to think DH should 'get me' more?

[ninaandbean]

I'm fecking exhausted. DS is 9 weeks old. DH has just started uni. I am a SAHM on mat leave.

Recently DH has been working really hard, doing shifts around enrolling on a new course at uni, and having early starts (up and out at 6 to work) so quite fairly, I think, I've done all the night stuff as well as everything else... but DH has only really seen DS for about an hour a day, which I feel sad about for both of them.

Then this week he stopped work and properly started uni, so had heaps more time. I got a stinking cold, and am struggling with postnatal SPD. It was severe enough during pregnancy to need a wheelchair on occasion and permanent crutches... I'm still on diclofenac, codeine etc. So when I asked DH for more help I thought he would get why I needed it.

But last night when I collapsed into bed at 9pm with DS awake in his cot, he went round to a friends to play computer games. DS cried, I was up til midnight again settling him. By which time the pain was so bad I couldn't sleep again. When DH came home i laid it out for him, explained the pain etc, in case he hadn't realised. Asked for more help again.

At 2am DS cries. DH gets out of bed and stands there dithering trying to poke a dummy in his mouth. AIBU to want to scream at him PICK HIM UP YOU IDIOT! TRY HARDER!

Do I have to just grit my teeth and do this on my own??

no. you don't. that is the worst thing you could do. Nobody is born knowing how to care for a baby. You learn, your husband learns. IF you take over and do everything, how is he going to learn? And you would have no right to complain because it would be as much your fault for pushing him out of the way and yelling offs, I'll do it myself (not literally, ykwim )

So what you do is pass the baby to your husband, tell him to stop being a prat and get on with caring for his son!

My husband is just as good as me, if not better, at baby stuff. Because we learned together! That is what you need to do.

Your husband needs to be changing nappies, feeding him (if you are bf, can you express?), picking him up. The longer he goes without being fully involved in the basics of baby care, the more he will back off and start to think that he can't do it.

Oh I don't know hoooooow. ooohh, a tiny baby, i can' help, I can't learn. I have a penis and it stops me from being able to hold a baby. the one with the vagina was born with a manual imprinted into her brain that activates once she's given birth and floods her brain with knowledge and experience.

It's pathetic. Learn, man.

Jesus Hecate the bloke has been told and from the post is trying.

What he needs is the support of his wife/partner, its the only way he will learn.

The next thing that will happen if nina doesn't support him through this is that she will TAKE all the responsibilty back and will resent him, (hell nina is starting to resent him now).

Nina help him learn and support him, he is probably worried about hurting the baby, spend time advising (not nagging) him how to do it, you may be surprised at the results.

He needs t know how much it hurts and tell him like he will understand. Like the time he broke his whatever and then say it is much much worse.

Tell him that most of the time when a newborn is crying he needs a cuddle.

How old is he? How old are you?

You need his support desperately and he is going to have to learn to step up to the plate.

we're both 28. Not exactly kids!! I know I need to help him learn...I prob am BU. I will try and be more supportive and show him what I know. I'm hardly an expert myself! We're both practicing and it's not fair to be mad at him for not knowing... but re the pain, I think that is a big part of me losing patience and getting resentful so I will try and explain it better. Its obv not got through to him yet cos he still thinks its ok for me to lift the car seat/push the buggy/stand or walk for hours. And I am stupid for doing that, then getting resentful. I need to put my foot down and refuse to do the things that hurt so he can see how much it affects me. I developed a bit of a grin and bear it attitude in pregnancy so I can't really blame him entirely for not understanding how bad it gets. Hard to be that reasonable when I'm exhausted and holding the crying wee one again tho!! *sigh

Things do look better in the light of day. He's not a bad daddy, just a very tired/unsure one. Will try and be more reasonable. Thanks for the advice!