to go out tonight and leave my MIL to deal with it?

[rpickett]

I have my MIL staying this weekend and although we get along ok she does wind me up by constandly undermining me with my 2 DC's, however I let so much go as she only sees them 4 times a year due to distance.

Today I asked if she would be ok watching DC's while I popped to the shops to get bits for dinner and other necessaties, which was fine with her as she likes to spend time with them, I explained that my youngest may fall asleep and thats fine but my eldest (2yrs) doesn't nap otherwise he will be up half the night wide awake (tried and tested).

Well I got back after being out only an hour to find BOTH DC's asleep, I asked how long they have been asleep for and got told about 30mins, so I have woken my eldest up and cue a miserable, sleepy child who WILL be like this now all day until he gets a second wind before bedtime.
I did say to MIL "thanks alot now he will be up all night" which she is convinced I am wrong.

My husband is working up the pub tonight on the door and I am very tempted to leave MIL with DC's when DC1 will be wide awake and stroppy because she broke his routine and I am thinking maybe it will teach her to actually listen to what I ask in future AIBU?

On the one hand, YANBU at all. I used to hate the unexpected-nap-which-destroys-the-day-routine, beyond all measure. You could go out tonight, though brace yourself, if you do go, incase she manages to do bath/bed routine and get him down at the right time. You would never have a leg to stand on.

OTOH, it's only 4 times a year, so plan ahead. Fit in a long walk outside, however wet it is, as fresh air sometimes overrides the unexpected nap syndrome, and have a large bottle of wine ready for this evening, just in case. You can always sit on the settee and drink it whilst MIL puts dc1 to bed.

Argh. My MIL does things like this too when she visits. Hate it. Have no advice really (I always bite my tongue) but lots of sympathy because it is f**king irritating and all about power and not the dcs.

Ooo would second Notquitegrownup as to if she manages to do it (and even if she doesn't she might say she did) then you lose a lot of standing. Devout athesit hear and am often heard praying to anyone in the sky that might listen that dd will not do the opposite of what I have said she will do when MIL about.

Unless your MIL did it deliberately, then I think YABU.

Perhaps you should have taken the 2yr old with you to stop them falling asleep.

And what´s all this "teach her to listen"-maybe she did & just couldn´t keep him awake.

What about if you split the bedtimes with MIL? You put the younger child to bed, and the older child gets a "special bedtime with granny". MIL and DC1 can enjoy stories and cuddles, and then MIL will learn her lesson. Pill sugared, job done?

In any case, there's no reason you should put both DCs to bed while she is there alone with you that evening, anyway!

It's not always a power thing. It's hard looking after someone else's child, especially when you don't see them that often. And if he was tired and grumpy I can see why she'd let him sleep rather than have him upset, which isn't very nice for her, or him. You can put up with him being a bit whingy because you know his limits. She doesn't, so she's done what she thinks is best for him.

And 'teaching her to listen' is a bit disrespectful, tbh, perhaps you should think about your attitude to her rather than hers to you!

Agree with diddl, I think YABU.

I leave my DD with MIL once a week and I leave them to do what they want, she was a Mum too once, loves my DD and knows what she is doing and is doing a favour so getting overly strict with her is unreasonable.

If she did it deliberately this is bad, but if your DS got tired and fell asleep then I'm not sure what she was supposed to do.

i think you're being unfair

i think a 2 year old will sleep if tired. trying to keep a tired toddler awake is virtually impossible imo.

don't punish her, she's helping you by watching the DCs, i don't think any grandma would want to be mean and be the one keeping a tired toddler from sleeping

YANBU. I tell my nan things about DS etc and she always seems to think I am talking crap. I do know my son a damn sight better than she does believe it or not, as do you OP.

DS stayed at my nans last week. We unexpectedly had a nightmare trip back and wouldn't get back until way past DS's bedtime. My nan said he could stay another night, I spoke to DS on the phone and he was fine with it.

We got a phonecall when we were still over an hour away saying he was inconsolable and we had to go and get him.

He had gone to bed lovely, went to sleep and woken up crying. He does this occasionally. I have told my nan there is nothing we can do, he doesn't want us, he doesn't want anyone, he just is awake and he doesn't want to be and you have to leave him to it really and he will settle himself. She stayed with him for ages, he wouldn't calm down so they got him up to wait for us (I have told her that if he won't settle with you in the room, you need to leave him for a bit and he will calm down by himself, she will not listen to me on that one). We got there and he was happy as anything, running around. My nan said it was because he woke up and didn't know where he was, I said he knows where he is, he just woke up like he does sometimes. She won't have it though. She always seems to know best. Drives me mad!!

Detective-I don´t think that that´s necessarily about not listening-she was the one trying to deal with a crying child.

Maybe she did leave him & he still wouldn´t settle.

Maybe she couldn´t bear to leave her great(?) grandchild alone whilst he was crying.

I know it doesn't sound like it but she really doesn't listen sometimes. I have told her and told her and she gets 'the look' as if to say 'yes this is what you are saying, I am saying hmmmm but I totally think you are wrong.'

She does it with a lot of parenting stuff as she had 5 children so she does tend to think she knows it all sometimes. What I find really frustrating is when we talk about something and I get the "well I've never heard of that" which means to her that it is rubbush if she hasn't heard of it. Eg, weaning at 6 months, not potty training until the child is ready stuff like that.

Can I just say my 2year old doesn't nap during the day and hasn't for about 4 months after he would nap in the day and be awake all night, I did explain to her that if he starts looking tired (not that he would as I was only gone an hour) then to please give him a drink and distract him, he only starts to get tired if he is sat infront of the tv and left to get on with it (bit like me if Im kept busy I'm fine but if I sit down to watch something I want to fall asleep).

As for taking him with me, she hasn't seen him since June and I thought she would appreciate some time with her GC's as she is here to see them.

Well, having been the person trying to keep a child awake, & the person dealing with the crying child while mum says down the phone "oh just leave them"-I can see it from the other side & it´s hard!

it´s not always done down to spite or not listening!

In that case diddl I think explaining why wishes couldn't be stuck to would be easier all round.

Why should you have to explain yourself when you are doing someone a favour by looking after their children?

As long as you try to do what they want & don´t completely disregard, isn´t that enough?

Find something nice to wear.

Call some friends.

Run a bath.

Put on your glad rags.

And bloody well leave MIL to it!

Often in the case of MILs it's doing them a favour by letting them have the babies for a while though diddl.
If I were asked deliberately not to do something and that something happened I probably would try and explain how/why it happened to the person that had asked.

Oh yes, I know it´s a 2 way thing.

But sometimes I just get fed up of the I told MIL to do this & she didn´t.

I would probably just say "I tried my best & couldn´t keep them awake"

But I would also hope that my DIL would think that iyswim & that I wouldn´t be interrogated/shouted at or that it would be thought I had done it deliberately.

I think some on here would agree that it´s difficult to keep someone elses 2yr old who you don´t see that often awake.

I can see why it's annoying that the routine is out for today, but will your toddler really just keel over and drop off? If they will then they are tired enough that they need a sleep and if that results in a later bedtime so be it.

My 2 year old still has a nap every afternoon and is a nightmare without it, but he wouldn't just drop off on the sofa. He has to be in his bed, quiet and settled before he will go to sleep.

Unless your MIL purposely took steps to get him to fall asleep then I think YABU.

YABVU, anti stereotypically anti-MIL. Give the auld dear a break, and try to make your children a bit more flexible.

2 is very young to have dropped the day time nap, it's well known that the two hour sleep between 12-2 can actually improve the night time sleep.
DS will be having a 2 hour nap until he starts school, for my sake if not his.

Bonnie trying to make a two yr old felxible isn't possible really is it?
I'm still waiting to get him into bed as I guessed I would but I'm not as wound up now being pregnant and hormonal isn't a great mix with my MIL, like I say we get on ok except the purposly done undermining (she has told DH that she will do what she likes and tough).
I can see I'm being a little unreasonable.
I just wish people would listen when I say something instead of dismissing it, turns out she did leave him in front of the tv to fall asleep as he looked comfy but didn't think it would affect him like I told her it would.
Decided that I wouldn't leave MIL to it in the end as it isn't entirely her fault but have negiotiated a lie-in instead so good all round really.

Good luck with that mamtomany. :)

My dd2 since age 2.5 has not needed a daytime nap. I hate it that she doesn't as I have lost my little break on the days I am home.

However dh and I both find that any nap longer than 15 minutes for her = "playing up" until 9-10pm or later.

They are all different, and if op has a child that doesn't need a day time nap then fair enough. However to give a balanced opinion I would say that sometimes you have to let other people get on with it (within reason) if they are helping out with childcare.

Clearly I think it possible or I wouldn't have said it, would I?