to be worried about having my mum around after the birth of our first?

[gingercoconut]

As with everyone, there's a long history, which it would take 5-6 forums to detail between mother and I...

In short we can say that she's incredibly reliant on me in every way and has been since I was fairly young - moved into my bedroom when I was 9 in order to cry on my shoulder each night despite dad being in the next door room e.t.c. I no longer expect anything of her but am in close enough contact to be of help (emotional, financial) to her and try my best to keep my sibling in close contact with her too.

However... she has let herself get to a state - financially, health-wise and emotionally where she is really pathetic and now, with news of 1st grandchildren in the family - both sibling and I have conceived this year. She wants to come over and have something to do. However, my experience of her visits are very negative - a ton of work for me emotionally, physically, financially.

We chatted about my feelings. she understands but claims she will 'change' between the now and the time I am due - late March. She's made this 'promise' maybe... 1000 times before and has never kept it.

AIBU to not want her anywhere near me when I am going through this stressful time - husband has very involved job, lots of travelling, we have just moved to new area don't know anyone, I will be fairly alone and need to feel like I am just looking after my child not my mother too.

I know things 'change' with parents when you have children but I am going on her 100% failure record and a fear of making life more stressful than it needs to be.

Do not do it. Lock all doors. Put barbed wire on fences. Whatever it takes.
You will not need this I promise you from someone with a dh with a huge and busy job with travelling. If they're not of any help and stress you in any way possible then they should not be welcome.

Thanks pommedeterre, somewhat reassuring but I still feel guilty about this. I suppose, essentially that's why I posted on this though...argh

Oh blimey, birth of your is hard enough, you don't need another "child" to look after. Be strong, put you and your baby first!

I would definitely let her know that you need to put yourself and your baby first and so don't need the stress of having to worry about her as well. Maybe have limited visits of a short length once baby is here, if you want to and can bear it - if you don't have much support you can give her stuff to do to keep her busy and let her know that if she wants to be a part of your life at this time, she needs to make herself useful.

agree totally with serafinacat

YANBU. Do what your mother hasn't done for in the past- put your child's needs first.

This is such a precious important time for you when baby is first born.

Don't feel guilty for not putting your adult mother's needs above your own and DC!

~Yanbu. Tell her that no, she will not be coming and then REFUSE TO DISCUSS IT AGAIN!

'She wants to come over and have something to do'

So she says she'll change? Call her bluff. Tell her that she can come for short visits of no longer than an hour a couple of times a week (or whatever feels doable to you). That this is totally dependant on the fact that when she comes she makes her own tea, and helps with jobs about the house as well as bonds with your son. That the minute the emotional / financial etc blackmail comes out you will ask her to leave and she will then not be welcome back until you contact her.

If you have had a frank discussion where she says she will change could this approach work?

Agree with other posters, sometimes it is hard to put ourselves first but you can put your baby before your mother with out guilt.

In fact call her bluff NOW - don't wait until the baby is born and you're tired and hormonal. Get her to put her money where her mouth is and not just talk the talk but actually demonstrate to you that she can change. That if she can't then you cannot put up with her neediness at a time when you need to put yourself and your new son first

Babies are very motivating to stop putting up with parental crap I found.

Say no, but that you'll visit. If you want to. If you are going to visit maybe make a regular date of it ( first monday of the month say) and that might be easier for her to cope with if she is being anxious about being cut out.

Don't do it. Adjusting to having a baby around, recovering from birth, maybe establishing breastfeeding, trying to grab some sleep... The first few weeks are hell anyway, do not add any extra stress to yourself.

Be firm, don't let her guilt you into it, and just say you want to spend some time as a family for a while.

NO. Tell her that you will contact her and arrange a visit when you are ready and not a moment before. She clearly realises what she is like deep down, so she will just have to suck it up. Do not fall prey to any emotional blackmail.

Congratulations in advance on your DC, this is time for you to bond as a family, not to have to deal with other people.

YANBU, if it helps at all I have a slightly similar mother, very needy and suffers from depresion. She wanted to be around when DD was born 12 weeks ago. It was very stressful and has made things very difficult between us. I would totally agree with you going to her when you are ready and when it is on your terms, especially since if you go to her you can get away when you need or are ready. I totally sympathise though, it is really hard, but you are entirely right that all you need to focus on is your baby and looking after yourself, that has to be your priority! Good luck! : )

Dont do it.been there done it, hated it.not my mum though.my dad and bully wife.i wish id of said no

YANBU. The other posters are right!

Try reading 'When you and your mother can't be friends' by Victoria Secunda. I am reading it now and it is so helpful. Your mum sounds quite familiar, having read through the behaviours she describes.

Put yourself and your precious baby first.
Congrats on your pregnancy by the way.

Same as everyone else, don't do it. Push back hard and make your position clear now - don't hedge til the birth - it's such an intense time you really don't need the additional strain. I had my mother over after the birth of DS - we have a very good relationship and even then it did change the dynamics, I shudder to think what it would be like in your case.

Congrats on the pregnancy - and do try to link up with your expectant sibling so your mother doesn't play off one against the other.

It's not being selfish, it's being protective of your little one and you're in the mother role now.

Thanks everyone for the advice. It's nice to know that there are others that have been in the same situation and that I'm not the worst person in the world for denying her immediate contact.

Lots of the suggestions seem useful and helpful - arranging scheduled visits, being strict about what I need her to do when visiting and what I'm going to and not going to accept emotionally if she's around plus the book suggestion too.

This is the first time I've written on an online forum about a challenege I've had and I'm thanking my lucky stars to live in the digital age!

When our DD was born I refusd to have anyone to stay in the house for the first month. I wanted us to learn to be a family without any interference from anyone else.
Anyone was welcome to call in for a cup of tea though - especially if they brought cake.

My parents were totally supportive of this When DD was 3 weeks they came for a week, stayed in a hotel about 10 miles away and arrived every morning at about 10 and left when DH got home from work at 4). It worked well. Although I think it was easier when they went home.

My MiL on the other hand felt excluded, was very unhappy, cried when we told her (we were in a restaurant in the village at the time - how embarrassing) and things are still a little frosty between us 13 months on. She does however have a fabulous relationship with her grand daughter.

I'd do the same again, too.

Don't do it, she will make it all about her!

Dont let her come
Short visits may be ok but you will have enough swirling emotions of yourown without having to deal with hers
If she needs "something to do" she could sart by preparing some meals for the freezer for you.

The other thing she could do is seek councelling to prove she is willing to change

Otherwise for you and your babies sake keep her distant

I'm with everyone else - put your baby first.

Whatever you decide, though, the one thing I can promise you is that your relationship with your mother will change. I was never able to stand up to mine . I was so used to her unpredictable temper and to tiptoeing around her as a teenager that I never adjusted to being an adult around her. Drove my DH mental!

Until I had my DD. It's a different story - I can't afford to be a doormat for her, for my DD's sake.

I thought - I'd thought for years - that if ever I pushed back, my mother would implode and I'd lose what little relationship I had with her. Surprisingly, the opposite is happening. And she's proving a good grandmother - certainly, a better grandmother than she ever was a parent.

Push back, make clear your priorities, and that changed focus. You may be (pleasently) surprised at the results.

she sounds like my mother! i am pregnant with dd no. 2 and have had literally cut my toxic mother out of my life because of her suffocating ways and emotional blackmail.

yanbu tell her NO.

She might prove useful/helpful practically, but will she still be emotionally draining, & if so would it be worth it for a bit of vacuuming?

I doubt she will change any you will probably seen make friends at ante natal groups etc.

If you´re not working, you could also happen to be walking by when toddler groups are turfing out & meet people that way.

I think this is Lesson Number 1 in being a parent and putting your child's needs before anyone elses. When the baby is here I think it will seem one hell of a lot easier to you and not a dilemma at all; your child is completely vulnerable and dependant on you for the quality of their life and childhood and you would move mountains to make that childhood the absolute best, most magical it can be.
One thing I would say, is make sure that your husband is aware that as you won't have mum helping, you NEED him to be fully present and engaged - hope he has lots of paternity leave - put the responsibility on HIM, not on your mum or anyone else to be there for you in the early days.