Yes, IABU and I know I am but I am still upset and angry with dh

[Greensleeves]

ok I know I am in the wrong, partially, but I am still really riled and upset so please don't bee TOO violent with me

ds1 has Aspergers and has just gone into Y3

the first week, parents were encouraged to go into the classroom with them children and settle them - which is what they have been used to from being in KS1, parents in KS1 go in and supervise putting away lunch/fruit/bookbag etc and do 10 mins "early work" in the classroom with the child

after the first week, children in Y3 are meant to go round to their classrooms by themselves and put their own stuff away and then sit down in the classroom

dh has been doing the school run most days for the past couple of weeks because I have been struggling for various reasons (death in the family, insomnia/nighmares, I am depresed and I have just had a vomit bug as well) - no hardship for him because he has to go past the school to get to work anyway, but I like to do it and I have been feeling bad about not doing it, and grateful to him for doing it "for me" I suppose - although I still do packed lunches/party invitations/reading books/taking ds2 to Judo and all the other stuff, I am not completely obsolete

so this morning we both go to do it (if we are both free, we have always done one child each, having had both kids in KS1)

it turns out dh has been letting ds1 go in on his own as recommending, then taking ds2 in, then following ds1 round to his classroom and checking his bag on his peg to make sure he has done lunch/fruit/drink etc, then if he hasn't, doing it for him

I said that I really thought that three weeks into term ds1 should be doing it himself like all the other children

dh said "but ds1 is a bit different"

which he is, but ffs IMO he is MORE than capable of unpacking his school bag and hanging up his coat, he is 8 next week! I said "So what do you think happens to the other children in the class if they forget to take out their banana in the morning", dh said "well, then they don't get it at break", and I said I didn't think it was the end of the world, and the point of the system is to gradually build up independence, and I really thought ds1 should be doing it by himself and not getting special treatment in this way (he does need it in some respects, having AS

DH got really shitty with me, presumably because he has been doing the school run and he thinks I have no right to criticise or change what he is doing

I said "why can't we have a civil discussion about it without you getting shirty and being aggressive about it"

he stormed off on his bike leaving me to take the kids into school

so ds1 was upset asking "why has daddy gone off, why is he angry"

On the way in I tried to gently explain to ds1 (without mentioning dh or the fall-out!) that I thought he should be able to sort out his own stuff and go into class with all the other children without one of us following him in and checking up

he said "but isn't that what parents do, look after you"

so I feel like shit

and I know AIBU, and we have upset the kids falling out in front of them, and I am ungrateful because he has been doing the school run

but I am really pissed off with him all the same

we COULD have discussed it civilly, surely

WHOAH that is long

and it is also quite trivial

I'm so sorry, I understand you getting cross, but I don't think your dh has done anything wrong.

I mean, you're right in principle, but he'll get there. Your ds I mean. It's nice to have a smooth start and to feel things are going right and in the right routine is nice.

So sorry, don't mean to make you feel bad. Sometimes I think it's possible to be too hard on the eldest, expectations and so on. One is a lot softer with the others.

Its clearly not trivial if it bothers you. FWIW, I agree with you. Even though your DS has Aspergers, there is nothing wrong with teaching him some independance. Particularly in school like this. Presumably there is going to be a time when you won't be taking him into school like that and checking his bag so he does have to learn.

Explain to your DS that you are looking after him but part of your job is to teach him how to do these things for himself.

Your DH overreacted. Explain that if you treat him differently, your DS will learn that is what happens and may expect 'special' treatment from everyone as he gets older.

Appletrees I did ask for opinions, so don't worry about saying IABU

I am not softer with the other one though, he has been putting his own fruit in the basket since he was 5

and the poor little bugger just got dumped in his classroom this morning because of the stupid farce

and he IS in KS1

I don't think DH did anything bad...he helped as he saw fit....and having Aspergers DOES entitle your son to a bit more help if it seems necassary...and your DH obviously felt it was.

YABU because you doubt DH's judgement.

Nothing's trivial if it upsets you.

Could you explain it to dh that there's bound to be some leeway from the school while the kids are settling in. So they'll probably allow them to get their banana from the cloakroom etc for the first few weeks, but after that it'll be tighter and ds needs to learn now.

I may have read this wrong Greeny but as far as I can tell, your DH DID let DS1 go in and do his own stuff. Then your DH just did a tiny bit of 'finishing off' for him, just so his day would go a bit more smoothly???

Year 3 is many many months long and over those months, they learn by practice and the odd mistake. I think your DH is just allowing DS1 time to get his head around it before letting him 'cock it up' and learning the hard way.

My DD has just started in Year 3 too and she doesn't have Aspergers. She'd forget to put her own arse away though, some mornings! If she gets 75% of the morning routine right at this stage, then that's OK. She'll get it 100% eventually.

I suspect your DH got shitty because he felt he was doing right by his lad. I bet he's working on the argument that if he HADN'T put the banana away/hung coat up/whatever.....that would have been wrong too!

Final pearl of wisdom - deep breath, make friends tonight and fresh start tomorrow.

You are, of course, right about your ds being able to go into school alone. I guess it depends how you said it to your DH though.

Just remember that quite often we are all very sensitive about what others say to us about our parenting. When my DH (not the dc's Dad) makes suggestions to me about the dc's I easily get much more defensive than I would abot any other subject. I try to be aware of that and remind him of that before I blow my top at him for just trying to be helpful! Your dh was just doing what he thought was best for his child, as you are too, but he shouldn't be critised for it. Just be glad that when you are feeling stronger you can go back to doing things your way!

I agree with you.

Think it's dad's a bit though. DH just does stuff for ds1 without thinking. Yes he is severely autistic/has severe learning disabilities but all the more reason for him to be given the opportunity to learn independence at every possible opportunity. It's why I like school - they make him do things by himself. A lot of the men I know are like this though - it's the protective dad side.

I do have to approach how I tell dh to leave ds1 alone a bit carefully though. In the heat of the moment usually doesn't go down well :o

oh ds2 in year 4 would forget his head if not screwed on, but I make him do the whole lot himself now or he will be a nightmare at secondary school. If he walks out the door leaving the PE kit behind I will cough and point, but I am trying to get him to put everything in his bag and think about what he needs. He has finally got into the habit of remembering to hand in notes to the teacher so that's a start.

I used to do this all the time. I've learnt it's about how you handle it. So now I:

-take note of the 'thing' not being done how I think it should be done.
-keep quiet
-find a way to bring a discussion about that topic up
-steer it round to the 'thing'
-praise the way it has been done to date
-ensure that we somehow end up agreeing jointly that it should change (to the way I thought it should be)

That sounds hugely patronising but, to be fair, I have found that in a large number of cases the discussion leads us to an even better solution OR I realise that DH was in fact right all along

I don't either of you are in the wrong - you just both have different opinions on what is best.

I imagine you have had a row about it because it has been a stressful few weeks, especially for you, and perhaps he has got that daft man thing of feeling all emasculated because he was criticised.

Thing is though greensleeves if you are feeling down, a mild row like this can make you feel like a bag of shit all day.

Is it worth leaving it for a few hours, then texting him something anodyne like 'hope your day is going well' or something.

And can it work that if you take DS to school you leave him to sort himself out, and if DH takes him in he hangs his bag up etc? Is it importnat that both parents do exactly the same thing? (I think not personally, however I know nowt about aspergers, do they need to have a fixed routine? Sorry for ignorance).

Anyway have tea and sit down and don't blame yourself for this. You sound like yiouh ave been through the mill recently, you don't need any more stress.

Another thing that parents do is to let their children grow up - otherwise they'd never leave home! I think what you are doing with your DS is totally correct, if he is capable of doing something, he should be encouraged to do so.

Both my DS (age 9 yesterday) AND I have Aspergers. I try to treat him as normally as possible, and having Asperger's myself, I can usually tell when he is playing up and when he needs a bit of leeway.

Its hard, this parenting lark, isn't it?

Do you think it might have been better to suggest to your dh that "maybe we could start giving ds1 a liitle more independance from next week" rather than critiscing his past efforts? Sometimes in the heat of the moment, this is hard to think about, just try to remember that you are equal parents and his opinion is just as right as yours and his mistakes are just as mistaken as yours! Good luck on resolving.

Gladys, you are so wise

You have clearly mastered a skill that I am desperately trying to perfect to ensure I always get my own way

I agree with GetOrfMoiLand, this feels bigger than it actually is, because you have been having a hard time lately. Personally, I wouldn't criticise something like that for the precise reason that it's not worth causing a row with my husband/rocking the boat for such a trivial issue. It's just not an issue worth making a point over (in my opinion). Plus, he may just disagree with you and do things differently. I wouldn't like someone telling me how to take my child into school, and I guess neither does your husband.

You'll probably find that your husband will stop hanging up the coat etc now you've mentioned it as he'll think it through on his own and see that what you said was right. If not, I don't think I'd stress about it, especially as there are lots of other opportunities for your son to become independent and having a supportive partner, who takes their turn on school runs without question is worth something in itself.

I don't think your DH did anything wrong. He did it differently to how you would have done it . Your son is his son as well. It's not necessarily the wrong way .. it is his way of caring for your son.

Wow my ds has just started reception and the only parents actually allowed past the gate are the reception parents. From year one you have to leave them at the gate to get on with everything themselves. Obviously this is not normal at every school (first child so completely clueless).

Agree that it's a mixture of both, my dp is a real softie and I'm sure he'd do something like that. Where as I'm a more cruel to be kind, so it yourself type.
The teache I'm assuming didn't say anything about it so can't think your dh was wrong.
I think you k
just need a deep breath, say sorry and have a brew and chat about it.

Greeny, I think your DH is upset because he's taken your criticism as "I can't do right for doing wrong". He probably thought he was doing a good thing looking out for your DS, and feels he's being unfairly called into question. Your tone also counts. Were you a bit shitty/naggy with him?

Would you have felt unfairly slighted if he'd said the same to you?

Happens a lot in our house - I feel sorry for my DP sometimes