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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to find this actually deeply hurtful?

20 replies

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 26/09/2010 13:49

I'll keep it brief - DH is joining the RAF, just getting fit as can be ATM before he does. In all my research etc. for him I had my own little secret desires to maybe join. I let this slip the other night. DH first of all said he didn't want me in the forces (in a nice way, not a controlling way) which I ignored, then he started to make jokes about how I could change Colonels nappies (erm, yes, funny) then he asked what I was thinking of doing, I said guess (I for some reason was too embarrassed to say) and he said catering (?!) - to which I replied "so the two jobs you think I could do is changing colonels nappies and catering?" and then he couldn't think at all what else I could do (bearing in mind, and I reminded him the only trade closed to women is the regiment) then he randomly said helicopter pilot (I am 5'3" and scared of flying!) - when I questioned his suggestions he said he was just trying to think off things I was suited to! Nappy changing and cooking are apparently my only skills and strengths.

I just can't seem to shake this. I am just so hurt. He previously implied I had better not get left behind with the lifestyle change - arsehole has been obese his whole damn life, no real hobbies and now he thinks he is amazing. Before my ex screwed me over beyond recognition I was sharp, intelligent, I could turn my hand to pretty much anything and succeed and now I am a 24 yr old mum of 3 and that's all people, inc. my D H see. Some kind of buffoon.

OP posts:

onimolap · 26/09/2010 13:56

Not sure what to make of what he said, but I'm curious: which trade/s are you interested in?

atswimtwolengths · 26/09/2010 13:56

Well, you could look at it that way, or you could think of all the free time you will have when he's away, when you can fulfil your own desires.

Given you have three small children, do you think the forces are an ideal career choice? I know it's a sexist thing to say, because your partner obviously feels free to go away for long periods without his family, but would you be happy doing that?

How old are your children? Would you like to study for a degree? (I'm only assuming you haven't done that already because you're so young with children.) Would you like to write a book or get involved learning new skills?

It can be a heady experience, I think, for him to go from being overweight etc to being fit and about to enter a totally new job. Take no notice of his snide comments - when he's in there he will have female superiors and may change his tune.

Chil1234 · 26/09/2010 13:57

I think you may be being a little oversensitive. Your OH sounds like he was just trying to be funny... & clearly you don't see it like that. If you genuinely think that your personality and capablities have been subsumed by your role as 'wife and mother' then the only answer is to get out there, stop blaming the ex, stop making excuses for the DH and change everyone's perceptions. Put the kids in childcare, get a job, get some hobbies, make new friends, run for office, take a course ... whatever it takes to make you feel bigger & better than 'cook and bottle-washer'. Good luck

Goblinchild · 26/09/2010 14:04

What would you do if you got different postings?
Have the RAF actually accepted him yet? He could be heading for a fall if they tell him they don't need another blimp.
I didn't think colonel was an RAF rank either, so he's not really au fait with his particular branch of the services yet either.
f you stay with him, you need to change his opinion of you yourself, so decide what you want to do about his arrogant and dismissive attitude. Then act on it.

Original poster

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 26/09/2010 14:07

intelligence or flight operations.

I wasn't thinking of joining now, when the DSs are abit older. You know the saying "behind every great man" blah blah, that's what I feel. But DH gets to go out and do all these wonderful things while I play wifey. I do love being a wife and mother, but have been shaken up that now that's all people think I am capable of. It's all abit "oh yes, other women do this that and the other but not you dear". TO be frank, without me driving us forward lord knows where we would have ended up. I have given him his wings and he's just taking off and shitting all over me

OP posts:

PinkieMinx · 26/09/2010 14:08

I'd have been hurt if DH mocked my 'dreams' with 'jokes' of nappies & cooking - I prefer to think he sees me as some fully able, intelligent, goddess.

I once asked him what he loved about me (why did I do it to myself!?!) he said 'your cooking' as his top thing. My DH has a limited imagination and cannot think on the spot. I know this, but was still a bit hurt. Think your DH hit the same nerve mine did.

Goblinchild · 26/09/2010 14:10

Stop supporting him and concentrate on you and the children for a while. He should have done his own research.
What job is he doing now?

Original poster

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 26/09/2010 14:15

I mean me joining is just a (albeit kinda serious) thought, but why laugh in my face :( I have never questioned myself before, like I never questioned DHs goals - he said his ex laughed when he said he wanted to join the police as if it was some far fetched idea, wheras I believe within reason anyone can do anything. Tomorrow when I get tax credits I am getting a home study course.

OP posts:

Original poster

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 26/09/2010 14:17

he works in security

OP posts:

herbietea · 26/09/2010 14:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Goblinchild · 26/09/2010 14:22

Sounds like you both have exes who put you down and belittled you. So now he's trying to feel superior and you are his measuring stick. That needs working on.

fuschiagroan · 26/09/2010 14:22

This is the problem with being a SAHM - your work isn't really valued by society (well, it can be in a pat-on-the-head, know-your-place way) and this can rub off onto partners' attitudes. A swift (metaphorical) kick in the cock is required. Would you like to do a degree, maybe? Then if he ever pulls a comment like that you can say something like 'Yes, but I know all about Aristotelian metaphysics/the law of tort/Dostoevsky/the British Constitution and you, my love, do not'.

claig · 26/09/2010 14:23

I think he is a bit insecure about his own talents and that is why he is knocking you, to make himself look bigger. Also you said that he didn't want you to join. Sounds like he is worried that you might join, and is putting you off by choosing the naffest jobs he can think of.

Original poster

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 26/09/2010 14:29

I think the colonel thing was slip of the tongue, plucked a word of thin air quickly. I do think he abit scared of me .... not raining on his parade... I can't think of the saying... Like the RAF was his thing and he's probably abit scared that I'd do better at it than him, or be a higher rank or something. Treading on his toes? [baby brain]

OP posts:

Original poster

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 26/09/2010 14:32

I was always against doing a degree unless I needed one, but I can see how handy they are to waft about now!

OP posts:

MichaelaFinnigan · 26/09/2010 14:32

ASecretLemonadeDrinker - that's the spirit, go and start your own new career with a course in something. You are so young, you are in a great position, you will still be young when your children have grown. You have time to start on the path you really want to be on and by the time many of us are just settling down to have kids, yours will be away and you'll have the time to fulfil your dreams. You can do what you want and you sound like you have a bit of gumption so with small steps you will show your DP what you're made of and he'll respect you for it. If he doesn't it is his loss.

Original poster

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 26/09/2010 14:36

I love your name, do you have whiskers on your chinnigan?

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 26/09/2010 19:49

He sounds like an unappreciative prat. I would stop all the help you've been giving him - if he is so bloody marvellous and you are only good for cooking and changing nappies, then let him get on with it.

I would also remind him that it is because you are at home taking care of the family that he has been able to follow his dreams.

24 is still very young, so you will have ages to fulfill your ambitions as your children grow older. Please don't feel it is too late - it really isn't!

A serious conversation with him about his attitude wouldn't go amiss, but if he was mine,I would be looking forward to him going. Tbh, he sounds as if he is holding you back. Agree with the poster who suggests that he is probably worried deep down that you would outshine him if you both did the same thing. He really shouldn't be thinking that way and trying to undermine your confidence because of his own failings.
You are right to use your time now to improve your own future.

SwanseaSlapper · 26/09/2010 21:35

Your only 24. The world is your oyster. Join up. Do it. Fuck him

onimolap · 26/09/2010 21:52

Do a degree; learn a language (Arabic?Dari? good ol' Russian?); have a blast; use every opportunity that comes with patch life to try out new things (do you yet know where you'll be and when?)

Cutbacks are expected in the Forces after SDR, so it wouldn't be a great time for you to start an application; recruiting is already generally at a low level. And I think you're wise to wait until the children are bigger: having one partent on ops and another on exercise puts most other childcare conundrums into the shade.

But even if you held off for a while, there's still plenty of time to join up. Go for it!

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