To not be willing to discuss certain things with PIL

[Mahraih]

I'm having dinner with DP's parents, seeing them for the first time in quite a while.

We haven't spoken since I was approx 7 weeks - I'm now 21. They were against me having the baby and his mother was really very rude and encouraged him to break up with me. They also said a lot of things about me that weren't true i.e. that I'm manipulative, doing things to make DP feel guilty etc. In the end it almost DID break us up (but not quite, we're still together and very much in love) and made me feel very depressed, to the point of hurting myself.

Now, they have suggested we have dinner to 'mend bridges', and my mum is coming (thank god).

I have repeated to DP that I am utterly unwilling to discuss the past. I don't want apologies, and I don't want to apologise (not that I think I have to, TBH). I just want to be positive because this pregnancy has already had enough stress.

I've said that if we do revisit all that awfulness, I'll walk out. I just can't revisit feeling that crap about myself, and feeling ganged up on. I will simply get up and walk out, and I mean it.

I have bought some lovely Godiva chocolates for them, however, and will take the latest scan photos. I feel very controlling and don't want DP or PIL to feel the same - I just don't see why we have to discuss issues that we will NEVER agree on.

AIBU?

Could you say that when you arrive? As in say to them "I don't want apologies, and I don't want to apologise. I just want to be positive because this pregnancy has already had enough stress."

I think your DP should talk to them before you go.

Mahraih - as I recall, it's you whose PILs offered to pay towards a house if you and DP lived separately for 6 months?

YANBU at all. But I agree with nocake that it might be an idea if DP said to them - in a non-combative way - that you don't want to discuss the past when you go round as you see it as a new page, fresh start etc.

You sound very responsible.
Apart from the hurting yourself part, which is concerning. Are you ok? Perhaps you need help for that?

I was in your shoes - fell pregnant and my inlaws hated me.
I buried the hatchet for the sake of my children - which it sounds like you are doing too?

The chocolates are a nice touch.
I think the best advice I can give you is to aim for peace, but don't expect too much from them.
I am glad your mum is going.

Oh and YANBU. Hope it goes well!

My jaw dropped at your previous thread (although I didn't see how it panned out, I gather you got your DH on side so well done for that) but I am glad to see you are controlling this situation.

YANBU, get your DP to clarify the situation beforehand.

sorry that sounded awfully bossy, I meant to say well done for keeping the buggers down!

I wouldn;t be at all suprised if they too would be happier with looking forward only. I agree with others that a quick word from dp would be wise - and I expect they will be relieved. you've all got so much to look forward to.

Minipie: yes, that's me. And HumphreyCobbler, we said no to the money, you'll be pleased to hear, and are seeing estate agents for rentals on Saturday. :)

DP says he has spoken to them, but last time I spoke to his MIL (at 7 weeks) he said the same thing and she still went off on one. It's not his method of explanation, it's her being unable to control her temper.

I hope they'll be ok - they have said that they want to 'mend bridges' but I don't know if they're expecting me to grovel, or what. I have asked DP and he's said that they just want to be friends ... but he's optomistic and a bit naive sometimes, so...

I think I'll just give them the chocolates (DP has promised he'll let them know these aren't an apology, just a gesture of goodwill, should they misinterpret) and if they start to kick off, tell them I want to 'keep things positive' and if they continue, leave.

That doesn't sound too controlling ...

sounds like an excellent plan

they sound unbelievably controlling but you have sent them such a clear message by refusing the money that perhaps they have come to realise that a good relationship with you is a necessity. Best of luck with the meeting, let us know how it goes.

Condensedmilkaddict:

I didn't see your post previously, please don't worry, I'm absolutely fine. I had an assessment and the psychiatrists basically said that I was under an unbelievable amount of stress but essentially fine (i.e. sane!)

They said I needed to learn to distance myself from PIL's family (in an emotional sense) and to be willing to do this without them.

I've really managed to do that, and have become a lot stronger. Just used to being the kind of person that goes with the flow and lets other people have their way - can't do that when you're starting a family!

I DO want to bury the hatchet. But not to the extent that I let them walk all over me. I just want to create a method of communication that we can all live with.

They sounded pretty awful last time - glad you didn''t take the money.

Wonder if they have baby names in mind and a school they want to put junior down for...am being slightly tongue in cheek but forearmed is forewarned!

PILs offered to pay towards a house if you and DP lived separately for 6 months? UNREAL!

Good luck and I hope they do not cause too much stress. I hope you can set clear boundaries.

To give MIL her dues, she has suggested they buy DC's buggy, which is nice, and appropriate too.

I think they are now excited about DC coming along, just resentful that he (as we now know!) is attached to me.

I'll keep you informed of the outcome. Fingers crossed.

Dinner is NOT the time for any stressful conversations. Mealtimes should be light hearted and stress free. If anyone wanted serious stressful chats with me and expected me to eat at the same time I'd refuse to go.
A dinner to chat and try and make friends again is fine, a dinner to rake over the past and whose fault it was that it all went pear shaped last time isn't.
Agree get your husband to TELL his parents the ground rules.

Are you going to their home or yours, or will you be in a restaurant?

I recommend the latter if possible. Neutral ground as it were and the potential public embarassment might keep things cool.

Definitely a restaurant pippop1! Last time was at their home, and never again. I'm hoping the public setting will keep them quiet. Let them choose the restaurant though.

DP has told them the ground rules, so hopefully it'll be ok :)

I remember your previous thread Mahraih and I think you have behaved with far more grace than either of your ILs. You would have nothing to apologise for. If they were inclined to make an unreserved apology, I would let them. You certainly deserve to hear it.

Just remember that they have so much more to lose than you. If that doesn't motivate them to respect your wishes and behave, then you will know that you have tried and will be able to leave (the restaurant and attempts to build bridges) without any guilt.

Talk to your DP again before you go and remind him that you will need his support, as they are the sort of people who will exploit any sign of disunity between the two of you. I hope it all goes well,but be a little guarded, just in case they are merely changing tack.

I sound such a cynic. I really do hope they are genuinely trying to put things right. Am very glad to hear that you and DP are looking at renting a place.

In a restaurant you are safer. Drink lots of water so that you can legitamately go to the loo if things get too difficult.

Just an update: it went ok!

Nobody said anything rude, it was polite if highly strained, and they then invited me to Sunday lunch the next day which was a little less strained. DP said MIL was very happy with how the evening had gone.

My mother is not convinced, she thinks its all an act and that MIL is waiting to strike. But I think she is keen not to lose out on a relationship with her son/grandson and is willing to tolerate me to do that.

Which is fine by me!