.

My career is in tatters but we can't afford for me to do any retraining on dp's salary.We could if went abroad for a while. I know I wouldn't be able to work but wondering if a Masters/voluntary work or something in the correct field could be a help on our return(maybe not).

Many thanks for all your answers I don't feel such a bad mother/ungrateful for our lot now. It's also good to hear kids do cope with a big move.I guess I wanted the dc to have this perfect idyllic childhood. It's silly as in other areas I just except how unrealistic this is but re this issue it's harder just to except.

Children are children for a very short time. When they are grown is your time to put yourself first. I do not think there is ever a wholeheartedly healthy and good outcome that comes from a parent putting their needs above their child's in any major way.
Yes parenthood is hard, but it's for such a short time really.
I would always personally want to give my children the security of stability; yes I'm sure some can cope with big moves but - who is to know that on a really deep profound level that it was best for them? Children adapt and cope with very very many things that are not optimal for them but it doesn't make it good. Children are disempowered and voiceless, even verbal confident moddle class type kids are really.
Basically imo you've taken them on and the screaming 'what about me' inside needs to be suppressed if it means that your needs are put first.

It doesn't seem to me (based on what you've said) that your DCs will suffer any great disadvantage from a couple of years travelling abroad. If anything, it sounds like a wonderful experience.

I think you should go for it. You're giving them an opportunity as well as yourselves.

THink about what your children will be saying about their childhood in 20-30 years time to their dp and children...

They might love the idyllic life in the countryside but they might also have been wishing for an occasional change or wanting to live in the city so a two year adventure to another country - where you still mgiht find an idyllic childhood plus other benefits.

Now more than ever it is much easier for young children to keep in contact with their friends they have moved away from, something that you wouldn't have had when you were being moved around (just think if you had skype and facebook etc would it have been easier moving on ?)

And then when it comes round to their turn they may well want to be setting off on family adventures of their own!

We left England and drove around the continent for nearly a year when dd was 5. We did settle in England and dd did get back into normal life.

Do it while they're at primary school and the longer you leave it the harder it'll be to take them out as you'll worry more and more about what they'll be missing educationally.

Otherwise, wait until they're at Uni. Or have left home. Or have got their own families. etc etc etc

I'm a Forces brat, and didn't enjoy moving at primary. has secondary and sixth form all in one place as I didn't want to board until sixth form, Mum had a job and Dad went to sea and weekended. When they split up, he said it was my fault as I'd kept them apart when I was at secondary.

I am a Forces wife and have been for 24 years. For most of that time dh has weekended or been at sea, but he got a foreign job. Initially, for stability for ds I wanted to stay. I did for two years, but in the end, I let the house and moved when ds was 10. He is now coming up to 15 and we are very happy.

Your child's stability is where you are, not a place. I thought for a long time that it was about having my own bricks and mortar, but actually my stability is wherever dh and ds are, and the same for them, it is where I am, whether that is the UK or somewhere else. The family unit itself is your stability.

Your kids are young enough to enjoy a new culture/country and to take it in their stride. It is far easier to do this now than when they are teens who have friends and for whom moving would be the end of the world (or so they would have you believe).

Go for it. If you hate it, you can come back. What's to lose?

I moved alot as a child (only around UK) and hated it when I was older. At 7 and 6 your dc's would most probably see it as a huge adventure and what an education and experience you would be giving them! If it's for a limited 2 years and you have your house and family to come back to I would say "go for it", I would love to do similar but my DH not so keen.

You always regret what you don't try, not what you do, and if it gives you the opportunity to retrain in order to make your life easier when you get back then why not? BTW your kids will pick up on your unhappiness where you are so don't stay put just for their sakes. As for the 11+ surely an experience of living abroad would make them an interesting, well rounded individual.

Hope that helps xxx

Don't just think of stability in terms of where you live. The stability you can provide by earning more (DH) and training (you) is just as important. You could do the two years abroad and move back home (if you decide to) being a lot more financially secure, which cao ly be good for your children.

We moved away from family when DD was 3 and yes, she missed them, but being with us was far morer important to her and always will be.

I think it's more that you've decided that living in the countryside is the perfect idyllic childhood. Yeah, it's nice. But living in a town or city has plenty of upsides which your kids will like as they get older. Idyllic countryside is no fun for bored teenagers! Also you will appreciate the extra cash when they are older and require laptops/school trips/uni fees (see terrifying other thread) to be paid for.

I grew up in the countryside and did enjoy it. My parents still live there and it's very pretty. But I can remember a very boring couple of years when I was too young to drive and wanted to get out! I was always very jealous of my friends who could just wander into town and could have a drink because they didn't have to drive home (this was obviously when older).

For a different perspective, I can say that I grew up in the same tight-knit community until I was 18. My mother lived in a house 4 miles from where she, her mother and grandparents and great-grandparents etc etc had always lived (farming community). Growing up we all knew each other's families, who was from what background, whose grandfather was related to whoever's grandfather and I can tell you, it was pretty claustrophobic.

By the time I was 18, I was desperate to move away and rarely went home for visits once I was at university. I'd always loved travel literature and reading about other cultures so I was always keen to live abroad. I was envious of a couple of classmates growing up whose parents moved to the US or the Netherlands as I would love to have traveled and moved around. I still live abroad so have never gone back home! On the other hand, a friend of mine (whose parents had emigrated so she'd been born abroad and then come back to our town when she was about 10) loved growing up in a tight-knit community and got married straight after qualifying as a primary-school teacher, had her children and still lives in our town now so I suppose everyone wants what they can't have or thinks the grass is greener!

It's impossible anyway to make a decision that suits the whole family as your children will probably react differently depending on personality. One of your children might find a move abroad to be traumatic, another might be only too happy to go on an adventure abroad or neither extreme might apply. You just don't know and it's impossible to predict if it'll really affect them later in life. Do what you think is right. The poster above saying that parents always need to put their children's needs first is being a bit extremist, I think. It's also important for parents to be happy or else they won't make very good parents, will they? A depressed mother is not going to be good for children either. Life is all about compromise.

A friend moved abroad when her husband's company seconded him there for a two-year spell, their DC were about 12 and 8 at the time. Both DC had a great time and slotted back into their schools on their return as if they'd never been away.

If anything, I think the experience has added to their childhood.

It doesn't have to be an either/or, it could be a win/win!