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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To actually have no sympathy for this friend

15 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 26/09/2010 22:57

She is older than me by about 20yrs. Married, 3 grown up kids. and having an affair, the man is seriously ill with cancer. She keeps harping on at me about it knowing i disapprove, especially as she and her hubby are DS2's godparents.

She is just moaning again and telling me his family - wife (disabled) and kids (grown up) don't care and that his wife cares so little she has gone on holiday.

I have just told her he is getting whats expected "he can't have his cake and eat it"

Now she thinks I am heartless as it seems the OM is dying.

OP posts:

Claw3 · 26/09/2010 23:02

Why dont you tell her you just dont want to hear about it.

Serendippy · 26/09/2010 23:02

YANBU to have no sympathy but I would have made it very clear that I did not need to hear about all of this. I have friends who do things that I find difficult to reconcile with and they know this, there are parts of their lives they don't discuss with me. An affair would be one of them.

I know that lots of people will say that is wrong, I should accept friends for who they are, but people change and I would rather lose chatting about an affair than lose a whole friendship. Try to explain to her that you value her friendship but that you cannot be her shoulder to cry on for that part of her life.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 26/09/2010 23:02

Claw, I do lol she just harps on and on and on and on and then asks for my advice and doesn't like what I say.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 26/09/2010 23:06

Seren, its so hard.
On one hand she is a good friend and I am normally there for her
On the other hand I strongly disagree with what she is doing. Her husband is a lovely guy and he also knows how I feel about the situation. he knows she is having an affair - apparently it is not the first.

But here and now I can't be there for her.

OP posts:

wubbzy1981 · 26/09/2010 23:08

YANBU.

I think it's disrepectful to you to expect you to listen to this when you obviously have a loyalty to her hubby too.

Sad though it is for her, maybe you could suggest that she speaks to another friend who is not a friend of her husbands.

Claw3 · 26/09/2010 23:09

Next time she harps on and on and on and then asks for your advice, tell her to ask her husband! that should shut her up

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 26/09/2010 23:10

LOL claw

OP posts:

Claw3 · 26/09/2010 23:10

her husband knows about it!

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 26/09/2010 23:12

Yes he knows, he is very for his girls iyswim? and he won't leave because of them. and they know as well....very sad

OP posts:

Claw3 · 26/09/2010 23:13

Still regardless of whether her hubsand knows or not, you dont approve and dont want to hear about it.

Next time instead of saying "he can't have his cake and eat it", tell her "i dont want to hear about it, im not interested" every time she speaks about it. Surely she would get the message?

salizchap · 26/09/2010 23:15

I think you need to leave her in no two minds about your opinion, and tell her you don´t want to hear any more about her sordid affair, you disapprove, and for the sake of your friendship can she please not talk about it anymore. Make it clear you are happy to chat about other issues and you still consider yourself her friend.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 26/09/2010 23:18

Claw I have stood in front of her and told her time and again I don't want to hear it as I don't approve.

When she spent DS2's christening party texting him I told her what I thought of her behaviour. That was in front of her husband and other friends...wrong I know but I was so angry.

She still harps on, so now I just turn a deaf ear and let her rant. I end up annoyed though and want to scream at her when she says things like " i would like to be at home with him and the girls but I can't walk out of here as he(om) is so ill"

OP posts:

Claw3 · 26/09/2010 23:21

I would find it very difficult to be friends with her, if she cannot respect your wishes.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 26/09/2010 23:23

I have just sent her this message

You are my friend and I don't want to fall out with you. I understand this is hurting you, but I don't know what to say other than I feel for the guy its terrible but my loyalties lie with you and your family not him.

OP posts:

Scuttlebutter · 26/09/2010 23:27

She is being disrespectful to you and to your friendship. She sounds like someone who thrives on drama. Time for a "Come to Jesus" - she shuts up or you bail. By continuing to tolerate her behaviour with no consequences for her, she will not learn. Am not advocating return to Anna Karenina style refusal to have adulteresses in the house, but you have repeatedly asked her to respect your wishes and shut up - she has refused. Since she does not value your friendship then I would take her at her word and stop seeing her.

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