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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be almost at the point where I hand ds over to my ex?

15 replies

NameHasChanged · 26/09/2010 20:08

I've almost had it with ds1, I can't believe I'm saying this but I am seriously considering handing him over to my ex (who has never looked after ds1 full time) to see if he has any better luck than me. Ds is 9, has diagnosis of ADHD and Aspergers and is quite simply running me - and my whole family - ragged. Tried to have nice family day out today with dh, ds2 and ds1. Ds1 did literally nothing but harass ds2 physically and verbally and argue the toss with me and Dh over everything to the max, from which flavour ice cream he had to which shoes he wore.
I'm at my wits' end and so fed up, I really do wish someone would just take him away from me for a while. I'm sure within days I would be missing him terribly but when I see the grinding wear and tear he inflicts on the rest of us, day in day out, I almost can't bear it any more. What's more, given the self-centredness of his world view and his filthy temper, I can only look forward to him being more and more uncontrollable, horrendous teenage years and all too likely ending up in prison when he is an adult.
When I think back to how thrilled I was when I gave birth to him and how life-changing the love I felt for him as a newborn, I could cry, I really could.
My ex is completely naive, probably has asperger's himself, has never raised kids full-time and only has ds for the odd weekend about half a dozen times a year, so would be totally ill-equipped to cope. SO I know that's a non-starter. I keep scrolling through boarding schools on the internet to see if I could afford one. I can't.
I know the only option is to soldier on, and thank god he is now in bed and I can chill out with a glass of wine and some telly. But I never thought I;d get the to point where I'd really, really dislike my own child. It's scarey.

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 26/09/2010 20:19

can you contact ss or home start or someone and see if there is any help you can access?

Theincrediblesulk1 · 26/09/2010 20:19

If you think it may be good to have some space,why not let him have a week with dad as a holiday. As a rest bite, it sounds exhausting. good luck with your situation.

atswimtwolengths · 26/09/2010 20:21

Such an exhausting situation to be in. Does your son have medication for his ADHD? I thought ritalin etc was often successful in managing this.

pjmama · 26/09/2010 20:22

No advice to offer, but I just wanted to send you a , sounds like you need one XX

BlueFergie · 26/09/2010 20:25

I don't know much about ADHD or Aspergers but I know there is good support on here from other parents. Have you tried posting on the special needs threads for advice on specific issues.
I don't know anything about your situation but I know you are struggling. Try and find out what help there is around your area for you and your family. Maybe get some counselling or support groups for yourself to give you the tools to cope. Find other parents in your situation they will be a great source of strength. Stay strong.

eaglewings · 26/09/2010 20:28

This sounds hard to live with, can the Autism groups help with ideas, or your school or GP may be able to point you in the right direction.

With a ds with AS I find it hard at times even though I have a supportive dh.

Boys go thru quite change at 9, so it may get better, it did for us when ds turned 10.

Could you ask your ex or a friend to have ds1 while you have a day out with ds2.

Don't feel alone, there is help out there, and if your ex ends up having ds1 because it is best for all of you, don't feel bad, but don't rush into it

ModreB · 26/09/2010 20:29

Oh, I do feel for you. My 2nd DS is ASD, ADHD and Dispraxia. Diagnosis aged 7, now 18 Shock It might sound horrible, but I always thought about it like training a puppy. They dont know WHY they cant do certain things, just make them understand that they can't.

It does get better x

pinkbasket · 26/09/2010 20:31

YANBU. I could cheerfully give my 9 year away today, he has been a sod to his brother, his dad and me.

DCSsunhill · 26/09/2010 20:41

Namehaschanged, I could have written your post word for word.

DS1 has an undiagnosed ASD, but we are expecting ADHD and Aspergers.

I creep into his bedroom every night to watch this gorgeous boy sleep and remember the day we brought him home from the hospital. Because it's the only time that he is not telling us how much he hates us, teasing and bullying DS2, and hurting the cat.

It is heartbreaking. CAMHS aren't hearing our pain and are suggesting parenting courses. I know exactly how you are feeling, and it absolutely SUCKS.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 26/09/2010 20:43

I would go to the GP and ask to be referred for some help. My son had (has - but is now nearly 22) ADHD and ODD and was incredibly difficult and quite dreadful to his sister for years. There were days I would happily have given him away, except other than social services there was no one to give him to (I doubt they would have taken him because we "coped"!!) We ended up with Ritalin for him, having exhausted other options. Despite its bad press etc, it really did help him. And despite the predictions of some members of my family that he was heading for Wormwood Scurbs, he actually got a (very good) Maths degree this year and has started his Masters.

I think your feelings towards your son are quite normal. He will come good in the end. If you can get a break though from him I would think about taking it

RunawayWife · 26/09/2010 20:52

is there anyone who could take him off your hands for a few days? Give your, your DH and your other son a break?

I think the GP is the place to start, also social services may be able to help

NameHasChanged · 26/09/2010 21:04

Aaah, thank you all so much. I really appreciate it, it means a lot too know we are not the only ones with difficult kids and thanks too to all those who were just nice!
DCSunhill we have also tried the CAHMS route to now avail, they said that Asperger's alone isn't enough, he has to be depressed on top to get help from them. They just didn't have the money.
I haven't got a proper diagnosis of the ADHD yet, only the Asperger's but am beginning to wonder if Ritalin might be the answer.
So - I'm going to admit I'm struggling, ask my mum to have ds next weekend and also ring the school nurse who sees him once a week to see if she can do anything.

And yes the puppy training idea is really helpful, thanks!
So I won't give ds away just yet. In fact I did have a nice hug with him as he was very drowsy and nearly asleep, in which he was really quite sweet, and only hassled me for "that £3 you owe me" seven times!

OP posts:
sumum · 26/09/2010 21:15

NameHasChanged I am another one with a ds exactly like yours. My ds is very very trying at the moment due I think to going back to school (at least I hope its that otherwise I would have no hope)

My ds is on meds which do help with the adhd but not the other obsessive, ridgid thinking and anger stuff.

Just got him into bed and am shattered from the relentlesness of it.

I would second going to the GP and asking for some more help -there is support out there.
Good Luck.

dandydorset · 26/09/2010 21:21

no advice but just to say im sure you and most mums in the world have felt like you,you im sure are doing your very best in a very difficult situation and to feel like this is understandable,being a lone parent you have to fill so many roles at once and alone,theres no tougher job

there is and will be loads of great advice give to you im sure on here,keep posting and the very best of luck

maryz · 26/09/2010 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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